Summer Torture, Happened So Fast

Well, I have officially converted to the dark side.  I had no idea the country I used to call home actually committed such atrocities against humanity.  The BBC has helped me on this matter, in which this scathing expose into just how badly we Americans torture terrorists has made me see the light.  Check out this excerpt from the article where a “terrorist” from Gitmo explains some of the horrors he was subjected to daily. 

Later, Mr Khan produced a list of further examples of psychological torture, which included the provision of “cheap, branded, unscented soap”, the prison newsletter, noisy fans and half-inflated balls in the recreation room that “hardly bounce”.

WHAT?!?!?!  The basketballs were half-inflated and hardly bounced?  George Bush, you my friend have gone too far!  When I read we were torturing prisoners I thought it had something to do with some bad ass Jack Bauer rip your head off and shit down your throat stuff.  Jesus, I had no idea my mom and dad were in charge of the torturing techniques down there.  Where’s Amnesty International when you need them?  

Well, George W Bush, in that case, here are some other torture techniques you can employee with the “terrorists” down there in Gitmo.  Trust me, if it was good enough for my parents to do this to me, then it’s good enough for enemy combatants.

Top Ten Techniques You Can Borrow From My Parents To Torture Terrorists With 

  • Number 10 – Take the terrorists to Kmart this summer (two months before school starts) and put a bunch of school clothes in layaway.

  • Number 9 – Buy a little plastic water fountain to connect to the backyard water-hose so the terrorists can drink delicious plastic tasting hot water straight from the tap… all summer long.

  • Number 8 – Plant gigantic cacti in the front yard so when they’re playing hide-and-seek their sisters can push them into it.

  • Number 7 – Buy moon pies and good luncheon meat and put them in the fridge, then for lunch make them peanut butter and jelly sandwichs with an occasional bologna sandwich.  When they complain tell the terrorists that the good meat and moon pies are for their father’s lunch.

  • Number 6 – Ask the terrorists how tall they are.  When they answer you reply, “I didn’t know they stacked shit that high.”  Repeat weekly or until they realize the trick.  Should be around age 15. 

  • Number 5 – Hide their really good Christmas gift in the garage and pretend all the gifts (mostly tube socks) are unwrapped that Christmas morning.  Once they start crying give them the Nintendo.

  • Number 4 – Don’t let them use the good sheets for their Halloween costume as a ghost.  Make them use the crappy sheet, which in the right amount of light was almost completely see through and contained a yellow floral print.  Boo!

  • Number 3 – If the terrorists ask for a bike for Christmas, make sure that when you put it together that you don’t forget to install the basket, all 16 reflectors, and the snazzy handle bar streamers.  First, make sure they pick out a BMX knock-off from the Western Auto three weeks earlier.  Don’t get that one.

  • Number 2 – Family photos.

  • And the Number 1 technique you can borrow from my parents to torture terrorists with is… Two months from now, cancel the Kmart layaway order and take them to Pic-N-Save! 


Posted on May 17, 2007, in Humor, Politics, Punditry. Bookmark the permalink. 4 Comments.

  1. Dave-FF Guru

    Dude, that list has me crying!! I think I actually am feeling sorry for you…damn it all.

  2. Don’t feel sorry for me. I wouldn’t exchange my childhood with one single person on this planet. Well, except maybe to be Scarlet Johanson’s little brother.

    “Scott Johanson, I told you you can’t take baths with Scarlet anymore, y’all are too old at 16!”

    “But, Mom!!!!”

  3. Q-the-impaler

    You sick fuck, Scott… can I watch?

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