Don’t Taze Me Bro!

About once a year (maybe twice a year if I’m livin’ right) some dumb ass pampered rich white college kid whose parents have sheltered him from reality his entire life gets Tasered.  This always—and I do mean always—brings a warm fuzzy feeling to my heart.  Every time this happens the routine is the same, the kid is the same, and the way too understanding cops are the same.  Here, let’s watch the fun for ourselves first.  Try not to laugh and point.

God that makes me so happy.  It’s like Christmas and Thanksgiving and Independence Day all fell on the same day this year.  If you’re wondering, that video is missing the part where this kid enticed the officers to his side in the first place.  This is why the crowd cheered when they first attempted to escort him out (not arrest him).  It makes me proud as a taxpayer seeing that the cops aren’t going to give a criminal the chance to grab their gun while he resists arrest in a crowded school auditorium.  They don’t have the luxury to quickly assume a person resisting arrest is well intentioned enough to do so; especially since the Virginia Tech massacre. 

The police and innocent people have been murdered too many countless times when this mistake has been made, and cops are trained to do one thing — subdue any person resisting arrest… always with extreme prejudice!  I shake my head in disbelief when these political pundits—the same that ask why enough wasn’t done at Virginia Tech—question why cops had to use force to subdue a frantic person resisting arrest like this.  I pay for those cops and love seeing my tax dollars hard at work like that.  Hell, I pay for a lot of this kids education too, so please sit down and shut up when told kid. 

The sad part is that these worthless students (the one percent that were raised wrong) are setting examples and a precedence for others to follow.  Be a dick and the media will push the story just enough to get you off and maybe even make you some easy cash.  This would be fine, if not for the fact that officers get shot every day by people resisting arrest.  Why do you think they take this situation so seriously?  Should they treat you differently because you’re white, or a student, or a crybaby?  No, of course not.  But hey, what do you expect from a student?  What do you expect from a journalist major?  What do you expect from a Democrat?  What do you expect from a Gator?     

Go Cure Cancer!  Go to Mars!  Go Get Tasered!  Go Gators!   

Why is it that every time this happens it’s always basically the same kid.  Almost always a male, in college, well-off, and white.  It always goes a little something like this.  He thinks he knows more than anyone in the room (because his mommy told him that since he was about two), he breaks a rule and is warned nicely, he continues to break the rule, he is taken by the arm to be lead out for not being able to follow simple (adult) directions and won’t stop being disruptive (this is where the situation would be over, if not for the resisting), he immediately becomes a lawyer when he realizes neither mommy nor daddy are there to bail his (adult) ass out of trouble, he tries to talk the cops out of arresting him, he officially resists arrest, he begs the cops to let him go, he resists arrest even further by forcing his way out of the officer’s arms, he starts to cry like a little baby, all of a sudden he becomes a constitutional lawyer while ten cops try to cuff him to prevent him from grabbing a gun or night stick and endangering hundreds, he gets warned that he’s resisting arrest and will be tasered if he doesn’t cease and desist immediately, he continues to resist, he gets tasered, a bunch of girls in the audience begin to cry like small children and scream about letting him go, then he cries some more while they lead him out (finally in restraints). 

I think my favorite part is the fact that during all of this John Kerry is still on stage answering the kids question while he’s getting zapped.  He even had a cute little joke ready for the crowd.

“Unfortunately he’s not available to come up here and swear me in as president.” 

This is officially the greatest thing Kerry has ever said in a speech… ever!  It was also by far the most electrifying speech I’ve ever seen Kerry give.  At least for one audience member anyway.  It was unfair that the kid didn’t get a chance to ask his most important question about why Kerry and Bush orchestrated 9/11, but oh well. 

What are they teaching these kids (or should I say not teaching these kids) in Hogtown USA, down there in Gunsville, Florida?  I knew the UF football team was full of potheads and assault rifle lovers, but this is ridiculous.  No, not that AK-47 incident, this one.

The Official 2006 University of Florida National Championship Commemorative Edition AK-47

Just listen kid.  Forget this ever happened.  Go back to your dorm, put a small band-aid on your boo boo, and get laid at parties for the rest of the semester where those UF girls feel sorry for you about being the new white Rodney King.  Please don’t get a lawyer and try to extend your 15 minutes of fame (which by the way is about 16 minutes too long for a dumb ass like you), and just thank God you weren’t a black guy resisting arrest like that because they shoot those guys for doing that, and not with a cute little electric razor!  Go Tasers, err… I mean, Gay Goaters, dang it, I mean, Electrocute Gators!  Crap, I give up! 


[Editor’s Update: This idiot is not a journalism major like I reported above, but rather a telecommunications major.  So, I would like to apologize to all idiots and journalism majors for the offense.]


Posted on September 18, 2007, in Football, Humor, Is Our Children Learning?, Mensa Members Unite, Stupidipity. Bookmark the permalink. 2 Comments.

  1. Here’s your boy’s website:

    After looking at it, I’m pretty sure the whole thing was just a stunt, and that’s why the police tazed him. Apparently he is a known disruptor of the peace. I will be really disappointed if the cops lose their jobs over this. They were calm the whole time.

    You can spam him here:

  2. Thank you Q, I put your data to good use. Here’s the quick email I sent him…

    Thank God there are cops who protect the student body from idiots like you. After Virginia Tech these brave men and women and the tough job they perform every day cannot be taken for granted. Resisting arrest = Taser. Please pay attention in class and learn a little before you do something really stupid… wait, too late.

    15 Minutes… DONE!

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