Category Archives: Humor

COQ Compiler

Well, well, well, the French have invented a little programming language and decided to name it COQ.  So, let’s put 20 seconds on the CLOQ and see how many IT jokes we can tell.
  • So, I see here on your résumé that you had extensive experience working with COQ in college.  Can you elaborate?  (HDW)
  • Staring at a monitor all day will make you go CoqIDE. (QOK)
  • Describe a time when you’ve handled COQ before.  (DF)
  • What is the name of that software language you used… it’s right on the tip of my tongue!  (HDW)
  • What shop are they over at Microsoft again?  Oh, that’s right… they’re a COQ Shop.  (HDW)
  • Is COQ blocking or is it ASSynchronous?  (QOK)
  • To install COQ, just unzip it.  (QOK)
  • COQ is bloatwear?  (QOK)
  • Free as in speech, or free as in COQ?  (QOK)
  • Just put the COQ disk in the hard drive.  (QOK)
  • When is the next rollout of COQ?  (QOK)
  • Terabytes COQ. Bitch.  (QOK)
  • COQ is a third-party tool.  (QOK)
  • Does COQ output Big O notation?  (QOK)

Well played QOK.  You win!  Your prize?  You guessed it; COQ!!!  Thanks for playing with my COQ.

Baby Food 101

image

Never name anything Meat Sticks. Ever!

New President’s (Insert Something Here)

Okay, I’ve received about 50 emails over the past couple weeks outlining the “New President’s <insert something here>” and just to let everyone know… I GET IT, HE’S BLACK!!!!  We know, our president is a black guy but we’re going to have to be a little more original than this.  Ha, ha, ha, Air Force One is now the plane from that movie Soul Plane.  He, he, he, the White House will no longer stock mayo in the fridge but will carry magnums in the medicine cabinets.  LOL, the presidential automobile is now a stretch limo with 22s and a bad ass stereo system.  LMAO, the Secret Service agents are now issued weapons that are fully automatic and… oh wait, that’s the same.

Point being, it wasn’t funny to me when a president from Texas was parodied none stop as a cowboy or one from Arkansas a hillbilly.  This kind of humor is not funny people!!!!  Learn to have a little sensitivity and above all else, a sense of humor.  With that being said, this photo of the President’s New Dog is totally spot on.


Cool Video… Or Coolest Video Ever?

And In The News

Race War!  Race War!
The former Soviet Union (I refuse to call them Russia, those commie pinko faggots) has announced that it is “indeed in the lead to put a human on the moon Mars”.  Really former Soviet Union?  You’re going to put a human on Mars before the United States?  You know what, you’re probably right, and I would put money on that actually happening.  But, I’ll also put money on the United States putting a man on Mars and him actually returning to Earth alive first.  I would venture to say that the former Soviet Union already has quite a few “humans” on their way to Mars right now, and has been for 40 years or so.  Only when they launched, they called them Moon-landing missions back then. 

Police: Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks
Yes, the headline says it all, but apparently this has nothing to do with the police in DC finding out the already well known and common fact that every man has an asshole.  The story is actually about a man being arrested for “supposedly” hiding twenty or so little baggies of crack in his butt-hole.  I really want to make a lot of jokes about this story right now, but the guy in the mugshot looks like he’d kill me, so I’m leaving it alone.  I will say this about that, it’s probably the last place they looked, so it wasn’t a horrible hiding place, unless of course you were the crackhead who bought it.  Actually, I think there should be a rule that if you can ram it up your ass before the cops can wrestle it away from you, then you should be free and clear.  Assault weapons ban, yeah right — for all AR-15 assault rifles not shoved up your booty hole.   

Child Abuse Case?
A St. Augustine woman was arrest for what obviously should qualify her as Parent of the Year.  Check out why kids…

Investigators say a woman accused of drunk driving had a case of beer buckled up safely, and a one year old girl sitting in the backseat without a seat-belt or car seat.

When asked why the girl wasn’t restrained, Williams reportedly told the officer, “I don’t know.”

