Bobby Brown Is Not Crazy!
I’m sorry, the answer we were looking for was not crazy, not crazy was the correct answer. Thank you for playing today.
THIS JUST IN: People want Bobby Brown dead (well, besides Whitney Houston)!
One of our childhood idols—the one that decided to get off the Responsibility Train at the very first stop—is claiming that some people want him dead. Without further ado, let’s just cut to the chase and check out who wants to off him.
The singer, who separated from Houston last year, has been worried about [Bin] Laden ever since writer Kola Boof and an alleged mistress of the terrorist, said Laden wanted Brown killed in order to make Houston one of his wives.
Brown beefed up his security two weeks ago in Australia, where he has been on tour.
“I figure if Bin Laden wants me, and everybody is looking for him, it probably won’t happen. But if he wants to try and find me for something so stupid, he can do what he wants. I have to leave it in the hands of my higher power,” the New York Daily News quoted him as saying.
And by “higher power” I’m assuming he’s referring to his head of security/dealer. So, Bin Laden’s motive in having you killed is wanting to marry your classy ex-wife Whitney Houston? I’m with you on this one so far Bobby B. If Bin Laden is after him—and why would we think for a minute that he isn’t—then we need to take this threat seriously. So seriously that I really think the Department of Homeland Security should form a sub-agency with the specific task of protecting the national treasure that is Bobby Brown. We can maybe call it the Department of Homeboyland Security. If you try and tell me we can’t spend millions protecting just Bobby B. from the terrorists, well then I’ll give you two words—Johnny Gill.
That’s right folks, if al Qaeda is after Bobby B., what’s to stop them from kidnapping Johnny Gill to get to him, or any of the many other New Edition founding members for that matter. Well, besides Ronnie Devoe, because we all know Bobby would let him rot in a Pakistani prison before giving a dollar to the terrorists to free him.
So, to fight these terrorist, I say the Department of Homeboyland Security should first and foremost develop a Bobby B. Terrorist Threat Level system.
In case you’re thinking that this story just couldn’t get any more weird, I give you exhibit B, the next quote in the article.
Meanwhile, ‘Vixen Diaries’ author Karrine Steffans, who counted Brown among her many celebrity lovers, has revealed that the singer also thought that US President George W. Bush wanted him dead.
Son of a bitch! Now this really puts a damper on our plans to form a federal agency tasked with the sole mission of protecting the national treasure that is Bobby Brown. If George Bush is after him too then he doesn’t stand a chance. Sorry Bobby B., I’m fresh out of ideas now. Maybe move to Switzerland and claim political asylum? Anybody got a better idea?