Category Archives: Mensa Members Unite

And In The News

Race War!  Race War!
The former Soviet Union (I refuse to call them Russia, those commie pinko faggots) has announced that it is “indeed in the lead to put a human on the moon Mars”.  Really former Soviet Union?  You’re going to put a human on Mars before the United States?  You know what, you’re probably right, and I would put money on that actually happening.  But, I’ll also put money on the United States putting a man on Mars and him actually returning to Earth alive first.  I would venture to say that the former Soviet Union already has quite a few “humans” on their way to Mars right now, and has been for 40 years or so.  Only when they launched, they called them Moon-landing missions back then. 

Police: Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks
Yes, the headline says it all, but apparently this has nothing to do with the police in DC finding out the already well known and common fact that every man has an asshole.  The story is actually about a man being arrested for “supposedly” hiding twenty or so little baggies of crack in his butt-hole.  I really want to make a lot of jokes about this story right now, but the guy in the mugshot looks like he’d kill me, so I’m leaving it alone.  I will say this about that, it’s probably the last place they looked, so it wasn’t a horrible hiding place, unless of course you were the crackhead who bought it.  Actually, I think there should be a rule that if you can ram it up your ass before the cops can wrestle it away from you, then you should be free and clear.  Assault weapons ban, yeah right — for all AR-15 assault rifles not shoved up your booty hole.   

Child Abuse Case?
A St. Augustine woman was arrest for what obviously should qualify her as Parent of the Year.  Check out why kids…

Investigators say a woman accused of drunk driving had a case of beer buckled up safely, and a one year old girl sitting in the backseat without a seat-belt or car seat.

When asked why the girl wasn’t restrained, Williams reportedly told the officer, “I don’t know.”

Come on po po, technically a woman that drunk was probably going to flip the car anyway.  And if that happened it was probably better for the beer to be safely seat-belted securely in position instead of ten pounds of glass missiles in the cabin of the vehicle during the rollover.  Just imagine, broken beer bottles flying everywhere, possibly hurting the child.  I do love the “I don’t know” excuse.  Well played mommy.  I personally would have went with the “Did she unbuckle herself and seat-belt the case of beer in again?” excuse.  To each their own. 

Besides, we all know a case of beer won’t fit in a child seat anyway, only maybe a 12-pack tops.  So, just do what my dad did when I was little — seat-belt me into the backseat holding the case of beer.  The seat-belt will fit nicely over both a small child and the case of beer.  Innovation, meet dad.

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Gator Tough: Are You Smarter Than A Dolphin/Gator?

Gay Goters!

 Ex-University of Florida Gator and current Miami Dolphin Channing Crowder announced today that he just found out they speak English… in f**king England!!!  He was surprised to find out that he won’t need a translator to converse with the citizens of London this week when he’s over there playing in the first NFL regular season game ever played at the Home Office.  Do I have any quotes?  Oh yeah, this is going to be good.

I couldn’t find London on a map if they didn’t have the names of the countries,” Crowder said. “I swear to God. I don’t know what nothing is. I know Italy looks like a boot. I learned that.

Really?  I can see the confusion considering they don’t call the country English, right?  I mean, how f**king confusing!  Asshole Brits!  I’m not quite sure what Crowder’s major or GPA was at UF, but I can say this—he graduated!  With a college degree!  Oh, he also thinks England is the land of only white people.

I know (Washington Redskins linebacker) London Fletcher. We did a football camp together. So I know him. That’s the closest thing I know to London. He’s black, so I’m sure he’s not from London. I’m sure that’s a coincidental name.”  

Once again, great moments in public (government) education.  Go Gators??? 

Marketing Geniuses Unite!

Run Forrest, Run!!!!!