Come on po po, technically a woman that drunk was probably going to flip the car anyway.  And if that happened it was probably better for the beer to be safely seat-belted securely in position instead of ten pounds of glass missiles in the cabin of the vehicle during the rollover.  Just imagine, broken beer bottles flying everywhere, possibly hurting the child.  I do love the “I don’t know” excuse.  Well played mommy.  I personally would have went with the “Did she unbuckle herself and seat-belt the case of beer in again?” excuse.  To each their own. 

Besides, we all know a case of beer won’t fit in a child seat anyway, only maybe a 12-pack tops.  So, just do what my dad did when I was little — seat-belt me into the backseat holding the case of beer.  The seat-belt will fit nicely over both a small child and the case of beer.  Innovation, meet dad.

The Downfall of HD-DVD

Ever wondered what it was like in the room when the HD-DVD crowd found out they’re losing to Blu-Ray?  Well, wait no more.  

The Alternative with Jay Mohr

Like sports?  Like to laugh?  Click here to view the many “webisodes” (that’s dumb ass Internet speak for web episodes) with Jay Mohr making fun of sports figures (my favorite subject) and talking sports in general.  Very funny well written stuff.  Be sure to search for and watch all the “webisodes” if you get bored.  Don’t watch at work though, ’cause that’s worky worky time. 

eRacism: Making Racism Extinct

This article I was reading was both interesting and educational as I learned there was a dinosaur that once roamed the Earth with a vacuum cleaner like ability to suck up food.  Seemed innocent enough, right?  Not so fast.

Discoverer Paul Sereno named the elephant-sized animal Nigersaurus taqueti, an acknowledgment of the African country Niger and a French paleontologist, Philippe Taquet.

Are you bullshitting me?  Really, that’s the name you came up with Mr. Scientist?  Let me guess, its diet was exclusively that of a small chicken like animal?  Thank God he didn’t discover a dinosaur’s skeletal remains in the Irish country-side that couldn’t stop drinking, even if it killed them.  “Ladies and gentleman, I discovered a new extinct species today.  I give you, the Micasaurus!”  Or maybe one discovered just outside of San Fransisco with strange mating habits that is believed to have contributed to its extinction… the Assasaurus (aka, Barney)!  Wait, how ’bout one discovered in Italy that had skin like a terrycloth jump suite.  Ladies and gentleman, I give you… the Wopasaurus!!!! 

Enough with the racism scientists.  Please, just leave me alone.  Can’t we all just get along?  Wait, I’ve got another one.  An elephant type dinosaur with ties to Israel and connections with big oil… the Neoconasaurus!  Talk about selling out your people.  A dinosaur with connections to big oil. 

Check please.

The All New 2008 Chevy MaliBOOM!

Are you kidding me?  This is just further proof that there is a God and he does love me (and HDW for that matter).  A major automobile manufacturer is actually producing a Muslim only car.  I shit you not, check out the amazing details.

Among the features on the proposed vehicle are compasses that point toward Mecca and compartments for the Koran and prayer scarves, CNSNEWS.com reported. Proton, a Malaysia-based car maker, may agree to develop the “Islamic Car.”

I know exactly what you insensitive bastards out there are thinking.  Yes, there are a few “features” the new car is diffidently lacking for today’s busy Muslim on the go.  Since all the writers for The Tonight Show and The Daily Show are on strike, and both those shows hosts couldn’t write a joke if their lives depended on it (god we miss you Johnny Carson) , I’ll see what I can do for you.   

First off, we need to come up with a good name for the car.  How about the 2008 Honda Peace Accord?  Nah, obviously no one in the middle-east will buy that!  How about the all new 2008 Chrysler 300 Sparta Edition?  Wait, that may bring up feelings of inadequacies, so let’s move on.  Chrysler Crossfire?  NO!  Aston Martin Vanquish?  HELL NO!  Mitsubishi Mirage?  Too easy.  Well, since there are no cars that rhyme with “Kill All the Jews” I guess I’ll let you guys comment and we’ll decide on a name later.               

