And… We’ll… Keep On Fighting, ‘Till The End!
Wow! I’m at a loss for words. Okay, just kidding. You know me, blah, blah, blah! What a great way to start a Friday morning. I awoke to the news that I had won the “Hot Blogger Contest”. I guess it’s true what they say, good guys do finish last. I should go into the “I’d like to thank the academy” speech, but I’m not quite sure if that’s appropriate here. But I would like to thank all the little people. Without the midget demographic squarely in my corner, I wouldn’t have stood a chance.
Being “crowned” the Hot Blogger Champion like this, at least now I finally know how W felt after the 2000 election. Thank you to the supreme court of beautiful ladies for handing me this great honor. I will hold the title with great respect and very rarely get arrested in a hotel room with an eightball, my midget gimp, and three hookers. If I do get arrested, I’ll be sure when the news cameras are on me during my perp walk to cover my face using my new 2007 HBB Championship hoodie.
Just to let you know, I haven’t won anything since 8th grade when Kilmore, my level 36 ranger, defeated that tricky wizard, Billy from home room. So, needless to say, this comes as a big surprise. The Ladies did forget one little thing though; they forgot to ask me the obligatory after a championship question. “HDW, you just won the Hot Blogger Bracket Contest, what are you going to do now?” To which I will point both hands to the heavens and exclaim, “F**k Disney Land, I’m going to The Gold Club, Pacman Jones style!!!! Now, where’s my wad of ones?”
There are so many people to thank. I definitely need to thank my dad for really laying it to my mom good on that cold and bitter night 35 years, 8 months, and 22 days ago. They were on their way back from a romantic dinner at Red Lobster (come on, it was shrimp fest month guys!) when the station wagon broke down. So, they did what any middle class hard working Christian people would do back in the 70’s; they had unprotected sex and made a baby. Good job dad, great job mom! I still love Shrimp Fest month to this day.
I do agree with Digital Headbutt that I had reason to be concerned all along about facing him in my conference. Our conference vote totals weren’t even close to that of the other conferences so I knew that match-up was probably the end of the line for me, and it should be treated as my championship game. Mr. White appeared to have a loyal fan base, every station at the UNC computer lab ready for action, and the Tar Heels baseball team pulling miracles out of every orifice known to man, so I had reason for concern. Good luck to your boys in the College World Series this weekend. Go ‘Heels! By the way, great job slaying all those number ones and number twos for me dude. Wait, I think that came out wrong????
I would like to thank the 2001 New England Patriots for teaching me that dreams do come true and that grown men can wear hoodies (color: gray, size: 4XL for my hoodie by the way). Thank you Tom Brady for showing me that sowing the seeds of love with every super model you meet was not just a great article in Hustler. Porn movie scenarios can come true. You’ve given me that sparkle of hope that every time I go into the bank that me and three of the tellers may actually end up bumping uglies in the bank vault simply by me lifting one eyebrow and smoothly explaining how I’d like to make a large deposit.
I would also like to dedicate this trophy to the 1986 Red Sox. It was the first team to make me cry like a bitch, and the first time my dad called me a little f**king baby. He looked over at me as I was wiping my noses and said, “Son, when you’ve rooted for this team and had your balls stomped in for over four decades, then you can cry like a little f**king baby. Until then, shut up and get me a beer!” I became a man that day. Of course, Buckner will get two copies of the trophy… his and Roger Clemens. F**king traitor!!!!
I do love the “love spread” that was setup for the “crowning” of the champion with my photo in the middle (great spatial design skills Starter Wife). I did notice one thing. I had no idea one of the greatest TV shows of all-time—Magnum P.I.—had a brand of condoms! Now that I know about this, I’m going to grow out my porn star ‘stache again, put on my favorite Hawaiian shirt, and make some black guy fly me around in a helicopter. Now, where’s that asshole Higgins?
All kidding aside, I’d like to bore you all for two minutes and present a real thank you list. I would like to thank the HDW friends and family network that voted for me and put up with my constant emailing and vote begging. Even thanks to the ones who replied “Take me off of your distribution list you loser!” I’d like to thank all my male friends for only making fun of that “gay ass” photo of mine behind my back. Just to let you know, that “gay ass” photo has some meaning, assholes! [HDW sobbing and slightly weaping at his keyboard] So remember that when you find it hidden in your wife’s panty drawer next to her ‘rabbit.
I’d like to thank my other half (The Wearer of the Pants in HDW land) for rallying the troops on her side of the aisle and getting me many, many votes. She also began the email campaign that everyone grew to “love”. I shall reward you tonight… twice. I’d like to thank Reagan—my beautiful dog and the HDW mascot—who ate an entire chicken carcass Sunday night and prevented me from trying to garner anymore much needed votes that evening. That emergency put it all into perspective (call me a p*ssy for that and I’ll punch you in the throat). Thanks to the two friends that same night who noticed I was losing by ten votes at midnight without knowing I was out of commission and took it upon themselves to help. Good job Q-the-Impaler and Dave FF Guru (aka, McDive the Welcome to the Suck of Fantasy Football).
Never in a million years would I imagine you’d want to do this again, but if you did I’d join in a heart beat. Good times. So, since this is it, I guess that makes me life-long champ???… just kidding. Seriously, thanks a million for the “award” and for all the hard work everyone on the Ladies side put in. They quite literally worked their asses off on this one and deserve a much bigger award than me, so whoever is in charge of “thanking” them in their lives, make it a double for me tonight, they deserve it. Again, much love to the beautiful ladies of Ladies dot dot dot. I can’t wait to see what y’all have up your sleeves next (just kidding about the hoodie size, make it a large).
Oh, and one last thing, to the other guys that “lost”… EAT IT BITCHES!!!!!!