Category Archives: …And In The News

And In The News

Race War!  Race War!
The former Soviet Union (I refuse to call them Russia, those commie pinko faggots) has announced that it is “indeed in the lead to put a human on the moon Mars”.  Really former Soviet Union?  You’re going to put a human on Mars before the United States?  You know what, you’re probably right, and I would put money on that actually happening.  But, I’ll also put money on the United States putting a man on Mars and him actually returning to Earth alive first.  I would venture to say that the former Soviet Union already has quite a few “humans” on their way to Mars right now, and has been for 40 years or so.  Only when they launched, they called them Moon-landing missions back then. 

Police: Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks
Yes, the headline says it all, but apparently this has nothing to do with the police in DC finding out the already well known and common fact that every man has an asshole.  The story is actually about a man being arrested for “supposedly” hiding twenty or so little baggies of crack in his butt-hole.  I really want to make a lot of jokes about this story right now, but the guy in the mugshot looks like he’d kill me, so I’m leaving it alone.  I will say this about that, it’s probably the last place they looked, so it wasn’t a horrible hiding place, unless of course you were the crackhead who bought it.  Actually, I think there should be a rule that if you can ram it up your ass before the cops can wrestle it away from you, then you should be free and clear.  Assault weapons ban, yeah right — for all AR-15 assault rifles not shoved up your booty hole.   

Child Abuse Case?
A St. Augustine woman was arrest for what obviously should qualify her as Parent of the Year.  Check out why kids…

Investigators say a woman accused of drunk driving had a case of beer buckled up safely, and a one year old girl sitting in the backseat without a seat-belt or car seat.

When asked why the girl wasn’t restrained, Williams reportedly told the officer, “I don’t know.”

Come on po po, technically a woman that drunk was probably going to flip the car anyway.  And if that happened it was probably better for the beer to be safely seat-belted securely in position instead of ten pounds of glass missiles in the cabin of the vehicle during the rollover.  Just imagine, broken beer bottles flying everywhere, possibly hurting the child.  I do love the “I don’t know” excuse.  Well played mommy.  I personally would have went with the “Did she unbuckle herself and seat-belt the case of beer in again?” excuse.  To each their own. 

Besides, we all know a case of beer won’t fit in a child seat anyway, only maybe a 12-pack tops.  So, just do what my dad did when I was little — seat-belt me into the backseat holding the case of beer.  The seat-belt will fit nicely over both a small child and the case of beer.  Innovation, meet dad.

My Kind of Party (minus all the raping of course)

A woman who passed out at a party and woke up to the fact that she was raped, decided to call the police and report the incident.  Check out this party.   

A woman reported to police that a man sexually assaulted her early Sunday after she went to bed at a house where she attended a party.

The woman said she was invited to the party in the 3000 block of North Bell Avenue and took half a Xanax pill before she left. She drank two mixed drinks containing Everclear and orange juice, and a beer at the party, she said, and then took a few puffs from a “blunt” marijuana cigar.

She began to feel strange and believes someone might have put something in her drink, she said.

Half a zanny, two everclears (what is that, 150 proof?), a beer, and a couple hits off of a joint???  Sounds like a great party.  Lucky for her no one did slip her a date rape drug, ’cause she may have died of an overdose if they had.

To Catch a Dolphin

It’s Funny Cause It’s True

 A CBS sports television producer was arrested when he attempted to trade his Miami Dolphins tickets in exchange for sex with an 11-year-old girl.  The producer thought he was in a chat room with a father willing to sell his little daughter for the NFL tickets.  Turns out, the father was actually an undercover detective (thank God).  Really CBS employee?  You actually thought a father would do that… for Miami Dolphins tickets!?!?  The shitty Dolphins???  Really?  The same game that wasn’t even close to sold out and you could score tickets from a scalper for like $20?  Come on asshole!!!!

All kidding aside, if we’re all really good this week and we pray as much as possible, maybe, just maybe this guy will be thrown in a Broward County lock-up for a stretch while awaiting trial.  While there, maybe the guards will tip off a few of the bigger, blacker, hornier inmates about this sick f*cks charges.  Who knows, maybe his prison bitch will exchange sex with him for a pack of New Ports.  Nah, not New Ports, Kools maybe, but he’s certainly worth more than New Ports, right?  Either way, we can dare to dream.

I wish someone who opposes the death penalty would come to this site and explain to me how they can think these devils incarnate should still have their heads attached to their bodies after being found guilty of such crimes in a court of law.  Yes, give them due process, but then give them a fast track appeal and once they’re found guilty (and appealed), they’re executed.  Done.  No, it won’t stop all pedophiles, but it’ll stop some still alive and all that are dead.  I promise you that 100% of the pedophiles executed will never hurt another child again.  Ever! 

