Welcome to the Moon; Now Go Home!
Dateline MOSCOW — The Russians announced this week that they’re planning to put a man on the moon by 2025. Well, I hope you brought your passport Russia, because we’ve substantially tightened security in the contiguous lower 48, as well as our other three satellite states… Alaska, Hawaii, and yes, the Moon. If you haven’t done the math in your head yet, by 2025 it will have been almost 60 years since the US put men on the moon. So Russia, if you need to borrow any of the 1960’s technology we used to land on the moon (almost 40 years ago!) just let us know and we’ll check with the Smithsonian National Museum about getting you guys a library card. Let’s up know if you want 8-track tape technology too and I’ll see what I can do. If so, I can loan you my copy of Rocket Man for the trip.
Come to think of it, I think it’s time to play The Really Game. Really Russia? A man on the moon by 2025? Really, 2025? The United States did it so long ago that we’ve probably forgotten how to do it, but I’m quite certain that it wouldn’t take us twenty f**king years to remember. Jesus, by the time y’all get up there we’ll have opened a couple of Starbucks lunar locations, or as they will affectionately be referred to in space—‘Bucks.
Really? The Moon? If you really want to impress us, why not truly go where no man has gone before? Like say, Rosie O’Donnell’s va-jay-jay. Hey, I hear no one has sent a man to the North Pole in a while, so maybe you should do that too. The 100 year anniversary of the North Pole “landing” by Admiral Peary is coming up in two years, so if you start preparing now you should make it there by 2015. If you want, maybe for your moon mission you should land on the dark side of the Moon and for scientific proof the US can film it for you… from Mars!
Remember, Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise a kid.