Jesus, This Guy Knows How To Party!
No really, Jesus needs to know just how much one of his ministers is partying in Tennessee. Lindsey Lohan ain’t got shit on this guy. Let’s check out what he did, between preaching to his congregation and hosting a local Christian radio program. The cops arrested him for a litany of offenses which, among other things, included the following.
- Pulled over for drinking and driving (I think?), where cops found an open bottle of vodka. Hell yeah man, it’s all about the vodka. Not sure if this guy had any taste or if he was drinking something other than Grey Goose.
- The cops found an empty bottle of oxycodone in his car during the arrest. Pill popping too? Remember, you aren’t truly pill popping if you’re not washing them down with liquor.
- Not that it’s a crime, but the minister was wearing a skirt when arrested. Just an interesting side note.
- A week earlier, the minister apparently “relieved himself” in front of a bunch of kids at a car wash. I’m guessing this was maybe a charity car wash since a lot of kids were around. Either way, the article doesn’t go into details as to whether his “relief” was of the number one type or number two. I’m going with him taking a dump in front of the kids, well, because it’s funnier. Even funnier than that… if he did it while wearing that skirt. Like the one Britney Spears wore in that video. Oh, please let there be security cameras!!!!! Please Lord, make it so.
- While being arrested, he offered the cops oral sex to bribe his way out of the ordeal. Remember class, it ain’t immoral, if it’s oral.
Those among us who are perfect and without sin cast the first stone! Thee who have not offered an officer of the law oral sex to get out of a traffic violation, come forth and testify that this man has done wrong. Remember, judge not, lest… wait, screw that! Sounds like this guy needs a little judgement in his life more than anything. Something we all hope the state of Tennessee will oblige him with. Throw the book at him! Not that book, the other one. There, that’s better.