I Like Eggs

So, not that most of you give a rat’s vagina, but it appears the NFL is finally going to tighten up it’s rules on some of the gang activity (players getting arrested) in their league.  Case in point — Pacman Jones was arrested last year after he incited a riot within a strip club.  How do you do such a thing you ask?  I’m glad you asked, because the only fight I’ve ever seen in a titty bar was when my friend (who shall remain anonymous) misunderstood the DJ and thought he said $2 lap dances.  Let’s just say, ten dances later the “lady” was surprised when she was handed a $20 bill.  Come on dude, $2 dances?  Were you in a Wal-Mart?  

Well, the way Pacman Jones incites a riot is a little more interesting.  He showers the hooke… err, I mean ladies on stage with $80,000 in cash.  WHAT!!!  I don’t even have that much cash in my life-savings.  And no, that’s not a typo; eighty thousand dollars…. in cash!!!!  How in the f*ck do you even carry 80K in cash?  A wheelbarrow?  Even if it was in $1,000 bills he’s got 80 of them.  The worst part was when Pacman’s ass realized he gave a bunch of coked up strippers all his money and decided to take the 80K back from the aspiring doctors and lawyers up on stage.  I still find it hard to believe Harvard passed up on this guy. 

So, after the titty bar riot, a bunch o’ people got shot and Pacman sent his body guards to kill some other people.  But that’s just hear-say.  Mr. Pacman was quoted as saying, “Yo, those motherf*ckin’ ghost monsters was hot on my ass.  Where’s that damn motherf*ckin’ cherry when you need it!  Shiiiiit!!!!!!”  Mr Jones, what does this have to do with your pending court date?  Which to that he replied, “I like eggs.”  Now that Pac is suspended for an entire year there’s a rumor NASA may try to steal him away from the NFL.  Good luck guys, and God’s speed.           

So, what took the NFL so long to clean up their act?  Hell, we cleaned up our Fantasy Football league years ago.  Not one arrest since 2005.  Take that NFL!  Would have been since 2002 if not for Derrick misplacing a decimal point on this program we wrote for Bank of America.  Well, the funniest thing about this whole kerfuffle is that ESPN had a poll about the NFL and how we the common folks feel about it.  Here’s one of the questions I loved….

How do you think the overall character of NFL players compares to your workplace or school?
70.7% Worse among NFL players 
22.8% About the same
6.5% Better among NFL players 

Let me see if I get this straight.  A total of 6.5% of the respondents said the NFL has better character than their own workplace.  Where in the hell are these people working, the NBA?  Another 22% said it’s about the same level.  Again, I had no idea that many people still worked at Merrill Lynch.  HAHAHA, I kid, I kid.  But really, it’s good to see the NFL cleaning up its act and beginning to really suspend players for misconduct.  The best part will be next season, about halfway through, when any of us slow, fat, nonathletic white boys with season tickets to the game will be able to play too…. as temporary replacements.  I’m ready for tryouts coach!  Put me in.  I too like eggs.  


Posted on April 10, 2007, in Football, Humor, Sports. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I Googled, “I Like Eggs” for some odd reason and found this:


  2. The “I Like Eggs” quote I sort of stole. It came from a really old Billy Crystal stand-up routine from the eighties about boxers. Funny stuff. I looked all over the Internet for it, but with no success.

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