The Dating Game: Episode Two

You have got to read this article in its entirety to fully appreciate what we’re up against in the War on Terror.  Here’s an interesting excerpt, where this “freedom fighter for Allah” is explaining his “religion of peace” and the consequences if their demands are not met.

Your failure to heed our demands … means that you and your people will … experience things which will make you forget all about the horrors of September 11th, Afghanistan and Iraq and Virginia Tech,”

Oh, and don’t forget to add the New York Yankees current season.  Did he say Virginia Tech?  Come on guys, stop taking credit for shit you had absolutely nothing to do with.  Power outage? WE DID IT!!!! Helicopter crashes in the desert in Arizona? THAT WAS US!!!  Having to see Rosie O’Donnell on TV?  You guessed it, that was them too.  Hell, I guess it’s not surprising since these guys are still taking credit for just about everything, from getting Seinfeld cancelled, to that time the Pope got really bad heartburn.   What a bunch of narcissistic douche bags. 

Is their brand of religion really so bad that they have to threaten peoples lives to get them to join?  It’s like they’ve entered a pissing contest with Christianity that they can’t win, so they just decided to kill everyone.  I guess after that 72 virgin marketing campaign failed they had to move to plan B… kill everyone!  (Correct me if I’m wrong Sandy…) 

It’s like the Ford Motor Company saying screw it, if they want to buy a Chevy, let’s just kill ’em.  CAR BOMB!!!  Brilliant!!!  Eventually GM will go under and they’ll have to buy a Ford, right?  No wonder these idiots are still working on perfecting that whole wheel to cart technology while the west is attempting to perfect the art of docking our f**king spaceship into a f**king space-station in outer-f**king-space as it orbits the f**king planet!!!! 

Here’s a nice little factoid for you to consume and take with it what you will.  The country of Greece—population circa eleven million—has more foreign books translated into their native tongue than all the countries in the Middle East combined have translated into theirs.  By the way, the Middle East’s total population is between 400 million and half a billion people.  This is not necessarily because the people of these countries don’t want to read a book possibly written in another country, but rather because the dictatorial regimes controlling said country will not allow it. 

The mad mullahs do not allow it.  They would rather declare fatwa’s, requiring “good” muslims to kill authors that may “slander” their religion.  And imprisoning or sometimes killing citizens that may carry the text of another religion, such as the Bible.  Did I miss it in the news when the Pope declared that “good” Christians should kill Dan Brown?  Okay, just checking.         

After careful analysis, I have come to the conclusion that the quickest way to defeat these animals—besides turning the middle east into a gigantic glass plate—is to simply get them laid.  No, seriously; nothing like some va-jay-jay to brighten up your day, or your general disposition on human civilization as you know it.  These guys are like that one asshole friend of yours that is in such a deep hole (aka, tail drought) that he ends up only digging himself deeper when trying to climb out.  

You know, the guy that hasn’t gotten lucky and picked a chick up in a bar since Clinton was president; and the longer he fails, the worse he gets at it.  He’s the guy with the type of lines like, “Hey pretty lady, I lost my number… can I borrow yours?”  He couldn’t get laid in a monkey whore house with a bag of bananas.  If you need help picking up chicks, just remember the fundamentals and ABC’s of bar trolling my friend; ABC: Always Be Closing!!!  At some point, if left untreated, this guy will take matters into his own hands and either visit a professional lady of the evening, or end up going on a killing spree in the town’s clock tower before turning the gun on himself.

Now, imagine that same friend being in that same funk, but for 30 years.  Presto, a terrorist is born!  Think about it, have you ever seen even a modicum of attractiveness in any of these idiots?  Even ugly people have that one redeeming quality.  You know, the “She looks like she was hit by a speeding dump truck, but what an ass!”.  Or the world famous butter-face, “Everything looks good, but her face.”  Even the terrorists that aren’t just a product of massive inbreeding are usually about as handsome as a camel’s backside.  You know, they have a face only their mothers can love… on payday. 

No wonder you guys can’t get laid, between always wearing a white robe and sandals in the middle of a 700,000 square mile sand box, to not trimming up that beard into something manageable for the ladies to work around, to wearing that bulky suicide bomb vest everywhere you go, it’s a wonder even the prostitutes will do you.  “Hey fine lady, how much”, Abdul asks with a creepy smile?  “For you?  Two goats and a date tree”, she exclaims while looking him up and down.  “WHAT!?!?!…  Does that include the ‘Shock and Awe’ special like the other hooker gives?” 

Speaking of jokes… With a cigarette dangling from his mouth Bin Laden walked up to a camel and asked for a match.  To which the camel replied, “My ass and your face!”  Thank you, I’ll be here all week.  Please tip the wait staff.

If you don’t believe me about these guys being as ugly as sin, check out this lineup.  As a matter of fact, I think it’s time for that fun filled game we all love…

***

The Dating Game! 

Game Show Host: So, let’s introduce today’s contestants.

That’s right ladies, he hails from the beautiful city of London, a place he’d like to destroy.  He was the head Imam at the mosque where the shoe bomber and 20th 9-11 hijacker went to “learn” and hear him preach, he’s 26 years-old, loves long walks at the beach (especially the sand dunes), owns three cats, and can’t wait to settle down and have a few little tikes of his own so he can teach them to kill Jews – it’s Sheik Hamza… 

[Contestant One walks across the stage, smiling and waving his hook to the crowd]

SMOKIN’ HOT

Our next contestant is from the tropical paradise of Sadr City, Iraq.  There he’s been gainfully employed as an Imam at a local mosque for several years.  He enjoys hangin’ out with his woman at the local hookah bar, trying new things, and one day doing a lot of world travel, where he can kill all the Jews he meets – give a big Dating Game welcome to Muqtada al-Sadr…

[Contestant Two walks across the stage stroking his beard]

Mookie

 

Our final contestant was born in an unknown location deep in the heart of the Middle East.  He loves riding his dune buggy on the weekends, says the perfect girl will need to be a lot different from his 15 other wives, and he can’t wait to hit the singles scene again.  Oh, and kill all those dirty Jews.  Please welcome Khalid Sheikh Mohammad…

[Contestant Three walks across the stage attempting to pat down and fix his hair] 

HOTTIE!!