Please, I beg of you.  Come explain the reasoning of your opposition to the death penalty.  I need to know how you tick.  Someone who feels the need to stand outside of a prison and hold a sign with scripture and shed a tear while these animals are executed way too humanely for my tastes.  Animals like this John Couie who raped and buried Jessica Lunsford alive.  Please, bring the Bible, the US Constitution, the New York Times.  Anything to make me understand why you’re not a complete and utter stupid piece of shit. 

Then, I’ll explain to you why you should be sitting in the laps of these animals getting horsey rides while they’re in that electric chair.  God charges you with one important task above all others… protecting children.  I’m willing to chance my soul to hell for eternity to ensure these bastards never get a chance to get near my child or anyone else’s.  That’s called faith in God, and you should try it sometime you greedy selfish sanctimonious asshole.  Anyone?  Any takers?  Please!!!!

Second-hand Smokers Do Kill

Amputated Leg Found in Second-hand Smoker
The headline speaks for itself.  I didn’t bother reading the actual story because it sounds to be pretty damn grizzly according to the above headline.  Regardless, the best job in America has to be a headline writer at the local newspaper.  That, and making cigarettes.  After all, it’s for the children, right?

Smoke Away Little Buddy, Smoke Away!

The HDW Times Journal Post: Touch ’em All Report

Good For Nothing Newspapers

Several interesting smaller news stories have been building in my queue for over a month now and I need to get them cleared out, so let the purging begin.  I’ll just hit you will a monthly (heh-heh heh, he said monthly) or bi-monthly (heh-heh heh, he said bi) issue of The HolyDogWater Times Journal Post every now and again.  No reason to split them up into multiple posts, right?  It’s like several posts for the price of one.  Don’t ever say HDW doesn’t give you more bang for your buck than any other News Sports Entertainment Random Stupid Shit blog.  As always, enjoy.

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Patriot Act
The Pentagon was “tricked” into paying $998,798 to a defense contractor for services rendered, which included shipping two 19 cent washers into a combat zone.  The first thing I thought was, “Damn, where are they getting such a great deal on washing machines?”  Then the million dollar shipping cost really soured the deal for me and I read further to discover it was in fact a nut and bolt type washer.  You know, those things the size of a coin.  The shipping company—owned by two chicks—bilked more than $20 million out of the Pentagon and were finally caught during an audit.  Way to be good patriots there ladies.  Most of the cash will be recouped by the government when they auction off their many mansions and cars; minus the many vacations they took while men and women in the Armed Forces died fighting to ensure their freedom.

Thou Shalt Not Be An Asshole Driver
The Vatican has released The Ten Commandments of Driving and most of them seem reasonable.  The always familiar “Thou Shalt Not Kill” was included of course, along with not flipping off someone who cuts you off (yeah, right!).  I was fully expecting a couple political hot button issues to be used in this top ten list of the do’s and dont’s of the road.  Things like the following.

  • Thou Shalt Not Have an Abortion While Driving
  • Thou Shalt Not Wear a Condom While Driving
  • Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor’s Wife While Driving
  • Thou Shalt Not Show Off Your Amazing Rack While Driving

I was shocked to find none of these included in The Ten Commandments of Driving.  What I was shocked to find was the church’s utter disdain for truck drivers.  Check out this statement from Cardinal Renato Martino.

He noted that the Bible was full of people on the move, including Mary and Joseph, the parents of Jesus and that his office is tasked with dealing with all “itinerant” people on the roads from refugees to prostitutes, truck drivers, and the homeless.

From refugees to prostitutes, truck drivers, and the homeless?  One of those four things seem a little out of place.

Holy Cow, Did They Bury The Survivors?
A total of 28 cows were killed a few weeks ago when they “escaped” from a prison dairy farm.  Several of the cow’s deaths occurred when they wandered into traffic, while others were killed by passing trains.  Witnesses said the scene was just awful, with blood, cow shit, and milk everywhere.  Of course they had to track down an official to make the obligatory expert statement.

A report on the incident said the cows knocked down a fence held up by rotting posts.  But Sessa said he wasn’t sure what caused the breakout.

Really?  You have no idea what caused the cow prison break?  I’ll tell you what incited it in just two words… Cow! Vagina!  Having a tight USDA cow ass in a prison full of men doesn’t help either.  Oh, and that whole one giant titty with eight really long nipples that gives sweet delicious milk ain’t bad either.  I’m getting thirty just thinking about it and I’m not even in prison.

So, according to the expert, the cows actually planned the great escape, right?  I’m guessing the next thing you’re going to tell me is they refused to be taken alive.  Sounds like that show on Fox has some great new material and plot lines for this fall.

 

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All this news talk is making me sleepy.  I need some good ole fashioned American entertainment.  Hit it Messr. Jorge Lucas-o and James-o Earl-o Jones-o.

Say It Ain’t So!

And In Hippie News: A shocking report out of Margaritaville.  Next thing you know you’re going to tell me concert goers smoke weed at Dave Matthews Band concerts. 

Do what?!?!?!?!?!