The HDW Times Journal Post: Touch ’em All Report

Good For Nothing Newspapers

Several interesting smaller news stories have been building in my queue for over a month now and I need to get them cleared out, so let the purging begin.  I’ll just hit you will a monthly (heh-heh heh, he said monthly) or bi-monthly (heh-heh heh, he said bi) issue of The HolyDogWater Times Journal Post every now and again.  No reason to split them up into multiple posts, right?  It’s like several posts for the price of one.  Don’t ever say HDW doesn’t give you more bang for your buck than any other News Sports Entertainment Random Stupid Shit blog.  As always, enjoy.


Patriot Act
The Pentagon was “tricked” into paying $998,798 to a defense contractor for services rendered, which included shipping two 19 cent washers into a combat zone.  The first thing I thought was, “Damn, where are they getting such a great deal on washing machines?”  Then the million dollar shipping cost really soured the deal for me and I read further to discover it was in fact a nut and bolt type washer.  You know, those things the size of a coin.  The shipping company—owned by two chicks—bilked more than $20 million out of the Pentagon and were finally caught during an audit.  Way to be good patriots there ladies.  Most of the cash will be recouped by the government when they auction off their many mansions and cars; minus the many vacations they took while men and women in the Armed Forces died fighting to ensure their freedom.

Thou Shalt Not Be An Asshole Driver
The Vatican has released The Ten Commandments of Driving and most of them seem reasonable.  The always familiar “Thou Shalt Not Kill” was included of course, along with not flipping off someone who cuts you off (yeah, right!).  I was fully expecting a couple political hot button issues to be used in this top ten list of the do’s and dont’s of the road.  Things like the following.

  • Thou Shalt Not Have an Abortion While Driving
  • Thou Shalt Not Wear a Condom While Driving
  • Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife While Driving
  • Thou Shalt Not Show Off Your Amazing Rack While Driving

I was shocked to find none of these included in The Ten Commandments of Driving.  What I was shocked to find was the church’s utter disdain for truck drivers.  Check out this statement from Cardinal Renato Martino.

He noted that the Bible was full of people on the move, including Mary and Joseph, the parents of Jesus and that his office is tasked with dealing with all “itinerant” people on the roads from refugees to prostitutes, truck drivers, and the homeless.

From refugees to prostitutes, truck drivers, and the homeless?  One of those four things seem a little out of place.

Holy Cow, Did They Bury The Survivors?
A total of 28 cows were killed a few weeks ago when they “escaped” from a prison dairy farm.  Several of the cow’s deaths occurred when they wandered into traffic, while others were killed by passing trains.  Witnesses said the scene was just awful, with blood, cow shit, and milk everywhere.  Of course they had to track down an official to make the obligatory expert statement.

A report on the incident said the cows knocked down a fence held up by rotting posts.  But Sessa said he wasn’t sure what caused the breakout.

Really?  You have no idea what caused the cow prison break?  I’ll tell you what incited it in just two words… Cow! Vagina!  Having a tight USDA cow ass in a prison full of men doesn’t help either.  Oh, and that whole one giant titty with eight really long nipples that gives sweet delicious milk ain’t bad either.  I’m getting thirty just thinking about it and I’m not even in prison.

So, according to the expert, the cows actually planned the great escape, right?  I’m guessing the next thing you’re going to tell me is they refused to be taken alive.  Sounds like that show on Fox has some great new material and plot lines for this fall.



All this news talk is making me sleepy.  I need some good ole fashioned American entertainment.  Hit it Messr. Jorge Lucas-o and James-o Earl-o Jones-o.


Posted on September 10, 2007, in ...And In The News. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Cute dog… but why are there toothpicks sticking out of it’s back?

    BTW, do you have tickets??? To the Gun Show???

  2. Well, some of us can’t afford the really good “supplements” like some other people I know. And you know if that was a photo of me and my dog the arms would be massive, along with the dog.

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