I can’t find the YouTube version of this video, so you’re just going to have to follow this link.  Make sure you keep your eyes on the sideline towards the end of the Vikings run into the end zone.  Trust me, someone in the Dallas Cowboys front office is either a latent racist, a complete and utter idiot, or maybe even both.  Nothing like scaring the hell out of a bunch of black NFL players by placing the Young Klan Kids of Greater Dallas Fort Worth on the sidelines.  What, you couldn’t find any nooses to hang from the goal posts Dallas?  The Cowboys halftime show for next week?  You got it — Civil War re-enactment.  Let me guess?  The South didn’t lose that war, it’s just halftime, right?  You stay classy Dallas; you stay classy.

Speaking of racist, I just found out today that in 1923, in the case of UNITED STATES v. BHAGAT SINGH THIND, that the Supreme Court of the U.S. argued and declared that Indians (re: people from the country of India) are not of the Caucasian persuasion (i.e., white).  I’m sorry, the answer we were looking for was not white.  Not white.  The correct answer was not white.  Thank you for playing though.  Who knew, right?  Anyway, I found it rather interesting that the highest court of the land was debating such an issue in the first place.  Here’s the nut of the case.

Is a high-caste Hindu, of full Indian blood, born at Amritsar, Punjab, India, a white person within the meaning of section 2169, Revised Statutes?

Remember the best part about this whole case kids — in the supreme court, someone has to write a dissenting view point on all rulings (if at least one justice in the minority existed), counter arguing that Indians are indeed white, Aryan, honkies, or cracka ass crackas if you will.  Now there’s a writing assignment for your ass! 

Which reminded me, I’ve always thought (joked) about how England, Russia, and Germany—for centuries—have been part of a super secret organization in charge of voting new races into their little white race club.  I’m of Irish decent and I think we got voted “onto the island” as they call it, around the turn of the century.  Yay!  It’s beyond me how they got that by them.  At any rate, this was just after they voted to let the Italians in and right before they voted in several of the old Soviet satellite nations (e.g., Czech Republic, Poland).  I had no idea this process actually took place and certainly had no idea it was something in the realm of responsibility of the U.S. high court system.  I guess my good friend in High School was right — you white people be Crazy!

Dental (Damn!)

A dentist is fighting for his right to practice medicine in the Peoples Republic of California because apparently it’s not okay anymore to fondle your patients while working on their teeth (oh, the good ole days).  The issue doesn’t seem too chronic of a problem since only 27 women have come forward so far.  The “doctor” insists he’s doing it to treat patients with TMJ, a disorder affectionately referred to by us pleebs as Lock Jaw.  Well, now that makes more sense and seems like a very valid defense.  Of course he wanted to cure the female patients of lock jaw.  How else was he going to safely attempt to stick his joey in their mouths while they were knocked out.  Here’s where the story gets good.

Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Phillips gave Lew three new complaints, including one from a 31-year-old woman who said Anderson fondled her at least six times over two years.

She took to wearing tight shirts with high necklines, “and Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra,” according to a police report.

Six times!!!!  Did I read that correctly?  Six f**king times in two f**king years?  First off, how many people have to go to the dentist three times a year besides maybe the British or a straight up masochist anyway?  I don’t know about her, but I draw the line at being fondled by a dentist at five times.  Also, the lady tried to prevent further “Tune in Tokyo” sessions by wearing tighter shirts?  Really?  Tighter?  Ah yes, I too remember when I tried to prevent that camp councilor from touching me inappropriately by wearing that banana hammock to swim class.  Remember ladies, wearing tighter shirts just makes us want to massage them sweater puppies even more.  You might as well of shown up to the office visit in a wet white tube top for Christ’s sake! 

So, as a public service announcement and in accordance with the judges parole requirements, I will now give you a list of warning signs that you are going to the wrong dentist.

