Category Archives: Football

Black is Beautiful, Tan is Grand, White is the Color of the MLB Commissioner

Not a Black Guy!

It has been announced today that Major League Baseball is only .082% Asian.  When calculating management and coaching staff only, the Asian population in Major League Baseball is a paltry .00082%, which equates to 1/4 of a person — the assistant third base coach for the Dodgers, Chuck Johnson (his great grandmother lived in Hawaii as a teenager).

This travesty of justice must be corrected.  You only have to look at how well blacks are represented in professional baseball to understand why this wrong must be righted.  It was announced today that 8.2% of the MLB population is black, and with the total black population in America at around 12%, many feathers were ruffled.  The NAACP was quoted today as saying, “We want 4% more blacks represented in Major League Baseball, and we want it now!”  The federal government promised to tear down basketball courts everywhere and build baseball diamonds throughout the inner city immediately.

The study on diversity in baseball had this to say.

“Baseball has probably lost a whole generation here,” Lapchick said. “African-Americans just aren’t playing it at this point. They’re going to have to increase their efforts.”

Wait, “they” are going to have to increase “their” efforts?  Who is “they,” baseball or black kids?

Once again, the study failed to address the even less represented Asians in baseball.  The commissioner of baseball was quick to try and reclassify David Ortiz as three black guys, but the citizens of Boston immediately began to riot when they heard the news that they would have to root for a black guy as their number one sports hero.  So, the commissioner of baseball did the only other thing he knew to do — he called the commissioner of football to see if they could spare any black athletes for the cause.  A MLB representative was asked if they had a message for the NFL, to which he replied “Yes!  Come on guys, the NFL is 82% black…. stop hogging all the good athletes!”

An NFL official, who requested annonimity on the grounds he was a white guy, was quoted as saying “If we [NFL] gave up any black athletes to them [MLB] it would drop us below our required 80% quota, and that is completely unacceptable.”  The commisoner of the NBA hung up almost immediately and refused to comment on their quota requirements, except to say, “Listen, we have a 4.0% white player rate in the NBA which we’re proud of, and with Dirk out with a knee injury we’re down to 3%, so please leave us alone.”

[Editor’s Note: After exstensively searching ESPN’s website, we couldn’t find one article referencing the racist issue of such a low white player ratio in the NBA, and even lower Asian rate.  The fact that not one Jew is playing in the NBA has raised some eyebrows with many, but not ESPN.  They’re way too busy trying to count how many “blacks” play in Major League Baseball and how to classify African-Caribbean-Americans.  You stay classy ESPN, you stay classy.]

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31 NFL Teams All Rejoice At The Same Time

[Editor’s Note: Updated to ensure that Dr. Powell has a good “happy ending” later tonight.

All the 31 other teams can rejoice… and finally!!!!  Good job NFL.  Good job newspapers and media.  Good job referees.  Every one’s favorite team can be happy once again.  Your teams legacy is intact.  Praise Jesus, rejoice and sing to the heavens.  The Steelers and 49ers and Packers and Miami can breath a sigh of relief.  I hope another random team can win next year, so all the powers that be can be happy.  Please make it so Roger.  Thank God the U.S. Senate can now maybe focus on much less pressing issues, like 1.5 million living babies being sucked out of women’s wombs every year.  Just kidding, I don’t give a shit if you kill your baby.  Just one less Steelers fan to deal with at the game in 20 years or so. 

 So, let’s just get back to worrying about cheating in the NFL, and more specifically, those evil cheating Patriots and Belichick.  Now that the Pats have lost, everyone should be focused on finding out if Tom Coffin is cheating.  Did he and the Giants video tape the Patriots sideline calls?  I have the feeling they did and I would like a complete investigation by the U.S. Senate as soon as possible, thank you very much.  Everyone from the NFL to the King of England to the U.S. Department of Football should be on this.  What?  The government doesn’t have a department of football?  The little people lose again.  Where’s Arlen Spector when you need him folks? 

 Oh, and like every year, fuck kiss Peyton Manning, fuck kiss that goofy smooth bastard friendly retarded intelligent little brother of his Eli Manning, and fuck kiss the Giants fans who wanted their coach fired and their QB traded in the third game of the season, only at the last minute to jump back on their team’s bandwagon.  You worthless useful assholes gentlemen deserve nothing everything and should be ashamed proud of pretending you cared halfway through the season. 

Sad Happy and pathetic touching, especially all you fans of the 30 other teams who just root against a team to make your pathetic touching teams look and feel better.  Time to move on to loving the Yankees you bandwagon faggots heterosexuals.  See your Hatriots asses next season, you crybaby bitches good friends. 

