Category Archives: General
Everything I can’t figure out a category for.
Wow! I’m at a loss for words. Okay, just kidding. You know me, blah, blah, blah! What a great way to start a Friday morning. I awoke to the news that I had won the “Hot Blogger Contest”. I guess it’s true what they say, good guys do finish last. I should go into the “I’d like to thank the academy” speech, but I’m not quite sure if that’s appropriate here. But I would like to thank all the little people. Without the midget demographic squarely in my corner, I wouldn’t have stood a chance.
Being “crowned” the Hot Blogger Champion like this, at least now I finally know how W felt after the 2000 election. Thank you to the supreme court of beautiful ladies for handing me this great honor. I will hold the title with great respect and very rarely get arrested in a hotel room with an eightball, my midget gimp, and three hookers. If I do get arrested, I’ll be sure when the news cameras are on me during my perp walk to cover my face using my new 2007 HBB Championship hoodie.
Just to let you know, I haven’t won anything since 8th grade when Kilmore, my level 36 ranger, defeated that tricky wizard, Billy from home room. So, needless to say, this comes as a big surprise. The Ladies did forget one little thing though; they forgot to ask me the obligatory after a championship question. “HDW, you just won the Hot Blogger Bracket Contest, what are you going to do now?” To which I will point both hands to the heavens and exclaim, “F**k Disney Land, I’m going to The Gold Club, Pacman Jones style!!!! Now, where’s my wad of ones?”
There are so many people to thank. I definitely need to thank my dad for really laying it to my mom good on that cold and bitter night 35 years, 8 months, and 22 days ago. They were on their way back from a romantic dinner at Red Lobster (come on, it was shrimp fest month guys!) when the station wagon broke down. So, they did what any middle class hard working Christian people would do back in the 70’s; they had unprotected sex and made a baby. Good job dad, great job mom! I still love Shrimp Fest month to this day.
I do agree with Digital Headbutt that I had reason to be concerned all along about facing him in my conference. Our conference vote totals weren’t even close to that of the other conferences so I knew that match-up was probably the end of the line for me, and it should be treated as my championship game. Mr. White appeared to have a loyal fan base, every station at the UNC computer lab ready for action, and the Tar Heels baseball team pulling miracles out of every orifice known to man, so I had reason for concern. Good luck to your boys in the College World Series this weekend. Go ‘Heels! By the way, great job slaying all those number ones and number twos for me dude. Wait, I think that came out wrong????
I would like to thank the 2001 New England Patriots for teaching me that dreams do come true and that grown men can wear hoodies (color: gray, size: 4XL for my hoodie by the way). Thank you Tom Brady for showing me that sowing the seeds of love with every super model you meet was not just a great article in Hustler. Porn movie scenarios can come true. You’ve given me that sparkle of hope that every time I go into the bank that me and three of the tellers may actually end up bumping uglies in the bank vault simply by me lifting one eyebrow and smoothly explaining how I’d like to make a large deposit.
I would also like to dedicate this trophy to the 1986 Red Sox. It was the first team to make me cry like a bitch, and the first time my dad called me a little f**king baby. He looked over at me as I was wiping my noses and said, “Son, when you’ve rooted for this team and had your balls stomped in for over four decades, then you can cry like a little f**king baby. Until then, shut up and get me a beer!” I became a man that day. Of course, Buckner will get two copies of the trophy… his and Roger Clemens. F**king traitor!!!!
I do love the “love spread” that was setup for the “crowning” of the champion with my photo in the middle (great spatial design skills Starter Wife). I did notice one thing. I had no idea one of the greatest TV shows of all-time—Magnum P.I.—had a brand of condoms! Now that I know about this, I’m going to grow out my porn star ‘stache again, put on my favorite Hawaiian shirt, and make some black guy fly me around in a helicopter. Now, where’s that asshole Higgins?
