Car 54 vs. Number 54

Big Ole Profiled Pussy Cats

 For those of you who are under the age of 78 or didn’t have a father who made you watch the classics on TV, I guess I’ll have to first explain the title of this post.  Car 54 is in reference to the TV show Car 54 Where Are You (about cops) and number 54 is in reference to a random NFL player’s jersey number.  Get it?  The Cops vs. NFL players.  Okay, the title sucks, fine, I agree!

The coach of the Cincinnati Bengals, Marvin Lewis, decided to explain to the rest of us “idiots” out here that are actually dumb enough to follow the rule of law, that his players are not criminals, but rather are being unfairly profiled by the Cincinnati Police Department.  Here’s what Marvin had to say. 

“I think there’s profiling, no question. We’re [Cincinnati] a small place, our guys stand out, and they know that and you’ve got to do things the right way, but when you are arrested for, or you are pulled over for not putting on your turn signal, there’s something wrong there. Many people make right turns without putting on their turn signals and that’s unfortunate that we’ve had a guy that’s pulled over for not putting on his turn signal.” 

What?  A lot of people get away with molesting their kids and murdering their wives too Marvin, but that doesn’t mean if your players get arrested for it, that it’s profiling.  In the players defense, I’m sure turn signals didn’t come standard on that model years $120,000 tricked out Hummer H1.  Hey Marv, are you saying the police in Cincinnati are supposed to let your players get away with breaking the law simply because they are rich and famous?  Maybe instead of complaining you can handout driver’s ed books from the DMV at the next player’s meeting; which by the way has to be held in Holding Cell B in downtown Cincy now. 

A total of nine Cincinnati Bengal players out of a 55 man roster have been arrested on his team since last year, some multiple times, and the CPD are profiling them according to their boss.  Even though a lot of the arrests didn’t occur by the CPD, their department is somehow still to blame.  I’m sure the CPD actually called the police in Kentucky and Florida and asked them to arrest some of his players too.  Imagine if 16% of your co-workers were arrested over the past nine months.  Now imagine your boss blaming the police for this problem and not getting fired for extreme incompetence.  Now imagine you could ride a unicorn to work and get paid in gold coins made of delicious chocolate. 

What Marvin failed to mention were some of the other violations his players were “profiled” doing.  Little things besides not using their turn signal.  Things like marijuana possession, illegal gun possession, a DUI, and providing alcohol to minors (one girl being 15) while in a hotel room.  And that’s just the rap sheet for one player!!  Oh, and this guy is still on the team by the way.  Can you imagine your employer letting you get arrested four times in nine months and still letting you work there?  COME ON MARVIN!!!!

The crux of his point (which he denies) is that so many of his players are black and that they’re in a smaller town getting profiled just for being said color.  Why are all my black players getting arrested, he must be asking?  Marvin, it’s called the law of averages; most of your team is black!  Oh and by the way, out of the nine players arrested, one of them is a white guy.  So, 11% of the players arrested have been white.  How many white players are there on your team?  Let me guess, is it around 11%?  Unless my TV is broken, it looked that way to me last year.  Marvin now denies that he meant his players were being profiled for the color of their skin.  He meant profiled for being rich football players.  Really Marvin?  Is that what profiling means?  I feel yeah man.  I get profiled by hot women in bars all the time for being a geek with no money.

This is not a black or white thing, it’s a poor manager thing; and that manager is you Marv.  You should be fired for not controlling your employees.  Anyone would be fired for such a lack of leadership, in any industry.  Any manager should get fired for your kind of record.  And by record I mean on and off the field.  People get arrested.  People make mistakes.  This is not always in your realm of responsibility or control, I understand that.  But at some point after averaging over one arrest per month for nine months it has to be looked upon as a systemic issue, not just dumb luck.  The Patriots haven’t had an “employee” arrest since 2001.  I know the office I work in can’t even say that, and we’re a bunch of computer geeks who would give their left testicle to get into half the trouble NFL players get into. 

For the sake of your employees who don’t get arrested four times in nine months, you have to fire the troubled ones.  It’s that simple.  Either that, or the owner of the team has to fire you.  Take your pick Marvin.  Like one of my old bosses used to say to me all the time, “Hey numb nuts, did your mom smoke and drink a lot when pregnant with you?”  Wait, not that boss, the other one.  Oh yeah, “Get ’em good, or get ’em gone!”   



Posted on May 25, 2007, in Football, Sports. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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