Ground Control To Major Tom Collins
I know by now you’ve all read the breaking news concerning NASA and the problems they’re currently going through. Things like astronauts (more specifically, asstrobabes) stalking other team members, employees cutting wires and engaging in clear acts of sabotage, and most recently, drunk astronauts launching into outer space. NASA, leave the drinking in space to the professionals… the Russians.
This Just In: Breaking news out of Moscow. Last week the Kremlin discovered that two cosmonauts (that’s commie for astronaut) actually went into space sober.
I’m going to be honest with you, I’m surprised people give a rat’s vagina that these guys were drunk while launching into outer space. It’s not like they have a steering wheel in the shuttle. right? Wait, do they?
Anyway, who am I to judge since my punk-ass can’t even get onto a regular airplane without first visiting the airport lounge, dropping $40 on adult beverages, and using said beverages to wash down a few happy pills. I’m such a chicken shit, while I’m in my car doing the speed of smell, I worry about the 17 gallons of flammable liquid in my gas tank. Conversely, shuttle pilots get strapped into basically the same device used to launch nuclear f**king weapons around the planet. Here are some fun space shuttle facts, so put on your Mr. Wizard nerd hat.
- Vehicle Weight: 4.5 Million Pounds.
- Cost: 2.1 billion dollars.
- Engines: Two solid rockets boosters, three main engines, two orbital thrusters.
- Propellant: One million pounds in the solid rocket, 603 tons of liquid oxygen, 101 tons of liquid hydrogen.
- Speeds: 17,460 miles per hour in 8.5 minutes
- Temperature: 1,650 degrees celsius (that’s 3,002 in real degrees) on re-entry.
So, as long as these astronauts continue to go 17,000 miles per hour (by the way, that’s 5 miles per second!) in a rocket, or until the state of Florida builds a space shuttle police car out of an old Camaro, these guys can do lines of tang off a stripper’s tits for all I care.
So tell me, how many shots of tequila would you have to do to do this?
By the way, that’s just the sound barrier being broken. Take that sound barrier. Is that the way you like it? Full rocket thrusters? Yeah, you dirty slut you.