Congrats Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Hats off to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who finally won their first game of the season against the Red Sox this afternoon. Way to win your first game of the season against a division rival basically in August. I didn’t get the pleasure of driving down there for this weekends series. If you’ve ever been to a game at Tropicana Field you know when I say “pleasure” I am not referring to the baseball experience they’ve built down there, but rather the 90% chance of seeing a Red Sox win.
Seeing a game in Tropicana Field is like going to see a game in a circus tent; only the part of the elephants are being played by the Devil Rays fans and the part of the clowns are being played by the Devil Rays team. Who’s retarded idea was it to build an indoor arena in Florida, the sunshine state? Yes, I know it gets hot and rains every afternoon for 15 minutes, but that doesn’t mean you have to play ball in a freaking basement.
One of the worst parts of watching the game on TV is having to listen to the Devil Rays announcers. What, the local used car salesmen weren’t available for the gig? You get the usual home team announcer bullshit, like every pitch their pitcher throws that’s called a ball should be a strike, and every pitch the other teams pitcher throws that’s called a strike should be a ball. But it got a little out of hand when I had to listen to one of them explain how Dice-K’s gyro ball was a myth (we know) and then disparaging the entire country of Japan by telling us, “Yeah, but they believe in Godzilla over there so they’ll believe anything.” I was waiting on Iwamura to steal second base to the cheers of, “he stole second base like a surprise attack on Pearl Harbor!”
Oh, it gets better. Then I had to listen to them explain how one of their crew members had to sleep on a blow-up mattress last night after the extended 12-inning game (good job Boston). To which his co-announcer explained, “You’re right, he did get winded after blowing that thing up, but boy was it an odd shape for a mattress.” What? Did you just give us a blow up doll reference on live TV my retarded friend?
At least we got entertained—when during the 7th inning stretch—they trotted out a giant blow up dancing banana, robbing Family Guy of what’s left of the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song. I thought it couldn’t get any lower. That was until they had a giant blow up gorilla in a bikini come out and challenge the banana mid-song. The gorilla “outfit” wasn’t complete until you noticed it was wearing banana earrings, leading me to believe these two were lovers. MLB, please move the Devil Rays to Las Vegas before it destroys what’s left of baseball after Bonds* gets through with it. Don’t believe me?
Quick note; to B.J. Upton. I know your team doesn’t get the pleasure of winning much, but please show a little class when you hit a home run. Don’t stand there for five seconds watching the hit while dropping the bat like your Ken Griffey Jr. Act like you’ve been there. Trust me, you’re no Ken Griffey Jr. pal. Hell, Ken Griffey Sr. could still play better than you.
Okay, one last thing to the worst team in baseball. Please don’t dump the cooler full of Gatorade on anyone during a post-game interview until you win a playoff series or simply get above a .500 record. If you haven’t looked at the standings lately—which I’m sure you losers down there never do—that means you need to win 26 games in a row. Granted, this is not a mathematical impossibility (yet), but in a couple weeks it will be… just like every year. Again, congrats on the win guys.