Sa-weed al Bong
Am I wrong to think that the above photo would have been construed as overtly racist before the Vick controversy? Well, at least they’re not photoshopping a noose around his neck. Yet!
There are certain things in this world that are a sure thing. Things such as the sun setting, the sun rising, and every hot young chick thinking that both of those events take place in her ass. A day also never goes by without even a remotely famous person doing something really, really, really (ad nauseum) stupid. You can set your watch to it. Some days—when we wish it really hard—a famous person gets caught doing something that the vast majority of us find morally reprehensible. If you’re like me—and you look hard enough—a day actually never goes by that you’re not outraged by the actions of others. This can be to the dismay of my doctor and more so for his blood pressure machine.
My blood pressure, along with most others that are not Atlanta Falcon fans, have certainly been boiling during the whole Michael Vick dogfighting controversy. What? You haven’t heard about this? Well, for those of you that have lived the past year in an under water concentration camp, The Vicktim is about to cop a plea and go to jail for doing some pretty nasty things to other living things. This won’t be the first time an Atlanta Falcons star has plead “no contest” since most of their football games were no contest from the start.
Of course, most of us reach a point when we realize that maybe, just maybe, people are piling on. Such is NOT the case with Michael Vick and I can assure you the editorial staff at HDW will never let up. Never! Trust me when I say I look forward to game two of the NFL season when I get to hang my sign on the fence behind section 433. You can also trust me when I say that ESPN will not be televising it on SportsCenter that night for obvious FCC violation concerns.
With that said, sometimes enough is enough. There’s always someone who takes a terrible news event and any famous person involved in said event and attempts to take financial advantage of it. This usually involves a worthless lawyer, an even more worthless plaintiff, and a judge who’s too senile to know he’s not on the Supreme Court writing the minority dissent for Brown v Board of Education.
Well, here’s a case that better win frivolous lawsuit of the year, maybe even decade. Low and behold (happy happy, joy joy) it involves The Vicktim himself. The problem? Well, you be the judge (excuse the pun).
Riches alleges that Vick stole two white mixed pit bull dogs from his home in Holiday, Fla., and used them for dogfighting operations in Richmond, Va. The complaint goes on to allege that Vick sold the dogs on eBay and “used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran government.”
The complaint also alleges that Vick would need those missiles because he pledged allegiance to al Qaeda in February of this year.
“Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint.
He wants Vick to stop hurting his feeling and dashing his hopes? Damn, this guy is an Atlanta Falcons fan. Either that or he was dumb enough to waste a third round pick on him in his fantasy football draft last year. I feel your pain my friend. I feel it right here [fist pounding heart].
So, Vick technically can’t be prosecuted now since he’s an Enemy Combatant, right? That means he’s converted to Islam along with a long line of other athletes. I think from now on we’ll call him by his new Islamic name, Sa-weed al Bong, instead of by his slave name. And just how dirt cheap are Iran’s shitty-ass missles or just how amazing is Vick at dogfighting that he could finance one operation with the other?
Did I forget to mention how much this guy is suing The Vic… err, I mean Sa-weed al Bong for? Are you sitting down? Good then, put the back of your pinky finger over your mouth and repeat after me. He wants “$63,000,000,000 billion dollars” people, and I’m not sure if that includes pain and suffering. 63 billion billion dollars? Is my math off, or is that 63 trillion million dollars? I know al Bong is rich, but come on, he’s not A-Rod rich. Like always, here’s the kicker. If the guy wins the case, and that’s if, he wants to be paid in silver and gold (and not in chain form), dropped off in front of the prison. With the strength of the dollar now a days, this guy may not be as crazy as he sounds.
Oh wait, did I fail to mention this guys already in prison for wire fraud? Dude, you should have requested to be paid in cigarettes. Trust me, with gold selling at around $670 an ounce, you’re looking at a lot of gold; like 5,876,865,000 pounds of gold to be exact. Good luck muling all that up your ass while in prison.
Hey, maybe God will decide to make us all happy and put these two guys in the same cell? Then he can pay him in sweet prison ass black gold. For once, go Sa-weed al Bong!