All kidding aside, I’d like to bore you all for two minutes and present a real thank you list. I would like to thank the HDW friends and family network that voted for me and put up with my constant emailing and vote begging. Even thanks to the ones who replied “Take me off of your distribution list you loser!” I’d like to thank all my male friends for only making fun of that “gay ass” photo of mine behind my back. Just to let you know, that “gay ass” photo has some meaning, assholes! [HDW sobbing and slightly weaping at his keyboard] So remember that when you find it hidden in your wife’s panty drawer next to her ‘rabbit.
I’d like to thank my other half (The Wearer of the Pants in HDW land) for rallying the troops on her side of the aisle and getting me many, many votes. She also began the email campaign that everyone grew to “love”. I shall reward you tonight… twice. I’d like to thank Reagan—my beautiful dog and the HDW mascot—who ate an entire chicken carcass Sunday night and prevented me from trying to garner anymore much needed votes that evening. That emergency put it all into perspective (call me a p*ssy for that and I’ll punch you in the throat). Thanks to the two friends that same night who noticed I was losing by ten votes at midnight without knowing I was out of commission and took it upon themselves to help. Good job Q-the-Impaler and Dave FF Guru (aka, McDive the Welcome to the Suck of Fantasy Football).
Never in a million years would I imagine you’d want to do this again, but if you did I’d join in a heart beat. Good times. So, since this is it, I guess that makes me life-long champ???… just kidding. Seriously, thanks a million for the “award” and for all the hard work everyone on the Ladies side put in. They quite literally worked their asses off on this one and deserve a much bigger award than me, so whoever is in charge of “thanking” them in their lives, make it a double for me tonight, they deserve it. Again, much love to the beautiful ladies of Ladies dot dot dot. I can’t wait to see what y’all have up your sleeves next (just kidding about the hoodie size, make it a large).
Oh, and one last thing, to the other guys that “lost”… EAT IT BITCHES!!!!!!
UPDATE (20Jun2007): Voting on the Ladies… blog has been suspended (temporarily or permanently, not sure which) due to some malicious and nefarious acts perpetrated by some “unknown” person(s). Either way, I will not be wasting your time anymore with this. I would like to say thanks to all of you who had some fun and tried to support me and the Ladies…, who by the way spent an ass load of their valuable time organizing this event. The Internet has proven once again that it is ruled by little boys with a free-time to getting-laid ratio of 5,000,000 to 1. Way to go little boys. Now go find a cat to kill or grandmother to mug you small minded little pieces of shit.
First off, I would like to congratulate the Spurs for ending the NBA Finals as quickly as mathematically possible and shortening the pain that is today’s professional basketball game. Now, on with the important news of the day.
By now, I’m sure you’ve all heard about the “Ladies… Hot Blogger Bracket” contest I’m in. If you tell me you haven’t heard about it yet then you’re still auto-deleting my emails. STOP IT MOM!!! I don’t know how I made it to the third round; but by the grace of God, ten hours working on my photo with my mad Photoshop skills, and one Gaytor rant too many (shiteatinggator really is one word, ask Wag), I’m there. Click here to vote for me.
Remember gang — vote early, vote often. Oh, and if you’re over the age of fifteen and are still pronouncing the silent ‘t’ in the word often then don’t bother voting. You’ll probably just accidentally vote for the other guy, South Florida style.
This round I’m up against one of those “northerners” y’all have heard so much about. You know, the same ones who killed your Great-great-great-great-great Grand Pappy. You know, the ones who built your car. You know, that same car that left you on the side of the road last year. Remember, it was raining wasn’t it? Yep, that same car that got you that DUI a couple months ago. You know the car I’m talking about. The one that takes about $50 a week in beer money to fill up now. The one that spilled hot coffee all over your schlong that time you rear-ended that f**king old lady who just had to stop for that school bus. Note to self: Do not google words such as schlong at work to check for proper spelling and/or usage. Yeah, you know which car I’m talking about… that one (click here to vote for me again).
And remember gang, you can vote as many times as you want. When I say vote early, vote often, that doesn’t mean just sitting there renewing your IP address all weekend. Please, don’t just dial it in half-ass like that. By voting often I mean voting at work on your machine, and then when your cube neighbor goes to take the after lunch “lunch break” by dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl, vote on their machines too. While you’re there at their computer, send your boss an email telling him he’s a dick. If your neighbor and boss are both dudes, make sure the email from your co-worker tells the boss how long he’s been wanting to tell him he’s in love with him. Oh, and how his “benefits package” looks really good in those pants.