Hatriots Fan (R-PA)

For the past couple of weeks we’ve all had the displeasure of listening to all the sports talk commentary concerning today’s Super Bowl game.  We’ve been getting the usual comments from the usual talking heads that range from the strange — “The Giants can win,” to the absurd — “The Giants will win and blow out the Patriots.”  Of course, either of the two teams can win this game, and I’m not going to even attempt to speculate its outcome. 

Yes, I know speculative statements are to be expected from the media.  That’s all they know how to do.  No real mathematical or analytical analysis, just bullshit and more bullshit in between all the garbage someone is trying to sell you during the commercial breaks.  After all, the media’s job is to sell the game as if it’s going to be a close and exciting event, hoping to entice you to watch, even if they expect a blowout.  Nothing wrong with that, but it does get old fast.  Sportscasters even do it during the game, and in every sport.  How many of us have been watching a baseball game in the bottom of the ninth, home team is up by four, two on, two outs, and the announcer gleefully proclaims, “the tying run is on-deck.”  Really?  Shut the f**k up asshole!!!!     

Worse even, not just sports commentators submit their worthless two cents worth when it’s one of the big games just around the corner.  But, after a few weeks of listening to non-professional commentators give us their football opinion, it’s really starts to get tough to turn on the TV, radio, or even read the church bulletin.  No, Jesus doesn’t care who wins reverend, so stick with the immaculate conception, not the immaculate reception.  For those of you in Gainesville reading that line and thinking, “Ohhhh, immaculate conception… that’s where it came from,” you’re welcome.    

Well, now the opinions on this game and football in general are getting out of control.  Listen here, if you’re a U.S. Senator and you haven’t yet figured out how to make my Social Security solvent by 2030 or solved the illegal immigration problem, please shut your f**king fat mouth and sit down.  You know who you are Senator, you old worthless piece of politician.  By the way Senator, if you didn’t know, the National Football League is a private corporation.  Also, you are a lawmaker.  You are in the legislative branch of government, not the executive, and thank God, not the judicial.  SHUT UP!!! 

Your job is to take vacations and figure out new inefficient ways to take our hard earned money and redistribute it to the idiots, not to harass private corporations that are not breaking the law.  You do it oh so well, so stick with what you know… and that’s not football.  So, until a corporation breaks the ridiculous laws and regulations you sit in your glass house and create, you just keep filling your bank account and those adult diapers and keep your laws off this countries past time.  Besides, we all know this isn’t about you being concerned with the sanctity of the game but rather you just trying to protect your precious Steelers record of five Super Bowl wins and Bradshaw’s four Super Bowl rings.  Sad and pathetic, you Hatriot fan.  Just like every other Senator I suppose. 

Okay, just kidding about not speculating… Patriots 48 – Giants 14 – Arlen Spector 0.

Jonesin

Where ever this young man Julio Jones decides to go to for college (we’ll know this Wednesday on national signing day), its football program will be greatly improved because of him.  Here’s to hoping, no praying, he ends up a Seminole.  Come on Bobby Bowden, work that country magic on his momma.  If we don’t get him, please Lord let him go easy on us if and when we have to play against him. 

Be sure to watch the last part where they outline the missed tackles he creates in the open.  Simply amazing. 

Blue-Green Bay

I was checking out the temperature for this Sundays NFC Championship game (also known as this years loser’s bracket) and it appears the high for the day will be 6.  No, that doesn’t mean that the high will occur at 6, that means the high will be 6.  That’s right, it’ll be a balmy 6 degrees around kick-off for the game against the Giants and by the time the sun goes down around 4:30, it’ll be well below zero, with a wind-chill factor of about 20 below zero.  At that temperature, the state of Florida would freeze, start to uncontrollably shiver, and eventually break-off from the continental United States, drifting into Cuba.  The irony. 

My favorite part of the forecast?  It has got to be the cute little smiling sun icon below.  He’s just smiling from ear to ear, as if anyone not watching the game in a Tonton has the ability to still control any facial muscles.  If the conditions worsen on Sunday (and by worsen, I mean the sun converts to a black hole, absorbing all light and heat from our solar system), we may be looking at the forecast and the score being just about the same — Packers 6, Giants 3

HDW Time-After-Time Machine Prediction: Green Bay 24, Giants 17 

Niiiiice!

Jaguars 2008 Schedule

Go Jags!

Attention all Jaguars fans….

I was looking for the official schedule for next year and I don’t believe the actual dates and times of each game is out yet, but we already know for sure which teams we’ll be playing except two of them (see chart below).  The NFL saves those last two flex games for creating good match ups, depending on the previous season.  With that said, the Jags will be playing their “flex” home game against the AFC East next year.  So, who do you think that will be?  Since we’re playing the Bills and Dolphins at home in 2009 that leaves the Jets and, wait for it… THE PATRIOTS!!!! 

