So, those pesky little Persians are at it again.  The great islamic paradise of Iran decided last week to take on 15 Briton sailors.  If there were just 285 more of western civilizations finest in that battle at sea then we probably could have crushed their entire country…. again (case in point, Fig. 1 below).

  300Fig. 1

I know most of us want Iran turned into the giant glass plate it so deserves to be, but we must be rational; at least for the first 444 days.  Then we’ll have to pull out the big guns -and by big guns I mean calling in Jimmy Carter to resolve this whole diplomatic kerfuffle.  The key is to first look at satellite photos and GPS readings to determine where these sailors were located before we jump to any conclusions.  I know what you’re thinking, the Iranians will think we’ve doctored the proof that the British seaman were in fact in Iraqi or international waters.  Well, that’s where we will allow the Iranians to provide satellite photos and GPS data of their own. 

What?  You mean the great islamic republic of Iran doesn’t have that technology just yet?  Still perfecting that whole electricity thing you say?  They can borrow my 5th grade science project if they need a leg up.  Nothing like inventing the concept of the number zero and then just resting on your laurels for say… 4,000 years.  Well, you still have my vote for invention of the millennium with that whole camel rider sandwich thing.  I eat like three of those suckers a week.  KUDOS Iran, KUDOS!!!!  

Actually, haven’t we been launching shit into space for like half a century now?  We were so advanced fifty years ago that we filmed it in black and white!  We’re on the moon but we don’t have color film to document the occasion?  Our government actually asked NASA to slow down and let Kodak catch up.  It’s a fact, look it up people.

You’d think Allah (babar akbar) would get these Iranians up to speed sometime soon.  My f*cking Cadillac has GPS and communicates with space the whole time I’m driving it, and these sandhillbillies are using an abacus and maybe some string to determine their position in the world???  I can tell you from my living room where your heads are positioned.  Actually, I’m assuming the Iranian sailors were relying on the much more accurate sun and moon dial technology as opposed to math and science and stuff.  I can tell you for sure that now that the Iranians have those UK blow-up rafts that their naval technologicial know-how just doubled overnight.  Welcome to the 18th century my friends.

Regardless, the peaceful people and leaders of Iran need to be given the benefit of the doubt.  All of the brits will be returned safe and sound… right after they convert to the peaceful religion of islam.  Just pray none of these sailors Iran kidnapped are Jewish, because then they’d have to kill them.  It’s not Iran’s fault… they’re Jewish, and that’s the law.  Hey, they didn’t write the koran, they just follow it.  Like my mom always said, don’t kill the messenger.  I think that had something to do with my dad working for the post office, but I could be wrong.        


Posted on March 25, 2007, in Punditry. Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. The Wearer of the Pants

    Honey I think your caps lock is acting quirky.

  2. Woohoo...Monday!!

    “The wearer of the pants” ….nice!!

  1. Pingback: The Straw That Should Break The Camel's Back « Holy Dog Water

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