Heinous Penis

Oh, by the way, the title of this post is actually quite witty in the UK.  But enough about the title and on with the main event.  This dude in London decided it was time for him and his unit to part ways.  And by unit, I mean his penis.  Hey, who hasn’t had a day when you just wanted to barge into a busy restaurant, run into the kitchen, grab a large sharp butcher knife, jump up on a table in the main dinning area, drop your pants, and finally slice off your penis.  Right?  Bad penis; no vajayjay! 

There are always those moments in your life that you wish you could take back or do over.  Things like not dropping out of grad school, never riding a roller coaster, never visiting your uncles in Boston, not killing that hooker behind the Lil’ Champ on McDuff Avenue, not having a picnic in Central Park, or maybe taking a hot air ballon ride.  But chopping off your penis in a crowded restaurant must rank right up there at the top of the ole “hind-sight is 20/20” cliche.  Right up there with getting your Jr High School girlfriend pregnant, or actually buying a ticket to see The Matrix sequel in the theater.  Hind-sights a bitch ain’t it.  Think this through you nut ball. 

Even if you’re stark raving mad, such as this guy, you would at least take inventory of all the things on your body that you could chop off in public to make a statement… and still have a back up.  You have two legs, two arms, two ears, ten fingers, ten toes, two eyes, etc, etc.  Hell, you even have two balls for God’s sake.  Any of these other fine selections would have been a little less life-style altering to lose, if you know what I mean.  I guess this was better than his first choice… his head.

The best part of this story has to be the fact that the doctors reattached it.  I’m almost positive this act of a madman was basically him trying to get a quick and easy sex change operation in a country with socialized medicine.  I chop it off, the docs clean me up, and then I can use a sharpie to draw me a vagina down there.  BRILLIANT! 

This f*ck-nut is going to wake up soon to find his penis reattached!  Hahahahahaha!!!!  Wait, let me catch my breath… hahahahaha!!!!!  I can see the doctors standing over him as he wakes up in his hospital room now.  “Sir, it took 35 hours of surgery, and it will probably never work for you sexually, and you now urinate out of your anus, but we finally reattached your penis.”  Noooooooooo!!!!!!  Well, I guess it’s back to standing naked in front of the full length mirror watching old episodes of nip/tuck, if you know what I mean there Buffalo Bill.                    

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Posted on April 24, 2007, in Humor. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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