Go visit Grandma and vote there, unless of course she doesn’t have an Internet connection or is dead like my gammy. If she’s in a home then be sure to offer all them Seasoned Citizens protection against the Robots for their votes. Those old people really are afraid of robots. Tell the old women how I look like a cross between a young Ronald Reagan and a thin Marlon Brando. The On the Waster Front Brando, not The Island of Dr Moreau Brando.
Go to the library and vote on every machine. Maybe have one of the many “housing challenged” (aka, outdoorsmen)—that are always hanging out at the library—to vote for me. <vedder>Looking through the paper, though he doesn’t know to read!!!!</vedder> Offer them food, wine, and even your undying love if that’s what it takes. Tell them their dad really is proud of them, that always motivates me.
If you have little crumb-crunching snot-nosed kids in school and they’re not in a school on the side of town without the Internet (*sigh*), then send them to school to vote for me. If your kid is sleeping with their teacher then have them blackmail them into voting for me too.
One of my University of Michigan friends just informed me that he had trouble voting for me last round against Ghosts and that now—since he’s a huge fan of the BGOBLOG—that he’s playing the part of the Swiss and not voting at all. The Swiss? The same people that gave us that gay little red knife and maybe some stolen Nazi gold? Those are the people you want to emulate? What, the French weren’t available? Yeah, vote like the French… click here and RUUUUNNNNN!!!!!! Remember the old saying — I’d rather have a German tank division in front of me, then a French regiment behind me.
Come on guys, let’s get creative. Do you think JFK would have been elected without creative voting? Let’s think outside the box on this one. I mean Jesus, just about every friend I have is a web developer or in IT and we can’t figure out how to cheat this system, Diebold style? I refuse to sit at home ALL weekend releasing my IP Address when I could be releasing my brain cells at a bar instead. So, please, vote for me more than once. I’m not asking for your vote, I’m asking for your votes. Anything less than ten votes from any of you and I’m referring you and your dog to the new Michael Vick Pet Sitting Service. If not for me, do it for the puppies.
Oh, one more thing… vote for me here.
I was informed that some have been receiving more spam than usual (instead of 765 a day they’re now getting 843) and they’re concerned it may be coming from comments left on HDW. I can tell you I’m not selling your email addresses to spammers anymore, but I’m not sure about WordPress. I’m not sure if this spam is coming from HDW and it may have something to do with people downloading too much porn while drunk on a Saturday night or maybe that interactive male website they just signed up for. Who knows.
Point being, try to leave comments using a bogus email address if possible. Personally, I use an old email address for such things. That sucker gets about 10,000 spams a day, mostly from concerned citizens wanting to increase the size of my “junk” by three inches. Now what on Earth would a woman of mine do with four whole inches!?!?!
Sorry again if this spam thing is coming from HDW and/or WordPress. Damn Internet!!!!!
… we get the opportunity to enjoy all those other holidays throughout the year because of these guys.
All gave some and some gave all.
None of us really know how to say thank you enough for the ultimate sacrifice that you’ve paid, but we try to every Memorial Day. Thank you again.
If this video doesn’t get you at least a little choked up or doesn’t move you by its end then you need to let me know so I can never speak to you again. Ever! Enjoy…
(Hat Tip: Teresa, aka blueraven)
That’s right; the world has a new animal to go ape shit over. Or should I say polar bear shit over? It’s Kunt, err, I mean Knut the cute little polar bear. Here’s a photo of her, well, her underbelly.
Some sicko pedobeastialityphile is getting his jollies right now because the Germans just don’t know when to say when. Is America allowing the Germans to do stuff again, like run zoos? That’s how it begins; first zoos, then Poland. Hitler is turning over in his mass grave right now. Thanks to this lovable little fuzz ball, the world should be distracted just long enough for ~800 people to starve to death under tyrannical rule. Not that we’re easily distracted, but when will…. hey look, a raccoon!