The (Evil) Empire Strikes Back
As with all HDW posts concerning the New York Yankees, it is required that while reading it you have to be listening to the The Imperial March song from Star Wars. You know, when Lord Steinbren… err, I mean Lord Vader approaches. So, be sure to click on the video below before you begin reading.
That’s better. So, the Yankees now say that if they find proof that Jason “HGH” Giambi took steroids they’ll void his $120 million dollar contract. Here you go Evil Empire, I present to you Exhibit A…
Exhibit A — Circa 2000
The photo of Jason above was taken around 2000, just before he signed with the Yankees. It appears he’s signing baseballs for all the little children out there who look up to him and want to be just like him when they grow up. And by grow up, I mean grow to the normal size that God Almighty intended. Maybe they’ll look like this guy? Exhibit B…
Exhibit B — Circa 1993
That’s right, this is a photo of Jason about 15 years ago. I too remember when I turned 23, had been done growing for about five years, and then gained that extra 75 lbs of pure muscle. Then my head started growing in girth until it doubled in size, and then my balls receded into my body cavity. I mean, who doesn’t do that at 23, right?
WRONG! Leave it to the Evil Empire to try and plead the 5th on this one. Oh really Evil Empire? Really? You didn’t know Jason was taking steroids? Really? Reeeeally? Was Stevie Wonder in charge of player personnel then? Maybe George Costanza? Did you think maybe Jason ate one of his Oakland A’s team mates or something? Really? Not on steroids? No proof? Do you really need tickets to the gun show on this one? By the way, Elton John is gay. Oh, and Rosie O’Donald is fat… and a lesbian. Also, 1938 Nazi Germany just called, they want their propaganda machine back.
Did I mention that Jason had the balls (metaphorically speaking of course since the steroids have taken care of the physical) to say that steroids don’t help you hit home runs? Yep, I guess it is true that steroids make you an idiot too. You’re right in one way Jason, it takes mad skills to hit a baseball in the major leagues. But do you really believe that taking steroids which not only increases your strength, but also increases your stamina, doesn’t help a ball player hit home runs? Yes, you have the eye to hit the ball, but the difference in hitting it 200 feet and 500 feet does not come from said eye. That’s right, it comes from strength, and that comes from those shots in your ass. It doesn’t help average, but it does help you hit home runs. Period. Case closed. And let’s not talk about the fact that the Yankees eliminated the Red Sox in the ALCS a few years ago with Jason hitting two home runs. NO F**KING COMMENT!!!!
Besides, I can’t think of anyone who’s this size naturally, besides maybe genetically altered super Russians; and they throw like a girl. Nope, can’t think of another soul on Earth who went through more of a massive change in the middle of his career. Now, where did I put my Blackberry?