Gassing The Curds?

[Editor’s Note: I battled back and forth as to whether or not I should name this post Gassing The Curds or Apocalypse Cow.  It was a tough decision, and one I will let history and you readers ultimately decide.]   

Every month it seems like I read another article about global warmism that finally “jumps the shark” and subsequently enlightens people to the fact that maybe it’s all just a big pyramid scheme cooked up by politicians as yet another control.  This months shark jumping global warmism article really gives me hope that this day has finally come (yet again).  I’ll let you click, read, and decide for yourself.  For those of you with no free time to spare I’ll give the abbreviated version in the form of the always sufficient yet super efficient excerpt.  Remember folks, this is an article from the much respected Reuters “News” Agency.

Manners aside, getting cows to burp less can help reduce global warming.

Using modern plant-breeding methods to find new diets for cows that make them belch less is a way to reduce greenhouse gas emissions, scientists said on Monday.

No, I’m not going to point out the many logical fallacies present throughout the article; nor am I going to explain with the usual 10,000 word thesis about global warmism being just mankind’s latest manifestation of their existential guilt stemming from a lack of world disorder and personal strife when compared to previous generations.  I am also definitely not going to do what the global warmists do, which is to simplify the scientific debate by using anecdotal data such as this.  When man feels they’ve figured it all out, God always has this funny way of making us look like the small inconsequential idiots that we truly are (e.g.,  the Earth being flat; Einstein’s early assumption that the atom contained no energy; Newton’s assertion that simple metals can  be turned to gold; the moon being made of cheese, or was it spare ribs???).

So, to drive my point home—instead of my usual prose—I’ve decided to do something entirely different, new, and exciting.  Something I am really good at… for once.  That’s right, the age old tactic of being a smart ass.  No amount of scientific research, convenient or otherwise, can hold a candle to the infinite power of smart assology.  Most people who have the displeasure of knowing me know I’m pretty good at pissing people off, and that I could entice Mother Teresa to kick me in the throat within five minutes of meeting her.   

It’s a gift and we know what God says about gifts.  For you heathens, you’re not supposed to bury those suckers, so I’m honing this skill until I reach Jedi Master asshole status.  If there was such a thing as a PhD in asshole, I would be the tenured professor.  The big asshole man on campus.  Wait, scratch that, that sounds a bit too homoerotic.  Maybe the asshole of doctors?  Not to be confused with an asshole doctor (a la proctologist).  Paging Dr. Asshole, paging Dr. Asshole, you’re needed on the Internet Dr. Asshole. 

Oh no, I’m not done yet.  I am also the zen master of being an asshole.  The Drunken Massterhole if you will.  If being an asshole was a religion, I wouldn’t be the christ, but pretty damn close.  Maybe the Pope.  Your assholiness!  Please forgive me for my sins against humanity, it has been never since my last confession.  Done!  Now throw three hail marys into the end zone and call me in the morning.

I’m trying to convince my friends, family, and employer (especially my employer) that this asshole “problem” is not my fault, but rather a sickness or an illness.  I’m just an asshololic if you will.  I was just born in the shallow end of the gene pool in that department.  You wouldn’t condemn someone for having cancer would you?  I didn’t think so.  Cut me a break douche bag!

Now that we’ve determined my skill level in the dark arts of assholiness, I’ll show off said skills by presenting the Top Ten List of Things You Can Do To Save The Planet.  This, of course, is besides stopping cows from farting and burping.

