This week appears to be just chock full of animal porn news. This Thai zoo is now trying to convince this male Panda to have sexual relations with this female panda by showing it panda porn (it’s funny ’cause it’s true).
The article states that the bear is unresponsive to the pornography. Come on zoo, think outside the panda box. Maybe he just doesn’t like fat chicks? Actually, I have three words for you zoo keepers…. gay. panda. porn. Maybe this panda dude is gay? Just buy a prosthetic panda penis on ebay and trick the panda into having sex with the female. You’re welcome. It would be on like donkey kong. Hell, it worked for Tom Cruise, right?
From the looks of the photo above, it appears the zoo didn’t spend much on the porn’s production quality either. It looks more like a University of Florida pool party, or maybe a middle eastern snuff film. Is this the Jenna Jameson and John Holmes of panda porn? Where’s the HD quality when you truly need it? Let me guess, it’s one of those porns with a plot. HolyDogWater Porn Rule Number 1: If they’re not bumping uglies by minute three of the “film” then it’s time to see what’s on the other seven cinemax channels. You’re allowed plot building when you get Anthony Hopkins to play the part of the Cuban pool boy; but not when he’s played by the dude from that local used car lot commercial.
Or maybe your lack of panda on panda action is the fact that you have the guy watching it through rusty bars in what amounts to a jail cell? I don’t know about you, but I’m never in the mood when in prison. Too much pressure to perform could also have a little to do with it. Do you have his cage next to the elephants? If he caught a glimpse of two elephants going at it he’s probably feeling a little inadequate. After all, he is Asian. I sure as hell don’t want to make sweet love next to the Miami Heat basketball team’s locker room for God’s sake.
So, let’s recap — gay panda porn, better production quality, put him next to small hung animals, and maybe some girl-panda on girl-panda action. Oh, and please, keep the chick he’s supposed to be throwing down on away from the chocolate covered bamboo! Also, the 70’s called, they want their girl panda back. So, maybe hire that girl a gardener, if you know what I mean (wink, wink). Just three more words…. Brazilian. bikini. wax. Enough said.
If this doesn’t get your pandas going at it like rabbits, then just let this worthless animal die off like it’s apparently supposed to. You’re going to look like a bunch of idiots when these fuzz balls spread this millenniums black plague. Hey scientist dip-shit, it’s sometimes a good thing when species die off – case in point, the viloceraptors. So, let sleeping dogs lie, or in this case, let sleeping pandas not screw.
Now that you have him hooked on porn he’s set for life. “I’ll come to bed in a few minutes honey…. love ya lots. Now, where’s that remote?”