Game Show Host:  Thank you all for coming today to participate in the second episode of The Dating Game.  Let’s explain some of the rules and introduce our lucky girl.

The one and only primary rule we now have in place on The Dating Game is that the contestants are no longer allowed to stone, rape, hang, or in anyway kill or maim(including but not limited to female circumcision) the female contestant for any “crimes” they deem against Allah.  This was not clearly stated in last weeks first episode and we apologize profusely to last week’s contestant’s family.  By the way, our lawyers have cleared the show of any direct wrong doing, so we have that going for us.  Now, on with the show.

Our lucky female contestant is from Long Island, New York.  She’s 38 years-old, a single mother of three, and a corporate lawyer working for a major bank.  She loves sun bathing, Coldplay, and can’t wait to retire so she can open a Bed and Breakfast in upstate Vermont.  Please welcome Jane Doe (due to legal concerns and death threats from the religion of peace, all names have been changed to protect the innocent).

Okay Jane, let’s begin.

Jane: Contestant number one, if I were an ice cream cone, what flavor would I be and what would you do to me?

Sheik Hamza: [shaking fists violently in the air] Death to all infidels!!!  You are a vile cancer to Allah and you must be destroyed!!!

Jane:[shifting uncomfortably in her seat] Contestant number two, same question.

Muqtada al-Sadr: I will rip out your tongue and feed it to your mother you dirty imperial whore!!!

Jane: Would you like to take a stab at it… err, I mean would you like to answer the question contestant number three?

Khalid Sheikh Mohammad: Mint chocolate chip and I’d lick you until there was nothing left but an ice cream cone.

Jane: Very nice.  I can’t wait to…

Khalid Sheikh Mohammad: [interrupting her] Then I would feed your heart to the wild dogs, you bile of camel!!!

Jane: Well, contestant number three, it seems someone needs a nice massage and maybe a stiff drink.  How would you want me to greet you at the door after a hard days work?

Khalid Sheikh Mohammad: I will greet you at the door with the head of my enemy on a pike.  I would expect you to be covered from head to toe in your large, thick nightgown blanket showing only your eyes and maybe three fingers.

Jane: Hmmm, sounds sexy.   

Sheik Hamza: [standing abruptly and shaking his hook at the audience] Allah will burn you all in hell for eternity because of your infidelity against him.  America will soon be destroyed under the weight of the great Muhammad.

Game Show Host: Hammy baby, let’s keep it down to a slight yell.  Remember what we told you before the show… inside voice, inside voice.

Jane: Well, contestant number one, that’s a very nice hook you have there.  Do you have any interesting attachments you could use on me?

Sheik Hamza: I will take my hook and gouge both of your eyes out like the American dog you are.

Jane: Speaking of eye patches, that’s a very nice one you have there.  How would you keep your good eye on me?

Sheik Hamza: [charging the screen towards Jane swinging his hook violently] ALLALALALALALALA!!!!!!      

From behind the curtain runs a blur of a man towards Sheik Hamza, then clothes lines him to the floor on his back with a loud thud!  In the same smooth motion he pulls a large knife from his ankle holster where he immediately “dispatches” him to his 72 virgins. 

Game Show Host: Ladies and gentleman, let me introduce you to our newly hired head of security, Mr. Jack Bauer.  Mr. Bauer, remember the part where we said do not kill the contestants?  Do not kill them.  Not.

Jack: [cleaning his knife off on his pant leg] Sorry, that will never happen again, I give you my word.  Thank you.  Thank you very much.  My word… I give it to you.

Game Show Host: Well, since we only have two more contestants again we better cancel the show… again.

Jane: I pick Jack Bauer!!!  I pick Jack Bauer!!!

Game Show Host: Join us next week when our contestants will include a very special guest.  None other than the big goat cheese himself, Bin Laden.  Until then, good night and good luck and keep it in your pants.

Big Dating Game Goodbye Kiss

   

  

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Posted on June 20, 2007, in Humor, Punditry. Bookmark the permalink. 6 Comments.

  1. You know, I think SNL needs a new writer (well, I KNOW they need new writers).

    I pick Jack Bauer, too!!

  2. The Wearer of the Pants

    This is really uncomfortable, but here it goes…

    There actually was a directive for good Christians to kill Dan Brown. You just weren’t on the list. I had understood that those of us in the “good christian club” were the heaven guarantees, but I could have gotten it wrong. It doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be charcoal.

    Sorry for your luck!

  3. The Pope gave a directive to kill Dan Brown for writing The Divinci Code? How did I miss thast one???

  4. I hate to mention it—but since these posts only have a shelf life of like two days—did anyone find the easter egg within the post? Trust me, it’s worth finding.

  5. The Wearer of the Pants

    LOL! got it!

  6. This is hilarious. Nice work.

    BTW, the Hot Blogger Bracket is officially over, and they have declared you the winner.

    http://ladiesdotdotdot.wordpress.com/2007/06/22/hot-blogger-bracket-were-crowning-his-ass/

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