  • The name of the office is Doctor Johnson’s Painless Dentistry, Adult Toys, and Massage Parlor
  • The dentist asks you to put your legs up in the stirrups on the chair before putting you under
  • Before the check up, he asks you if you’d like a nice glass of Pinot Grisio
  • Playing on the radio the whole time you’re waiting in the lobby… Al Green and Barry White
  • Also in the lobby—for your viewing pleasure—the latest issue of Knocked Up and Milky
  • He insists that you put on a hospital gown… backwards
  • As you’re coming out of being under general anaesthetic, you swear he was smoking a cigarette
  • His dental assistant is a midget and is wearing a black leather gimp mask
  • His diploma on the wall says he graduated for the University of Florida (okay, just kidding.  damn gators!)
  • And last by not least, the number one warning sign that you are going to the wrong dentist is… There are signs all over the office declaring that he’s a HMO

Thank you, thank you.  Be sure to tip the wait staff.     

Titanic Idiots!

Check out the marketing geniuses at this water slide company.  Nothing like your kids getting to go to little Billy’s birthday party and getting to play on a water slide humorously depicting 1,400 peoples horrible death.  What’s next guys, a Pearl Harbor slide depicting Jap Zero planes sinking US carriers?  Maybe a hurricane Katrina slide where you can slide down the levees?  Well, at least these dummies aren’t crazy enough to use more current tragic events for children to play on at birthday parties, right?  Don’t worry, I’m not even going there.  I know, it’s too soon, even if we are just trying to make someone look stupid.  But, knowing these idiots, it can’t be too far away.

Look Mom, No Air!!!!!

Have you ever wanted to re-enact horrible and tragic historical events of the past century?  Do you want to include your kids in the fun too?  Well, your wait is finally over.  Call today and we’ll throw in some really cool Hindenburg Zeppelin Helium balloons for you and the kids to crash.  Oh, the humanity… and fun!

Don’t Taze Me Bro!

About once a year (maybe twice a year if I’m livin’ right) some dumb ass pampered rich white college kid whose parents have sheltered him from reality his entire life gets Tasered.  This always—and I do mean always—brings a warm fuzzy feeling to my heart.  Every time this happens the routine is the same, the kid is the same, and the way too understanding cops are the same.  Here, let’s watch the fun for ourselves first.  Try not to laugh and point.

God that makes me so happy.  It’s like Christmas and Thanksgiving and Independence Day all fell on the same day this year.  If you’re wondering, that video is missing the part where this kid enticed the officers to his side in the first place.  This is why the crowd cheered when they first attempted to escort him out (not arrest him).  It makes me proud as a taxpayer seeing that the cops aren’t going to give a criminal the chance to grab their gun while he resists arrest in a crowded school auditorium.  They don’t have the luxury to quickly assume a person resisting arrest is well intentioned enough to do so; especially since the Virginia Tech massacre. 

The police and innocent people have been murdered too many countless times when this mistake has been made, and cops are trained to do one thing — subdue any person resisting arrest… always with extreme prejudice!  I shake my head in disbelief when these political pundits—the same that ask why enough wasn’t done at Virginia Tech—question why cops had to use force to subdue a frantic person resisting arrest like this.  I pay for those cops and love seeing my tax dollars hard at work like that.  Hell, I pay for a lot of this kids education too, so please sit down and shut up when told kid. 

The sad part is that these worthless students (the one percent that were raised wrong) are setting examples and a precedence for others to follow.  Be a dick and the media will push the story just enough to get you off and maybe even make you some easy cash.  This would be fine, if not for the fact that officers get shot every day by people resisting arrest.  Why do you think they take this situation so seriously?  Should they treat you differently because you’re white, or a student, or a crybaby?  No, of course not.  But hey, what do you expect from a student?  What do you expect from a journalist major?  What do you expect from a Democrat?  What do you expect from a Gator?     

Go Cure Cancer!  Go to Mars!  Go Get Tasered!  Go Gators!   