My money is on a Jags v Pats Monday night or Sunday night game.  Oh, it’s going to be on like Donkey Kong.  Chances are the Jags may have another chance at beating that undefeated team again, although the Pats may have lost a game by late next season since the NFL has created the “Patriots Rule”, requiring them to play with only ten players and with no helmets or padding.

The Steelers should be the other night prime-time home game.  Maybe even Green Bay if they make it to the Super Bowl.  The AFC West away game has to be the Chargers I would imagine and may even be a prime-time game too.

As a side note, we play (beat) the Detroit Lions away, meaning a small chance we play them on the Thanksgiving day game.  If it’s not the Turkey Day game, Dave already said he’s inviting everyone over for a big party.  Thanks in advance Dave (I like Grey Goose and Cam requires a kosher meal).

Speaking of Cam, let Gomer know the Browns are getting beat next year here, so he should come to the game with us.  I’m already working on my “Dropping the Browns off at the pool” and “Brown’s the color of pooh” chants.  Everyone should wear a Michael Vick jersey to remind the “dog pound Browns” who’s boss.

I put our guaranteed wins in red and losses in green just for fun.  Regardless, the Jags schedule looks promising.  David Garrard to Chad Johnson all year (yes, the Jags are signing ocho cinco in the off season).  I smell home playoff game.  Maybe even a bye.  Hurry up and get here next season, damn!!!!

2006
2007
2008
2009
Home
Away
Home
Away
Home
Away
Home
Away
NE
BUF
OAK
DEN
CLE
BAL
BUF
NE
NYJ
MIA
SD
KC
PIT
CIN
MIA
NYJ
DAL
PHL
ATL
NO
GB
CHI
ARZ
SF
NYG
WAS
CAR
TB
MIN
DET
STL
SEA
AFCN
AFCW
AFCE
AFCN
AFCE
AFCW
AFCW
AFCN

The Alternative with Jay Mohr

Like sports?  Like to laugh?  Click here to view the many “webisodes” (that’s dumb ass Internet speak for web episodes) with Jay Mohr making fun of sports figures (my favorite subject) and talking sports in general.  Very funny well written stuff.  Be sure to search for and watch all the “webisodes” if you get bored.  Don’t watch at work though, ’cause that’s worky worky time. 

Peyton Manning Goes Fishing

 www.Action-Squad.com
Colts Lose!  Colts Lose!  Colts Lose!!!!!!!  All is right in the Universe. 
  • F*ck you Colts organization!  You get a free pass in the media and karma has once again shit on you like you deserve, and not in a good way, like when your daddy sneaks into your bedroom at 3 AM and does that to you in your trailer. 
  • F*ck you Colts fans!  I’ve never seen so many old ugly fat fans in the stands of a professional sporting event.  It looks like a weight watchers convention got double booked during the 10th annual butter-face convention in that circus tent you call a stadium.  Subway’s Jerrod just called, he wants his fat ass belly back.  
  • F*ck you Peyton Manning!  You are the most over-rated sports personality since, well, uh… since no one I guess, you’re it.  You are the entire list.  If I have to see one more commercial featuring you not giving advice on how you “deal” with your AIDS, I’ll go completely ape shit.  Quite “selling” (and by selling I mean whoring) yourself out like that $5 hand job hooker in Daytona Beach during spring break.  Yes, we’ll still have to see your ugly long horse face during the commercial breaks of the AFC Championship game and the Super Bowl, but not during the game folks!  For this, I thank you Jesus.

Michael Vick’s New Cell Mate Found

Goes by the name “Sacked for a Loss” or “Concussion” and loves playing catch.  What are the odds?

Holy Shit Balls!

The one on the right people!!!

Gator Tough: Are You Smarter Than A Dolphin/Gator?

Gay Goters!

 Ex-University of Florida Gator and current Miami Dolphin Channing Crowder announced today that he just found out they speak English… in f**king England!!!  He was surprised to find out that he won’t need a translator to converse with the citizens of London this week when he’s over there playing in the first NFL regular season game ever played at the Home Office.  Do I have any quotes?  Oh yeah, this is going to be good.

I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.

Really?  I can see the confusion considering they don’t call the country English, right?  I mean, how f**king confusing!  Asshole Brits!  I’m not quite sure what Crowder’s major or GPA was at UF, but I can say this—he graduated!  With a college degree!  Oh, he also thinks England is the land of only white people.

I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”  

Once again, great moments in public (government) education.  Go Gators???