Sofa King We Todd Did
One of the best things that’s ever happened to the NFL, besides the Patriots winning next years Super Bowl ten months early, is the wonderful and glorious Michael Vick. The Vicktim, as we call him at HDW, was once again being picked on this week in the MSM (main stream media). Yet again, the Nazis over at ESPN are running stories against the dirty bird. This time they’re about his dog fighting ranch, err… I mean house getting burglarized (that means it was broken into for you gator fans). Here’s a list of what was stolen and should soon be on an eBay auction near you.
Three plasma televisions – 62 inches, 42 inches and 32 inches – two floor buffers, a wet/dry vacuum, an upright washer and dryer, and a leather sofa valued at $17,550 were stolen, the newspaper said, citing a police report.
Nothing seems out of the ordinary with that list of stolen goods.
- A combined total of 136 inches of plasma televisions, including one TV attached to the ceiling above the bath tub – CHECK.
- Two wet/dry vacuums, one for the house and the other fashioned into the most powerful bong known to man (they don’t call Mike the MacGyver of bong making for nothing) – CHECK.
- An upright washer and dryer, for washing all those blood soaked dog collars – CHECK.
- A standard every day leather sofa, valued at $17,550 – CHECK.
So, how about them Red Sox? The game last night was disappointing. Especially when… wait, a $17,550 sofa!?!?!? Did someone misplace a decimal point at the Associated Press? Please God tell me they don’t f**king make $17,000 sofas? Hell, I didn’t even know they made $1,700 sofas!!! I don’t think all the sofas I’ve ever owned throughout my entire life totaled more than 1700 bucks. Actually, if you added up the cost of every piece of furniture I’ve ever had my ass on, it wouldn’t be that much!
What in the f*ck is this sofa made out of, dog fighting pelts? Old Michael Vick touchdown football Pigskins and stuffed with the finest caribbean sticky-icky? Matt Schaub? Really, the cops should have a rule. If you have anything stolen that you bought off eBay from Heinrich Himmler’s grandson, you should not be allowed to file a report. No exceptions.
So, the next time you feel bad about the poor, or the hungry, or the homeless, just remember, it could be worse for them, they could be Michael Vick. Where are his dogs going to sleep now? Oh that’s right, in the backyard, in a shallow grave, next to Vick’s career.