Why is it that every time this happens it’s always basically the same kid.  Almost always a male, in college, well-off, and white.  It always goes a little something like this.  He thinks he knows more than anyone in the room (because his mommy told him that since he was about two), he breaks a rule and is warned nicely, he continues to break the rule, he is taken by the arm to be lead out for not being able to follow simple (adult) directions and won’t stop being disruptive (this is where the situation would be over, if not for the resisting), he immediately becomes a lawyer when he realizes neither mommy nor daddy are there to bail his (adult) ass out of trouble, he tries to talk the cops out of arresting him, he officially resists arrest, he begs the cops to let him go, he resists arrest even further by forcing his way out of the officer’s arms, he starts to cry like a little baby, all of a sudden he becomes a constitutional lawyer while ten cops try to cuff him to prevent him from grabbing a gun or night stick and endangering hundreds, he gets warned that he’s resisting arrest and will be tasered if he doesn’t cease and desist immediately, he continues to resist, he gets tasered, a bunch of girls in the audience begin to cry like small children and scream about letting him go, then he cries some more while they lead him out (finally in restraints). 

I think my favorite part is the fact that during all of this John Kerry is still on stage answering the kids question while he’s getting zapped.  He even had a cute little joke ready for the crowd.

“Unfortunately he’s not available to come up here and swear me in as president.” 

This is officially the greatest thing Kerry has ever said in a speech… ever!  It was also by far the most electrifying speech I’ve ever seen Kerry give.  At least for one audience member anyway.  It was unfair that the kid didn’t get a chance to ask his most important question about why Kerry and Bush orchestrated 9/11, but oh well. 

What are they teaching these kids (or should I say not teaching these kids) in Hogtown USA, down there in Gunsville, Florida?  I knew the UF football team was full of potheads and assault rifle lovers, but this is ridiculous.  No, not that AK-47 incident, this one.

The Official 2006 University of Florida National Championship Commemorative Edition AK-47

Just listen kid.  Forget this ever happened.  Go back to your dorm, put a small band-aid on your boo boo, and get laid at parties for the rest of the semester where those UF girls feel sorry for you about being the new white Rodney King.  Please don’t get a lawyer and try to extend your 15 minutes of fame (which by the way is about 16 minutes too long for a dumb ass like you), and just thank God you weren’t a black guy resisting arrest like that because they shoot those guys for doing that, and not with a cute little electric razor!  Go Tasers, err… I mean, Gay Goaters, dang it, I mean, Electrocute Gators!  Crap, I give up! 

DON’T TAZE ME BRO!!!!!

[Editor’s Update: This idiot is not a journalism major like I reported above, but rather a telecommunications major.  So, I would like to apologize to all idiots and journalism majors for the offense.]

Check This Out

Next weeks Mensa meeting in Colorado will be short one member after this rocket surgeon decided to rob a bank by writing the “give me all your money” note on the back of one of his own checks.  This event will in no way take any number one votes away from the first place duct tape bandit, but this new guy should be in a solid position to take second place for the year.  The perp did have the foresight to at least attempt to black out his own name on the check, but I’m sure he forgot about the account number linked directly to his home address.  Surprisingly enough, he is now enjoying an extended stay at the Downtown Colorado Hilton.  Just a friendly reminder, if you plan on holding up a bank anytime soon, here’s a list of things not to do.

  • Do not write the “give me all your money” note on the back of your baby.
  • Do not ask the teller to deposit the stolen money into your own account (or an accomplice’s account for that matter).  And yes, I’m saying this because someone has actually tried that before. 
  • In fact, don’t ever rob a bank that you actually have an account with.  What?  Are you really that busy not having a job that you can’t find a bank that doesn’t have your name, home address, photo, and possibly finger prints on file?
  • Do not rob a bank in the middle of summer in Miami while wearing a ski mask and parka.  Remember, this will probably draw attention to you.  That doesn’t mean you waltz in wearing no disguise, just make it more believable than a football helmet.  Besides, you should be doing what any self-respecting criminal does during the summer months… operating a meth lab in your trailer.
  • And finally, think outside the box.  Mix it up a bit.  Remember, these banks are just chocked full o’ money, so they have plenty of it to use on cameras, and guards, and security systems controlled by tellers who spend countless hours training to use them.  Just whatever you do, no duct tape!