A dentist is fighting for his right to practice medicine in the Peoples Republic of California because apparently it’s not okay anymore to fondle your patients while working on their teeth (oh, the good ole days). The issue doesn’t seem too chronic of a problem since only 27 women have come forward so far. The “doctor” insists he’s doing it to treat patients with TMJ, a disorder affectionately referred to by us pleebs as Lock Jaw. Well, now that makes more sense and seems like a very valid defense. Of course he wanted to cure the female patients of lock jaw. How else was he going to safely attempt to stick his joey in their mouths while they were knocked out. Here’s where the story gets good.
Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Phillips gave Lew three new complaints, including one from a 31-year-old woman who said Anderson fondled her at least six times over two years.
She took to wearing tight shirts with high necklines, “and Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra,” according to a police report.
Six times!!!! Did I read that correctly? Six f**king times in two f**king years? First off, how many people have to go to the dentist three times a year besides maybe the British or a straight up masochist anyway? I don’t know about her, but I draw the line at being fondled by a dentist at five times. Also, the lady tried to prevent further “Tune in Tokyo” sessions by wearing tighter shirts? Really? Tighter? Ah yes, I too remember when I tried to prevent that camp councilor from touching me inappropriately by wearing that banana hammock to swim class. Remember ladies, wearing tighter shirts just makes us want to massage them sweater puppies even more. You might as well of shown up to the office visit in a wet white tube top for Christ’s sake!
So, as a public service announcement and in accordance with the judges parole requirements, I will now give you a list of warning signs that you are going to the wrong dentist.
- The name of the office is Doctor Johnson’s Painless Dentistry, Adult Toys, and Massage Parlor
- The dentist asks you to put your legs up in the stirrups on the chair before putting you under
- Before the check up, he asks you if you’d like a nice glass of Pinot Grisio
- Playing on the radio the whole time you’re waiting in the lobby… Al Green and Barry White
- Also in the lobby—for your viewing pleasure—the latest issue of Knocked Up and Milky
- He insists that you put on a hospital gown… backwards
- As you’re coming out of being under general anaesthetic, you swear he was smoking a cigarette
- His dental assistant is a midget and is wearing a black leather gimp mask
- His diploma on the wall says he graduated for the University of Florida (okay, just kidding. damn gators!)
- And last by not least, the number one warning sign that you are going to the wrong dentist is… There are signs all over the office declaring that he’s a HMO
Thank you, thank you. Be sure to tip the wait staff.