Movie Review: Spider-Man 3

SpiderShitSpiderShit

 I just read that a bunch of Spider-Man fans were upset that the “super power” of web spinning in the movies was going to be a biological function instead of a device he fashioned in his Aunt’s basement.  Speaking of biological functions, Spider-Man 3 is a steaming pile of Spidey Shit! 

No really, it is one of the worst movies I’ve seen in a long time that didn’t star Toby McGuire.  What?  That wasn’t Tom Cruise?  Oh, well then I guess this movie was worse than originally thought. 

I also found out that the Spider-Man 3 movie cost almost 200 million dollars to make.  Begging the question… who in the hell at Sony embezzled 175 million dollars?  Really! 

This movie was so bad… [5 seconds of silence pass].  THIS MOVIE WAS SO BAD!  “How bad was it?!?!?!”  It was so bad, even the white people in the audience were on their cell phones.  I kid, I kid.  

So, if you’re really bored this weekend be sure to go to the movies and see Spider-Man 3, but only in the event Bin Laden has your family in the truck of his Lincoln Town Car and demands it.  If you have something better to do, like an amateur colonoscopy, then do that instead.  No really, you’ll feel less like you were raped three times and your HMO should cover it, which is more than I can say for this movie.

 HDW Rating: 4 Out of 5 Steaming Holy Dog Piles.     

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Posted on June 5, 2007, in Entertainment, Movies. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. Actually, the original Spider Man 3 script was to provide for one of the best movies EVAAAAR!! But to divert the country’s attention from global warming (see cutie pie Leo) and rising gas prices, the GOP sent in a spy to rewrite part (all) of the script to make it absolutely disgusting. Viewers outrage would ensue and a national crisis diverted. Now if only more people could join me in support for Hillary by signing her petition we could fight these morally challenged bastards!
    On a side note, Leo is set to start shooting the new ‘Globo Man’ movie. Rumor has it that Scott will be acting as his Robin-like sidekick sporting a thong and donkey t-shirt.

  2. Are you kidding? Spiderman 3 was awesome! It had Tobey acting like a complete pansey, Kirsten Dunst not acting at all, and Topher Grace with fangs! And don’t forget emo Spiderman complete with black hair, long bangs, and man-liner. Spiderman just went all Fall Out Boy on our asses.

    I also agree with Dave. I tend to think Spiderman not being all that it can be is mainly the fault of the Republicans, as are most things.

    Oh and count me in for ‘Globo Man’. I’ll be first in line..that movie is going to blow Delta Farce out of the water!

  3. As far as HDW doing the Globo-Man movie, I will reiterate the statement I made on Entertainment Tonight last week…

    “If nominated, I will not accept; if drafted, I will not run; if elected, I will not serve.”

    No truer words have been spoken General Sherman, no truer words.

    Besides, the director said they couldn’t find a thong banana hammock big enough for me, so they opted with signing Shaq instead.

  4. Speaking of Globo-Man, I am in discussions with Universal for a part in the new live action Captain Planet movie. The script looks great.

    Captain Planet’s National Guard division is called up for service in Iraq and he has to go “global warming” on those terrorist’s asses. Only problem is Alec Baldwin is up for the lead as well and if he can manage to lose the 120 pounds he’d be required to play the part, then I’m screwed.

  5. Emo evil Spider-Man, that’s right Clizz.

    Too bad Superman did it first in the eighties in Superman 3. Only Superman got “super” drunk and became a “super” dick and punched little girls in the throat. F**king cool man!!!!

  6. Fight The Power

    The comment you made regarding the movie was so bad, even the white people in the audience were on their cell phones offended me. Those types of statements are stereotypes that do not reflect all African Americans. When I saw this movie on bootleg at my house, I assure we did not talk on the cell phone at all. We were excited about a black spider man! Why the BLACK Spider Man movie has to suck? You need to CHECK yourself before YOU Wreck yourself. I can not wait for a BLACK wonder woman starring Grace Jones. You should be ashamed of yourself!

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