Category Archives: Cloverfield

Find 815

For those of you who are big Lost fans out there (like me) that just can’t wait another 815 minutes for some quality Lost action on January 31, I present to you the Find 815 website.  Once you’re on the site, be sure to register first and start from chapter one.  The site will try to start you on the latest chapter, which you won’t notice until you’ve ruined some surprises in future chapters. 

So far, the site is just as confusing as the show, but it has its share of easter eggs and clues if you just look for them.  As an added bonus to the first 4,815,162,342 visitors, when you visit the site, J.J. Abrams personally adds a cookie to your computer that allows you to see the Cloverfield Spoiler video.  Oh wait, I was just told that it only puts more money in J.J.’s checking account.  Pity.

More to come this week on Lost and the upcoming Cloverfield (anagram?) theatrical release, so check back in soon. 

Ready to Get Lost Again?

The new Lost season begins Jan 31st and is moving to Thursday nights at 9:00pm.  I’m going to need a new DVR just for Thursday nights, damn it!  Some of the questions not yet answered are listed below, just in case you forgot details from last season, which ended approximately 4,815,162,342 short months ago.

  • Question 1: Why do I watch this show?
  • Question 2: No really, will you please tell me why I put myself through such things?
  • Question 3: Will Hurley finally lose some of that weight after being stranded on an island for so long?  I mean come on, at least the Skipper on Gilligan’s Island started dropping some weight after a few seasons.  Granted, in real life he was dying of AIDS at the time… I kid, I kid.  It was herpes.
  • Question 4:Will they kill off the latest real-life DUI character Jin-Soo Kwon?  When asked, the star was quoted as saying, “Whatever sugar tits” as he flipped off the camera.

Speaking of JJ Abrams, check out the latest on the Cloverfield pre-story by clicking here (password: jllovesth).  Not sure if you watched the first four videos yet, but interesting stuff if you can sit through the soap opera bullshit.  Watch the latest video and come back.  I’ll wait.  So, just do what your man says and freeze that shit girl!  Well, the way it’s looking, maybe she ends up being the monster after getting infected with the substance her man sent her and she refuses to freeze.  Why will it take almost a month for her to be infected?  Simple — she didn’t go ape shit until her first period hit.  “Look out, a giant menstruating woman who just had her boyfriend break up with her… RUN!!!!”

Great marketing scheme guys.  Why didn’t someone think of doing this pre-movie storyline crap before?  Oh, that’s right, no Internet.  The Internet is crawling with official subplots for the coming movie.  All kinds of Lost like company websites and stuff.  As the story goes, it looks like a Japanese company has been out in the Atlantic searching some deep sea crevasses and uncovered the monster/animal.  Or are they creating it through genetic research?  Regardless, it doesn’t get to the New York shores until 1-18-08.  I’m sure it was Greenpeace trying to just “save” the poor “innocent” creature or something.  They shutdown the power to the containment grid (just like in Ghostbusters, right?) and BAM, here comes trouble.  Yes it’s true Mr. Mayor, this man has no dick. 

Wait, screw that.  It’s not a giant mutated menstruating pissed off woman.  I did hear that the beast attempts to run ashore in Jersey, but the smell was unbearable and she decided to move North a bit (you and eight million New Yorkers my friend). 

So, here’s the story… The Japanese offshore oil drilling team searching for oil uncovered a large pocket below the sea floor.  The creature lives in oil, or on oil.  Prehistoric beast, millions of years old.  That would explain the oil tanker getting taken out on the way into Manhattan.  Wait, maybe it needs oil to survive and once the drill team depleted his cavern of his supply he decided to go find some more.  Holy shit, the U.S. Strategic Petroleum Reserves in New Orleans.  This monster is after our 700 million barrels of oil reserves.  It just wants a place to sleep.  Call in the big guns… get me Dick Cheney on line one, now! 

Cloverfield: Preview II

Still not sure what this sucker is, and even with the Internets vast knowledge and accurate news reporting, I still can’t tell.  Just another reason to hate J.J. Abrams my friend.  If you screw up Star Trek J.J., so help me God, I will dedicate my life to tracking you down and giving you a very forceful and stern talking to. 

My guess about what this creature is, besides it being the dudes from the Rampage video game (the safe bet), is that it’s just some massive sea creature living deep in the ocean beyond our scientific reach and he’s just coming up for his every 10,000 year morning shit.  To his dismay, someone has built a damn city in the middle of his bathroom.  Sounds about right.  Do you have any idea how mad I’d be if I woke up tomorrow morning and a f**king city was built in the middle of my bathroom?  And to make things worse, the Yankees played there.  Exactly… pissed.  the f**k.  off.

Besides, where’s Mayor Rudy Giuliani when you need him?  He’d dispatch this douche bag like it was a homeless person holding a squeegee.  Hell yeah!!!!  It’s funny cause it’s true.  Enjoy…

Cloverfield Spoiler Alert!

As most of you HDW geeks are aware, J.J. Abrams—aka, the dude all Lost fans wish would hang out with any one of OJ Simpson’s ex-wives more—has a new movie coming out on 1-18-08, and it looks rather promising.  The codename for the movie is Cloverfield and the trailer ran before the Transformers movie.  For those that are too busy with loved ones, here it is. 

There’s much speculation as to what the “monster” in the movie will be.  Is it the American Godzilla?  Is it Godzilla?  Voltron maybe?  A genetically altered giant Hillary Clinton monster?  Just kidding ladies.  Some of the more legitimate rumors have it possibly being Cthulhu, a mythical beast created 100 years ago by science fiction author H.P. Lovecraft.

Not Hillary Clinton

Scary, huh?  However, the Cthulhu theory is not true.  HDW has the inside scoop on the details of the monsters in the movie.  That’s right, you read that correctly, there’s more than one of them.  In fact, it’s a total of three monsters terrorizing New York City in the movie. 

SPOILER ALERT: If you don’t want to ruin the surprise then don’t click here, and if you do want to ruin the surprise then click here.

[Editor’s Note: You see, your High School English teacher was right about how confusing it gets in a sentence when you mix a words affirmative and negative meaning.  Suckers!!!!]