In the mean time—and without further ado—I bring you the all new 2008 Chevy MaliBOOM!  Standard Features include:

  • Genuine Camel Hair Upholstery
  • 3.6 Liter Twin Turbine Engine
  • Powerful All Treble FM-Only Radio (designed for your middle-eastern music listening pleasure and absolutely no talk radio… those infidels!)
  • Passenger-side Airbag With Automatic Disable Feature for Transporting Infidels (i.e., Christians and Jews)
  • 17-inch Alloy Wheels
  • Electrical Hookups in the Trunk for Connecting Bombs (warranty voided where car bombing is prohibited)
  • MOSS – Male Only Starter System (disables starter when a woman attempts to drive)
  • ABS – Allah Bombing System (e.g., remote start)
  • Cruise Control (and by cruise, I mean early warning cruise missile detection)
  • Sunroof (perfect for all those happy moments when you just can’t wait to shoot your AK-47 into the air)
  • Horn with Special Allalalalalalala Sound (perfect compliment while shooting AK-47)
  • EPA Estimated Mileage: 4 MPG City, 6 MPG Highway

Remember, every MaliBOOM comes with the “MaliBOOM No Jew Guarantee”.  We promise that no Jew or pork product has ever touched any part of your car, or your money back.  If you’d like to test drive the all new 2008 MaliBOOM please visit your local neighborhood convenient store today.  Demand is expected to blow up fast, so hurry.  Trust us, every Muslim will be just dying to martyr themselves to get their hands on one of these beautiful automobiles.   

The Beatings Will Continue Until Morale Improves

You guys are not going to believe this.  Some Muslim cleric has proclaimed that beating your wife is not something you should do… without first admonishing them and refusing to share a bed with them.  So, correct them ten times, kick them out of bed, then and only then, is it okay to slap the shit out of them.  Sign me up!!!!  If only I could grow a decent beard.  So ladies, remember, a vote for Hillary is a vote for wife beating.  Here is some other marriage advice he gave.

“Beating in the face is forbidden, even when it comes to animals,” he explained. “Even if you want your camel or donkey to start walking, you are not allowed to beat it in the face. If this is true for animals, it is all the more true when it comes to humans. So beatings should be light and not in the face.”

Dude, any wife beater worth his salt already knows to beat their wives in a way that her co-workers, friends, and especially family can’t see the bruises.  What is this guy, a rookie?  I do love his rationale that you wouldn’t hit your camel or donkey in the face to get them to walk, so why would you do that to your wife.  That’s right, slap her on the ass instead!  Wait, it gets even better.

“Woman, it has gone too far. I can’t bear it anymore,” he tells the men to tell their wives. “If he beats her, the beatings must be light and must not make her face ugly.

I know what you’re thinking, and I would have asked the same question.  What if she’s already ugly?  Can I punch her in the throat then?  How about a good kick to the nose?  If only someone would hurry up and invent steal-toed sandals already.  Come on Mr. Religious and Spiritual leader, she’s already ugly.  I mean Jesus… err, I mean Allah, I’d already rather have sex with my camel or goat anyway.  Of course, I’ve saved the best for last.

“He should not beat her like he would beat an animal or a child — slapping them right and left.”

Really?  Dude, I was all about converting to Islam, but you lost me at not being able to beat my wife the same way I beat my child.  After a hard days work at the sand factory, I should be able to come home and take it out on the ones I love by doing the following (and in this order): 

  1. Kicking my dog in the stomach.
  2. Punching my child in the face.
  3. And finally, beating my wife just as hard as I beat my dog and child.

What kind of mickey mouse crazy ass religion are y’all running over there?  Did you really think all of this through when you made up this religion?  What if I’m married to my daughter?  You see there, now that’s thinking outside of the proverbial box, theologically speaking.  Here are some departing words from al Don Juan Abdul Obama: marriage counselor to the sheiks.

“Unfortunately, many husbands beat their wives only when they get mad, and when they start beating, it as if they are punching a wall – they beat with their hands, right and left, and sometimes use their feet. Brother, it is a human being you are beating. This is forbidden. He must not do this.”   

Yes, ye must always remember while beating a wife, she too is a human being.  Well, three fifths of a human being anyway, but close enough, right?  Am I right?  It’s not like she’s allowed to drive.  So Islam, until you get these wife beating rules a little more clearly defined, I’ll just stick with being good ole Irish Catholic, where both the husband and wife get to beat the shit out of the kids and each other, thank you very much!  

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