Jags v Tits: And So It Begins

Girl on Girl Action

It must be that time of year again here in Florida.  The temperature is dropping down to a balmy 88 degrees at night, the leaves are turning brown (from lack of water and over exposure to the sun), and the Jacksonville Jaguars are preparing for possibly another “blacked out to the general public” season opener this Sunday.  That’s right, another Jags season begins.  Thank God we’re playing the Titans and can get one of those eight wins of the season knocked out early. 

The Jaguars front office is again in general disarray, only this year even more so than usual.  Let’s move through time in reverse—using the ever handy HDW Time-After-Time Machine™—to see how we could have prevented such perilous times. 

  • Circa,  Mid 2007: Don’t start Leftnut… err, I mean Radio, err, I mean Leftwich in the preseason.  Instead, give Garrard some reps against first team defenses and see if he’s ready to use the entire playbook.  Luckily we’re starting the season against the Titans, so we technically get a 5th preseason game.
  • Circa, Early 2007: Move Leftwich during the draft to the Falcons for their 7th round draft pick.
  • Circa, Early 2007: Draft Brady Quinn or anybody in the draft with QB next to their name.
  • Circa, January 2006: Start Garrard in round one of the playoff game against the New England Patriots (still lose, but not by as much I think).
  • Circa, Early 2004: Draft Ben Roethlisberger in the 2004 draft after the Vikings don’t screw up by not picking on time.  Damn you Vikings!  We all blame you.

There you have it.  Problem!  F**king!  Solved!  Now, if only I could capture those last 22 remaining souls of the exactly 100 hookers I need for my devil-purchased time machine to work, we can all be happy in Jaguar country.  Until then I guess I’ll have to settle for almost making the playoffs again.  I actually do believe we’ll come very close this year to making it into the playoffs, where we will be immediately dispatched out of the playoffs Wild Card weekend by the LT-less Chargers.  Oh, did I forget to mention that with 50 hooker souls I can see into the future and that LT will finish out the season on the IR?  I guess I spoiled that surprise.  Sorry.

Now, as soon as the Jags don’t make the playoffs or get eliminated in the first round, Mr Weaver will more than likely let Del Rio go.  I too will be saddened by this move, but it will be one of those tough decisions that will have to be made.  Who will we bring in?  Well, I have a theory.  Look at the Tampa Bay Bucs.  They had Tony Dungy build that team up defensively a few years ago and he eventually was fired.  They bring in ole Chucky—an offensive minded coach—and he wins a Super Bowl immediately.  Brilliant! 

Del Rio is a great defensive coach as well, and it shows with the terrible draft picks and other decisions he’s made with the offense.  But that defense.  Holy shit that defense looks good.  So, the Jags need to do that same thing… bring in the offensive minded coach.  Take Del Rio’s hard work on defense, tweak the offense, and BAM(!), Super Bowl Champs.

So, who will Weaver bring in?  Well, it pains me to say this, and I’m sure most will be shock by what I’m about to say.  But there are only a few good head coaches out there in the college ranks.  And which one will fill the seats of Jacksonville Municipal Stadium quicker than the Gators own Urban Meyer?  I know, I know, he’s under contract for like six more years.  Something silly like a contract stops no one (especially at UF) from leaving a team now a days, just ask the University of Florida’s own basketball coach. 

Trust me, I hate this scenario more so than any other I can imagine, beside maybe that asshole Spurrier coming here to coach.  But I’ve got a sneaky suspicion that the owner of the Jags, Wayne Weaver, knows he has to do something drastic to fill the empty seats here in Jacksonville before the team is stolen away by LA, and what better way than to make these dumb ass gaytor fans happy. 

Regardless of what happens this year, I will still be there in the stadium, drunk off my ass, making fun of those opposing team’s fans, and cheering on the home team, win or lose.  I’ve spent the off-season honing my super power of pissing off away teams fans and Christmas comes early with the Falcons here in week two.  So, what does this mean?  It means you better Tivo Sports Center that night so you can laugh at my arrest over and over and over again.  Oh, and remember, what do we call the Jaguars for short?  The Jags!  And what do we call the Titans for short?  The Tits!  Prepare the chant: YOU SUCK TITS!, YOU SUCK TITS!, YOU SUCK TITS!

HDW Time-After-Time Machine™ Scoreboard   
Jags 27                    Pats 34
Tits 3                         F-A-G-S, Fags!, Fags!, Fags! 17

[Editor’s Note: I can’t wait to see how many perverts googling for porn, gay or otherwise, ends up finding this article instead.  Remember freakshow, God and your great grandma are always watching you… ALWAYS!!!]    

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Posted on September 8, 2007, in Football, Sports. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. The Wearer of the Pants

    “HDW Time-After-Time Machine™ Scoreboard
    Jags – 27 Pats – 34
    Tits – 3 F-A-G-S, Fags!, Fags!, Fags! – 17”

    OUCH! Only 22 more, huh?

  2. You know what? I bet some of those weren’t even hookers. Oh well, at least the Patriots won. I’ll be right back; got to fix this damn machine.

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