It’s Duct Season!
There comes a moment in every person’s life (about once a year actually) that they read something about a less than brilliant criminal and get the golden opportunity to laugh and laugh and laugh. I think that when this happens—pure pleasure at the expense of others—is how angels get their wings and how babies get their souls. It makes you feel smart, if only for a fleeting moment. Like watching celebrity week on Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune anytime. By the way, not that I want to get side tracked here, but am I the only one who imagines Wheel of Fortune fans making fun of those “dumb ass ignorant” Deal or No Deal fans?
The stupidity of others always brings a smile to the faces of those even only slightly smarter than the original perpetrators in the article. These little nuggets of stupidity are further proof that God truly does exist and that he’s running the biggest comedy network known to man; we just happen to call it Kentucky. Yes, most of God’s top comedic work does take place in Kentucky, but other exotic locales such as Tennessee, Michigan, and Poland come into play every so often as well (this is not one of those times). We’ll just call these four locations The Comedy Zone for short.
Well, a man that lives in the heart of The Comedy Zone decided to rob a liquor store a couple days ago (be sure to watch the video too, it’s the best). And why not, it was Monday. With it being summer and all he didn’t want to arouse suspicion by wearing a mask to hide his identity. Besides, I’m sure all of his ski gear from last season at Vail was still in storage. So, he did what any normal person would do… he put on his special thinking cap (which just so happens to be a UK ball cap with the trucker netting), downed a 1.75 bottle of Tennessee’s finest, and then proceeded to duct tape his entire f**king head!!!!!
I think some of the best parts of this story are in the details. If you look closely it appears that at first he did not leave space for his eye holes. Thank God he didn’t have a knife handy (or at least couldn’t see to find one) and just decided to rip himself some eye holes in the mask. It also appears that he took great pride in his work and seems to have taped his head really super tight. So tight that his lips are about to fall off. I’m guessing he couldn’t hear the police yelling at him to stop since he taped his ears shut as well.
Not that I would do this, but if I did, I’m just guessing I would have taped my head with the sticky side facing out. Just a wide guess. I also would have hid the twenty distinguishing tattoos covering my body so that the clerk couldn’t have picked me out of a line-up. Now, what could he have used to cover up his bodies torso? Hmmmm???? No, not a t-shirt, you dummy. I got it!
Wait, did you shrink wrap my arms too? Grab that razor knife over there.