Fantasy Football: FF for Euros

[Editor’s Note: Now that a new Fantasy Football season is upon us (thank God) I’ll be splitting time writing posts there as well as here at HDW.  Needless to say, my posting frequency will be adversely affected if I don’t duplicate posts between the two sites.  If you don’t like Fantasy Football or have already read this post then you’ll definitely get bored, so find something better to do, like play Minesweeper.  These posts will be authored by my fantasy football alter ego, The Drunken Irishman.  TDI is HDW’s resident expert on all things Irish, such as alcohol, fighting, slowly dying of life-long self-inflicted illnesses, and oddly enough, fantasy football.    

The below post is one welcoming our latest probie to the league, who just so happens to be an Englishman.  Enjoy.]

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Dave’s Fantasy - Mashing and Banging These In His Mouth

Not since the Invasion of Normandy have we Americans seen a Brit actually wanting to play with us American, so we need to make the best of this and ensure his experience is gratifying… and by gratifying I mean not let him win one single game and humiliate him. I can assure you that the week I play him my team will either be named ‘The Spirit of 1776’, ‘The Red Coat Killerz’, or maybe ‘The Union Jack Me Offs’. Speaking of flags, my team logo will be one of an upside down British flag. What? Really? The same either way it’s flown? Right… okay then. (Damn it!!!!)

As a peace offering to the Limy… err, I mean Brit, we Americans must be the constant diplomats—just like we are throughout the world—and help our foreign friend out by explaining a few things about pure football in its real as well as fantasy form.

First and foremost Cam, remember that Dave (aka, Dive McDive) is full-blooded German (or do y’all dirty krauts still call it pure-blooded?) so he has this genetic predisposition of writing checks his sorry weak ass can’t cash and thinking he can dominate the world when in fact he can’t beat the French or the Polish on even a good day. Ultimately, we’ll all just crush him this year like we do every year.

Secondly, do not attempt to draft a goalie or Beckham. This is the last time I will reference or make jokes about soccer and all of its shortcomings when compared to the manly sport of football. We Americans stop thinking about soccer right about the same time we hit puberty and notice the manly game of football.

Do not make light of our players need for wearing padding in football. This is an old and tired tripe the Euros like to prance out there when arguing the finer points of Soccer. Football players wear padding because there are men on the field that weigh more than three Beckhams and one Posh; and they are trying to crush you. When they post a player’s stats on the TV and you read that this black guy is 6 foot 5, 325 pounds, you are not watching an auction. 325 pounds is his weight, not his selling price. Racists!!!!!

Speaking of pounds sterling, the commissioner said the other day that he’ll gladly take any international monopoly money you may have, barring francs. He has the predilection and fondness for the US dollar or anything he can cash in for booze, hookers, and meth; but keep the Frog money away from him. I think it has something to do with a bad experience in prison and an inmate who sneaked in a French Tickler, or as we call it here in America, the Freedom Tickler. Either way, any type of cash a stripper will take, he will take.

When we calculate your player’s points, remember, it’s in yards not meters. None of that gay metric crap here. Maybe turn on the subtitles when watching the games on TV. A yard is three feet and a foot (which is singular for feet by the way) is twelve inches. Your running back’s points for the week will more than likely be measured in inches, since you somehow drafted Lennox Lewis in the first round using a write-in ballot (oddly enough). If you need to know exactly what four inches looks like just ask Dave at the draft party. To get to four he’ll need to show it to you twice though.

And finally, we must go over the guidelines for playing certain members of the league. Let’s start with the twins. You have to let them at least win or come close to wining a few games every year (it’s the gentleman thing to do). It’s just like the way we do it for Dave, only it’s a little easier. Letting Dave win just enough games (usually three) to ensure he dutifully hands over his money every year is always hard to do because his teams are always so shitty and his two good players he’s got he’ll bench for no good reason. By next year we’re hoping you can maybe give him some pointers on how to play this game.

As far as Robb goes, whatever you do, do not piss him off. Not unless you want a photo posted with Prince Harry photoshopped in your mouth.

Derrick will have players on his team not even we have heard of, but he’ll still beat the shit out of you and mostly everyone else. We do not know how, but have a sneaky suspicion we will not be seeing him in heaven.

Adam has been in the league for many years, but none of us know what he actually looks like since he hasn’t been heard from in years. He may send his slower twin brother to the draft party though. God, that guy picks some awful players. I think he thinks it’s a baseball fantasy league and we don’t have the heart to break it to him. We’re not sure.

Brien likes those crappy small European cars you like, so y’all can talk about that all season. Maybe y’all can setup a car pooling system for when one of your cars are in the shop getting a $400 oil change.

Nick is my boss! That’s it about him. Enough said. Great guy. I’m just glad to be playing him after my review.

J-Clizzy is one of your fellow probies, or rookies. The week you play him will probably be for both your teams only wins of the season and most of us can’t wait to see the match-up. It’s like watching the Browns playing the Texans or Titans, only with less scoring. It’ll be like watching two retards trying to piss in the corner of a round room. Like the French trying to win a war. Like Dave trying to pick up some poon. Wait, I got it… Like the British trying to win a World Cup.

War Drunks!

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Posted on August 15, 2007, in Fantasy Football. Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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