Better Know A Candidate: John Edwards
Ladies and gentleman, this is the premiere of the first of several posts concerning the candidates of the forthcoming presidential election next year. As that fateful November day approaches, I’m sure most of you will be happy as a hog in horse manure at the 24 hours-a-day of constant news coverage. I can’t say the same for my employer and my woman, who will no doubt be effected greatly by this year long event. I want to apologize in advance to my yard, to Mindy, to Reagan (my dog), and lastly to Secretary of Defense Gates. I love thee all; only in much different ways.
So, on with the Better Know A Candidate segment of the show. If you watch Comedy Central’s Colbert Report then you know the origin or brain-child of this post – originally called Better Know A District. This is where Colbert interviews a congressman, I mean congressperson (sorry ladies), from one of the over 400 congressional districts around the country.
No doubt that even less of you have read the KSK sports blog (which is one of my favorites, thanks to Dave), which lifted this concept from Colbert and applied it to evaluating NFL draft picks. Pure brilliance I tell you, and funny as hell. Well, now that I’ve given “my” idea its proper credit and due I would like to introduce, with great pomp and circumstance, HDW’s maiden voyage of Better Know A Candidate: John Edwards. Enjoy.
SECTION 1 – The Bio
Name: John “Pretty Girl” Edwards
Weight: 168lbs (pre-hairspray), 186lbs (post-hairspray and carrying his wife’s purse).
Height: 5′ 10″ (Harry exclaims, “I didn’t know they stacked shit that high?”).
Marital Status: Married to Elizabeth Edwards. No seriously, he’s married… to a woman… I swear.
Home Town: Elizabethtown, N.C. (no, really).
Political Party: Democrat. Slightly to the left of liberal, a bit to the right of Hillary.
Stool Sample: Solid, meaty, with a bluish tint, small traces of furniture polish discovered.
Life’s Ambition: To be president of the United State of America, for the expressed intent of helping those who need it the most; including the poor, minorities, and the generally oppressed. (*COUGH*bullshit*COUGH*)
Favorite Baseball Team: New York Giants (go Bonds*).
Favorite Football Team: Florida Gators (when in Northern Florida).
Favorite Movie: To Kill A Mockingbird (Gregory Peck is just dreamy) and 8MM.
Favorite Musicians: Elvis (meaning Elton John), The Beatles (meaning Duran Duran), The Rolling Stones (meaning Boy George and the Culture Club), Barbara Streisand (meaning Barbara Streisand).
Favorite Meal: Hot dogs, calzones, hot pockets, corn dogs, corn on the cob, Popsicles, cheese sticks. Basically, anything that can double as a d|ld0 if frozen hard enough.
Favorite Website: Interactive Male
Fondest Childhood Memory: That time he went to the homecoming dance, was elected homecoming king, and that night was not raped by an art teacher behind the gym.
40 Yard Dash Time: 4.67 seconds.
Section II – The Interview
HDW: Thank you so very much Mr. Edwards for taking time out of your busy schedule and coming here today for our very first Better Know A Candidate segment. How does it feel to be the first?
Edwards: Feels great. They say you never forget your first time, right? Ha, ha, ha… just kidding Elizabeth. I just want to thank you and your hard staff, err… I mean hard working staff for having me today, I mean having me on today.
HDW: [uncomfortably shifts in seat] So, what’s been happening in the lives of Messieurs Kerry and Edwards since their defeat in the last presidential election?
Edwards: Well, we’ve been keeping busy helping the poor and stopping war around the world.
HDW: Helping the poor? I was under the impression you have been working for a hedge fund over the past few years. Is this not the case?
Edwards: Well, when you consider this is one of the poorest of all the hedge funds out there when compared to total net worth, you have to understand how important my work is. There are many billionaires out there losing millions every day. I’m very rich and pay almost half my earnings in taxes, which amounts to millions of dollars a year. What do you give to the poor?
HDW: Well, I don’t have hundreds of millions of dollars, so not quite that much. Are you saying you’re for cutting taxes on the rich?
Edwards: [pointing his bony little finger at HDW] Is your daughter a lesbian?
HDW: Let’s move on. I love big women. God bless this country and all of its well rounded women. Are you into fat bottom girls too or was that just an accident?
Edwards: I love women. All kinds of women. Small, big, white, black, short, tall, with or without legs, male or female… If you had a women right here I’d probably have sexual intercourse with her a lot right now. Bill Clinton and I are the same as far as being heterosexual men who love sex with women. I’d try to control myself, but would want to have sexual intercourse with her the whole time during this interview. I really like women. Except Anne Coulter of course… yuck!
