Black is Beautiful, Tan is Grand, White is the Color of the MLB Commissioner

Not a Black Guy!

It has been announced today that Major League Baseball is only .082% Asian.  When calculating management and coaching staff only, the Asian population in Major League Baseball is a paltry .00082%, which equates to 1/4 of a person — the assistant third base coach for the Dodgers, Chuck Johnson (his great grandmother lived in Hawaii as a teenager).

This travesty of justice must be corrected.  You only have to look at how well blacks are represented in professional baseball to understand why this wrong must be righted.  It was announced today that 8.2% of the MLB population is black, and with the total black population in America at around 12%, many feathers were ruffled.  The NAACP was quoted today as saying, “We want 4% more blacks represented in Major League Baseball, and we want it now!”  The federal government promised to tear down basketball courts everywhere and build baseball diamonds throughout the inner city immediately.

The study on diversity in baseball had this to say.

“Baseball has probably lost a whole generation here,” Lapchick said. “African-Americans just aren’t playing it at this point. They’re going to have to increase their efforts.”

Wait, “they” are going to have to increase “their” efforts?  Who is “they,” baseball or black kids?

Once again, the study failed to address the even less represented Asians in baseball.  The commissioner of baseball was quick to try and reclassify David Ortiz as three black guys, but the citizens of Boston immediately began to riot when they heard the news that they would have to root for a black guy as their number one sports hero.  So, the commissioner of baseball did the only other thing he knew to do — he called the commissioner of football to see if they could spare any black athletes for the cause.  A MLB representative was asked if they had a message for the NFL, to which he replied “Yes!  Come on guys, the NFL is 82% black…. stop hogging all the good athletes!”

An NFL official, who requested annonimity on the grounds he was a white guy, was quoted as saying “If we [NFL] gave up any black athletes to them [MLB] it would drop us below our required 80% quota, and that is completely unacceptable.”  The commisoner of the NBA hung up almost immediately and refused to comment on their quota requirements, except to say, “Listen, we have a 4.0% white player rate in the NBA which we’re proud of, and with Dirk out with a knee injury we’re down to 3%, so please leave us alone.”

[Editor’s Note: After exstensively searching ESPN’s website, we couldn’t find one article referencing the racist issue of such a low white player ratio in the NBA, and even lower Asian rate.  The fact that not one Jew is playing in the NBA has raised some eyebrows with many, but not ESPN.  They’re way too busy trying to count how many “blacks” play in Major League Baseball and how to classify African-Caribbean-Americans.  You stay classy ESPN, you stay classy.]

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Posted on April 15, 2008, in Baseball, E-Racism, Football, Sports, You Stay Classy and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. 3 Comments.

  1. Man, this is so funny!!

    Cheers,

    Rafael

    PS. This comments brings you website’s Hispanic/Canadian people quota up a notch. 🙂

  2. Fucking hilarious.

    And please note, if you write a post insulting the racial makeup of Deadspin commenters, your site will get 7,000 hits. Trust!

  3. This is stupid beyond stupid. Too stupid to not make me stupid for pointing out the obvious to stupid people stupid.

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