The (Evil) Empire Strikes Back

As with all HDW posts concerning the New York Yankees, it is required that while reading it you have to be listening to the The Imperial March song from Star Wars.  You know, when Lord Steinbren… err, I mean Lord Vader approaches.  So, be sure to click on the video below before you begin reading.

That’s better.  So, the Yankees now say that if they find proof that Jason “HGH” Giambi took steroids they’ll void his $120 million dollar contract.  Here you go Evil Empire, I present to you Exhibit A…

Nope, No Steroids Here!

Exhibit A — Circa 2000

The photo of Jason above was taken around 2000, just before he signed with the Yankees.  It appears he’s signing baseballs for all the little children out there who look up to him and want to be just like him when they grow up. And by grow up, I mean grow to the normal size that God Almighty intended.  Maybe they’ll look like this guy?  Exhibit B…

Little Jason

Exhibit B — Circa 1993

That’s right, this is a photo of Jason about 15 years ago.  I too remember when I turned 23, had been done growing for about five years, and then gained that extra 75 lbs of pure muscle.  Then my head started growing in girth until it doubled in size, and then my balls receded into my body cavity.  I mean, who doesn’t do that at 23, right? 

WRONG!  Leave it to the Evil Empire to try and plead the 5th on this one.  Oh really Evil Empire?  Really?  You didn’t know Jason was taking steroids?  Really?  Reeeeally?  Was Stevie Wonder in charge of player personnel then?  Maybe George Costanza?  Did you think maybe Jason ate one of his Oakland A’s team mates or something?  Really?  Not on steroids?  No proof?  Do you really need tickets to the gun show on this one?  By the way, Elton John is gay.  Oh, and Rosie O’Donald is fat… and a lesbian.  Also, 1938 Nazi Germany just called, they want their propaganda machine back.

Did I mention that Jason had the balls (metaphorically speaking of course since the steroids have taken care of the physical) to say that steroids don’t help you hit home runs?  Yep, I guess it is true that steroids make you an idiot too.  You’re right in one way Jason, it takes mad skills to hit a baseball in the major leagues.  But do you really believe that taking steroids which not only increases your strength, but also increases your stamina, doesn’t help a ball player hit home runs?  Yes, you have the eye to hit the ball, but the difference in hitting it 200 feet and 500 feet does not come from said eye.  That’s right, it comes from strength, and that comes from those shots in your ass.  It doesn’t help average, but it does help you hit home runs.  Period.  Case closed.  And let’s not talk about the fact that the Yankees eliminated the Red Sox in the ALCS a few years ago with Jason hitting two home runs.  NO F**KING COMMENT!!!!      

Besides, I can’t think of anyone who’s this size naturally, besides maybe genetically altered super Russians; and they throw like a girl.  Nope, can’t think of another soul on Earth who went through more of a massive change in the middle of his career.  Now, where did I put my Blackberry?

Bonds*

Bonds*

          

Posted on May 21, 2007, in Baseball, Sports. Bookmark the permalink. 8 Comments.

  1. hate to be a downer on your before shot…but the shoes he’s wearing are the Nike Shox R4+. They weren not available until winter of 99 (at the ABSOLUTE earliest). While I dont disagree with you that he blew up, the second picture isnt the proof you should be using.

  2. It’s good to know shoes have a model year like a car. I did not know that.
    Not to be picky, but circa 1993 would cover 1999 too. At least in a court of law, right? And if he was that small in 1999 then Jesus himself must have been the one administering the juice. Jesus Juice that is!

  3. Actually, steroids do help your average. When flyouts or popouts become home runs or gap doubles, that helps your average. Steroids help the whole fucking package. If all it took was hand/eye coordination baseball practices would be mostly a series of flashcard drills followed by BP.

  4. Agreed Kenobi, steroids do help average as well, but not close to doubling them such is the case with home runs. Bonds* is the best case as far as the statistical anomalies that is modern baseball stats. His batting average has not even come close to what his HR average per year has done in the later years of his career. It’s sad to think that such a terrible cheater like Bonds* will eclipse the greatest record in all of sports. Never in my book, but sad nonetheless.

  5. Jason Giambi may or not have used steroids… but judging from giambi’s before pictures and seven years of hard training (like the one an athlete does, not a couch potatoe) that kind of body progress is normal…
    he could even get bigger w/o steroids… just a strict diet and weights…
    dont try to diss someone from using steroids just because you lack the will power to fo it…

  6. It’s not my lack of will power that prevents me from getting this big, it’s my lack of wanting to take steroids. Tell me, which machine at the gym do I use to increase the size of my head like Giambi?

    By the way, Giambi has admitted to using steroids, so it’s not me accusing anyone, it’s you not having your facts straight. My post is concerning how the Yankees made a statement about not tolerating players using them and needing evidence to punish said users, then turning a blind eye to what we all know is true (because Giambi admitted to it).

    Just because you either A.) Love the Yankees, or B.) Take steroids, doesn’t mean you have to disagree with an issue that is settled fact. Thank you and have a pleasant day sir.

  7. Baseball is the ultimate game in the world. I’m excited about the new season. Should be the best yet.

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