HDW: Speaking of Ms. Coulter. She made disparaging and insensitive statements about you, calling you, and I quote, “a faggot”, end quote. Does something so mean belong in the day to day political discourse?
Edwards: Of course not. These types of remarks are not acceptable and name calling should never take place in politics.
HDW: Really? So, how do you feel about the current President of the United States?
Edwards: Poor-hating, bigot, and Hitler-like.
HDW: Right, no name calling. It seems like the Hitler remark is the “goto” statement echoed from the left when referring to Bush. Were there any history prereqs at the university where you took pre-law?
Edwards: Excuse me?
HDW: Well, Hitler routinely rounded up political dissenters, such as yourself, that railed against his policies and had them jailed, tortured, and executed. He revoked all parliamentary powers of the German government after taking power in 1933 and created a fascist state where he and his military leaders controlled every facet of day to day life. He invaded Poland, France, and the Soviet Union, bombed England, conspired with Japan to attack the United States, killed six million of his own citizens after several years of revoking their property and ownership rights simply because they were Jewish, conservative estimates say he was responsible for the deaths of nearly 50 million human beings in all, including almost half a million American citizens. Is the ‘Bush equals Hitler’ a fair comparison or a bit of hyperbole on your part?
Edwards: Bush has done that stuff too!
HDW: Okay, so I’ll take that as a no, you did not have any history prereqs in college requiring you to read a history book or two; so let’s move on. You speak of helping the poor yet your net worth is pushing $100 million. You speak of global warming and its ill affects on every day citizens of this country yet you own a house that’s over 20,000 square feet and you travel almost exclusively by private jet. You talk about better public schools and are against a voucher program for the poor, yet your children go to exclusively private schools. You preach about the “broken” health care system and the need for socialized medicine, yet you sued doctors to ensure higher costs for the citizens of North Carolina and made millions of dollars for a few rich lawyers such as yourself and those at your law firm. You speak of gay rights, yet you call out a political rivals daughter as a lesbian during a debate on national television.
Edwards: Was there a question in there somewhere?
HDW: Oh yeah, a question. Are you afraid your approaching a point where people can label you a hypocrite?
Edwards: My momma always said “do as I say not as I do”; words to live by. I can’t do as I say because America needs me. If I did as I say I would give my millions to the poor, live in a modest house with my small family, and not waste valuable resources flying all over the country preaching to the citizens of this great nation. Then how would this country know about there being two Americas – one good and one bad, one rich and one poor, one black and one white, one straight and one gay.
HDW: So, which of these two Americas do you belong to?
Edwards: Good, poor, black, and straight.
HDW: Look, a squirrel!!!!!
HDW: The citizens of North Carolina are the people who elected you to your first held public office, of which you held for exactly one term as senator. These are the people who know you best. After your first term in office the polls showed you incapable of winning re-election as senator so you decided not to run again. The ones you represented in the Carolinas, just like the American citizens you so long to serve now, did not hold you in high regard after just a couple years in office. These same Carolinians did not vote for you in the 2004 primary and did not vote for you on the presidential ticket thereafter. Can you explain why you now think anything has changed as far as nobody really liking you as a human being?
Edwards: I can’t help it if people are jealous. Just look at those flowing locks of gorgious hair. I am soooooo beautiful. It’s amazing what a $400 haircut can do.
HDW: You recently decided to turn Memorial Day this year into a day of anti-war protest. Even though this day is set aside to pay our respects and reverence to the over one million Americans who have given their lives in the defense of this country and what it stands for. Citizens who have died to free us from British rule, died to free an entire race from slavery, died to stop the wholesale execution of every Jew on the planet and free Europe from fascism, died to stop the spread of communism, and lastly, died to stop the spread of an evil perverted religion in the middle east from terrorizing the planet. Should this holy day really be used as a political stunt by your campaign to garnish a few votes in the primaries?
Edwards: [thoughtful and long gaze into the air above HDW’s shoulder] Is that what Memorial Day is for?
HDW: Oh, I forgot, historical perspective isn’t your strong point; that would be ambulance chasing. Maybe you can turn the Forth of July into a celebration of gay-rights, or maybe Labor Day into celebrating the unemployed? On second thought, let’s move on before you get any bright ideas. So, in one word or less, can you describe what kind of presidency a John Edwards presidency would be like and why the American people can count on you to be the best damn president ever?
HDW: Okay, that’s all the time we have for today. I hope you’ll come back closer to the general election when I’m sure you’ll have a lot more free time to spare so we can chat some more. Thanks again for your time Mr. Edwards, and God speed. Here’s a Holy Dog Water t-shirt for your troubles. Thanks.