Vicktim? I Hardly Know ‘Em!

If there’s one thing I know about, that’s being a victim.  As you all know, the MSM (that’s main stream media for you guys outside of the beltway and the know) is always gunning for good ole Holy Dog Water.  It’s always, HDW said this, HDW said that, HDW killed another hooker.  I mean come on guys, let’s give it a rest.  Besides, that hooker was asking for it, with her “sitting in my car” and “not being dead” and all.

Well, at least now I know I’m not alone.  Those jerks in the MSM are at it again, only this time they are directing their vitriol at none other than the unassailable Michael Vick.  Apparently, the Nazis over at ESPN’s Outside The Lines decided to do a story concerning Mr. Vick and dog fighting.  Are you kidding me?  You mean to tell me we’re not allowed to own animals, chain them to half buried car axles in the backyard, feed them the rotting flesh of other dogs, beat them into a fiery rage, and then throw them into a plywood ensconced pit with orders to kill anything in front of it?  I guess the next thing you’re gonna tell me is they’ve outlawed slavery down south too?  [guy leans forward and whispers something in HDW’s ear]  Really?  When did that happen?

Okay, let’s move on.  I own a dog named Reagan, that just so happens to be this websites mascot and also Editor-in-Chief.  Those that know me can attest to the fact that I either need to stop showing them photos all the time of my dog, or need to get a “real” daughter, whatever the hell that means.  I can tell you right now, Reagan would probably be just as happy being Mike Vick’s bitch as she is mine.  She would just be tickled pink being treated like a piece of shit and either killing or being killed by another dog in a death match.  Sure, that would be much better then the 2,000 square foot “doghouse” she calls home now.  Of course, if she were Vick’s dog then she’d probably go by the name Bong, or Dime Bag, or maybe Water Bottle.  Besides, you can only name so many dogs “Kill, Kill, Kill!” before it gets a little confusing.

Luckily for Vick, he has lots of friends around to back him up.  Here’s Mr. Clinton Portis’ take on the whole matter at hand.

I don’t know if he was fighting dogs or not,” Portis said. “But it’s his property; it’s his dogs. If that’s what he wants to do, do it.”

Portis said dog fighting is a “prevalent” part of life. 

No truer words have been spoken my friend.  I too can remember the first time my dad took me to a dog fight.  It was magical.  The smell of wet dogs and their open untreated wounds.  Blood spatter everywhere.  The larger than life men throwing around that weeks child support money in hopes of finally hitting it big.  Digging my first mass dog grave.  Peanuts and Crackerjacks.

Mr. Portis continues.

I know a lot of back roads that got a dog fight if you want to go see it. But they’re not bothering those people because those people are not big names. I’m sure there’s some police got some dogs that are fighting them, some judges got dogs and everything else.”

WOW!  I have got to look up which University Mr. Portis attended and get my unborn children enrolled immediately.  You stay classy University of Miami, you stay classy.  I guess the Redskins organization took offense to their employee’s statement and asked that he clarify his stance, whereas Mr. Portis gave the obligatory retraction (aka, the one prepared for him by Daniel Snyder). 

In the recent interview I gave concerning dog fighting, I want to make it clear I do not take part in dog fighting or condone dog fighting in any manner,” the statement said.

Got that, America?  He “does not condone dog fighting”, so ignore the part where the day before he said that if Michael Vick owns the dogs that they’re his property and he can do with them as he pleases, regardless of the law.  Is it me, or does NASA appear to be missing a scientist?

Regardless of how you feel about this issue, you can rest assured that Michael Vick has been cleared of all wrong doing by the court of public opinion.  So much so, that he was recently asked by a reporter if he felt exonerated, to which he replied, “What did you just call me?  If by exonerated you mean really really high, then yes, I feel really really exonerated.  Like super Jamaican crippy exonerate.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go find a good name for my new dog.”

Who would have thought it, but it appears Marcus is actually the good brother, not Michael.  Go figure.  Oh and one more thing… Dog Fighting is for Queers!          


Posted on May 28, 2007, in Football, Sports, You Stay Classy. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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