  • Number 10 – Turn your entire back yard and front yard into a farm and grow all your own food.  Build a pig pen and hen house in the far corner of your back yard and be sure to schedule all animal slaughters (no cows allowed of course) to coincide with the elementary school letting out.  Oh, and instead of using fertilizer, just have the whole family shit in the front yard.
  • Number 9 – Kill all the surviving members of the Beatles.  Remember, Paul is Dead.  [Editor’s Note: If you understand this joke then you too are an asshole, a dirty hippie, or not one of those douche bag Rolling Stones fans.  Strong in this one the assholiness force is!]
  • Number 8 – This one is a two pronged attack.  First, stop using beauty products, such as shampoo, soap, and most of all, deodorant.  These products, even in non-aerosol form, are very bad for the environment.  The second step is to have your car destroyed and start walking or riding a bike to work (under no circumstance should you sell your car to another person just so they can kill mother earth with it instead of you).  Once you stop using deodorant and start walking/riding to work, you’ll finally be able to sit in that 10 AM meeting with the full knowledge (and all your co-workers full knowledge) that you care about your mother Earth.  In fact, you’ll reek of it.  The sanctimonious piety will be dripping off of you as you declare to everyone, “Hey everyone, not taking care of our planet stinks!”  To which someone in the conference room who’s less Earth-Aware than you will reply, “Did Bigfoot eat a bunch of Indian food and take a gigantic shit in that trash can over there?”
  • Number 7 – Get a bumper sticker!  Everyone knows a true environmentalist’s mettle is measured in direct relation with the weight of the bumper stickers slapped on to every square inch of the back window, trunk, and bumper of their car.  For God’s sake, how are we to save the planet if you don’t take that first step of informing those SUV owners how evil they are.  What?  You had your car crushed and destroyed already?  Crap!  Okay, either install a small chrome bumper onto the back of your bicycle and put it there, or buy a hemp t-shirt with that same bumper sticker slogan on it.  Something along the lines of, “Jesus loves you!  Everyone else thinks you’re an asshole for not driving a Prius.”, or maybe this classic instead, “Reuse, Recycle, Re- – -member, you’re still an asshole for not driving a Prius.”
  • Number 6 – Go on a massive killing spree or partake in some other lesser known form of genocide.  Many radical environmentalist will tell you that reducing the world’s population is very important and a requirement if we truly want to save all those endangered fish and owls.  To do your part, you can either find a clock tower in the middle of town and begin to “thin out the herd” by showing off your mad Call of Duty skills, or maybe go get pregnant and have an abortion, or simply kill a homeless person or hooker near your house.  Remember, almost giving is just like almost killing another human being to save the planet.  Do it for your children.  Wait, you have children?  You planet hater!
  • Number 5 – Destroy all your worldly possessions.  This has the added benefit of increasing your chances of going to heaven too.  And by heaven I mean living in a place more like San Francisco.  Own a house?  Do you have any idea how much wood was used to build your house?  Do you know what wood is made out of my friend?  That’s right, trees.  I was shocked to hear this as well.  They may call it a renewable resource, but tell that to the squirrels now living in what equates to an apartment complex as opposed to a penthouse high rise.  Destroying your house is not going to be easy, because burning it would destroy the planet and a bulldozer would do the same.  Maybe a pick axe?  No wait, the handle is made of wood (aka, trees).  Okay, got it!  A pick axe minus the handle.  Come back when you’re done, we’ll all wait right here.
  • Number 4 – In the infamous words of the great poet DJ Casper and his brilliant prose, Cha-Cha Slide: Reverse, Reverse!!!!   Today, it’s not enough to just stop destroying the planet, we need to reverse what we’ve done.  Let the healing begin.  Reverse, Reverse!!!!  Take your house that you destroyed and feed it to some needy and hungry termites.  Go down to your local Wal-Mart and start ripping up the asphalt parking lot with your handle-less pick axe.  Take those dead homeless dudes and hookers and plant them as fertilizer in your garden on the lot where your house once stood.  Reverse, Reverse!!!  Buy a potato gun and start shooting iodine into passing clouds and the rest of the atmosphere.  Passing SUVs (and their owners) may think you’re crazy, but keep telling yourself you’re not.  Yeah, crazy like a fox, asshole; crazy like a fox.  A fox that’s not on the endangered species list because of me man.  Reverse, Reverse!!!!  Choose paper, not plastic.  Reverse, Reverse!!!!
  • Number 3 – Stop wiping your ass.  After “dropping the browns off at the pool” (aka, taking a dump) in your front yard under a tomato plant, do not wipe your booty.  Come on, you’ve already sworn off beauty products and smell like a Las Vegas hooker with a yeast infection wearing sweat pants in July.  What’s a couple of bacon stripped pairs of pantaloons in the wash going to hurt?  Actually, that reminds me; you need to get rid of that washing machine too.  So, either buy a bidet, or get a wrench and fashion one out of the sink in your kitchen.  Why the kitchen and not the bathroom sink you ask?  Simple.  How else are you going to show off how eco-f**king-tastic you are if dinner guest can’t watch you “wash yo ass” after a nice shit? 
  • Number 2 – Recycle.
  • Number 1 – Without further ado, I give you number one in the Top Ten List of Things You Can Do To Save The Planet.  You can only do this one once you’ve completed the first nine steps.  Kill yourself.  It’s that simple.  Commit suicide.  This is the only chance mother earth has.  Your real mother made the initial mistake by giving birth to you.  She chose you because she loved you; that and she accidentally spent that $500 your dad gave her to “take care of it” on shoes and Saturday Night Fever movie tickets.  So, figure out a way to kill yourself in an environmentally-friendly way.  Please don’t poison yourself in the garage with the car running.  Who’d turn off your CO2 spewing car once you’ve assumed room temperature, huh?  (SEE: Number 8)  Hell, you might as well kill yourself by setting a large fire in a forest full of spotted owls.  Of course, if you prepaid your carbon offset credits for that, then by all means, kill yourself (no pun intended).  Call up Terra Pass and find out how many credits you’ll need for that first though.  If you are a true lover of the planet and are going to off the whole family too, then I have two words of advice for you: murder/suicide.  Task order selection is important here.  Remember, suicide first, then murder… rookie!               
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Posted on July 27, 2007, in Global Warmism. Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. The Wearer of the Pants

    So you published a 2000 word dissertation instead 10000 words?

    Apparently everyone has the Charlie Brown wrong.

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