Jesus Christ, I Love These New Toys!

The Lion of Judah
Daniel Sold Separately

Looks like Wal-Mart is going to start carrying Bible action figures.  Finally, right?  Come on Hasbro, or whoever it is making these things, why don’t you just hand Robot Chicken everything on a silver platter?  At least in the past they’d have to work a little at converting old hippie action figures into biblical characters to make fun of Christianity.  Nothing more fun than trying to make out whether or not the action figure they’re using in that Robot Chicken skit about Jesus is a whiskerless Liono or a robed He-Man.   

Actually, these action figures are just another reason I wish I was a kid again.  How totally awesome would it be to pit G.I. Joe against COBRA—in a mountainous battle of the ages made from all the comforters and blankets in your mom’s linen closet.  Just when you thought the good guys were beat and had lost the battle, Duke calls in re-enforcements.  Jesus, Moses, Adam, and even G.I. Joseph all immediately get airlifted “in theatre” and start going medieval on Cobra Commander and Destro’s ass.  Floods!  Plagues of frogs and locust!  Cats and dogs, living together!  Fire and carnage rain down in biblical proportions as Jesus calls in an air strike by none other than Big Daddy himself — God.  The ground splits open to release the hounds of hell, as they proceed to rip apart the souls of thy enemy with extreme prejudice.  After the long hard fought battle, Jesus—with a little help from your mom—turns water into grape koolaid.  Hell yeah!


Posted on August 23, 2007, in Humor. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. I’ve been looking for a fast track to hell…and here it is!

    What is Robot Chicken? Is he in the Manger scene from NBC new hit comedy/drama Bionic Savior? Better, stronger, faster, 30% more miracles.

    “Watch my son, and I will teach you how to fish.”
    ((Queue slow motion Jesus casting his Shakespeare Ugly Stick bait casting rod))
    da nanananana – da nanananana – da nanananana

  2. Bionic Savior! I think I’d watch that show. There are a lot of funny things coming to mind right now, but since I found out last week that Jesus is a frequent viewer at HDW (and I want to go to heaven), I think I’ll just keep them to myself…


    Colonel Jesus “John 3:16” Christ: The messiah, was injured in a minor work-related carpentry accident, when OSHA decided… Gentlemen, we can rebuild him. We have the technology. We have the capability to make the worlds first Bionic Messiah.

    Better… at turning water into wine. Faster… at walking on water.
    Stronger… at throwing tables used by money handlers in the temple.

    [Editor’s Note: I’ll buy anyone a beer who gets the “John 3:16” reference/joke.]

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