Category Archives: Stupidipity

Check This Out

Next weeks Mensa meeting in Colorado will be short one member after this rocket surgeon decided to rob a bank by writing the “give me all your money” note on the back of one of his own checks.  This event will in no way take any number one votes away from the first place duct tape bandit, but this new guy should be in a solid position to take second place for the year.  The perp did have the foresight to at least attempt to black out his own name on the check, but I’m sure he forgot about the account number linked directly to his home address.  Surprisingly enough, he is now enjoying an extended stay at the Downtown Colorado Hilton.  Just a friendly reminder, if you plan on holding up a bank anytime soon, here’s a list of things not to do.

  • Do not write the “give me all your money” note on the back of your baby.
  • Do not ask the teller to deposit the stolen money into your own account (or an accomplice’s account for that matter).  And yes, I’m saying this because someone has actually tried that before. 
  • In fact, don’t ever rob a bank that you actually have an account with.  What?  Are you really that busy not having a job that you can’t find a bank that doesn’t have your name, home address, photo, and possibly finger prints on file?
  • Do not rob a bank in the middle of summer in Miami while wearing a ski mask and parka.  Remember, this will probably draw attention to you.  That doesn’t mean you waltz in wearing no disguise, just make it more believable than a football helmet.  Besides, you should be doing what any self-respecting criminal does during the summer months… operating a meth lab in your trailer.
  • And finally, think outside the box.  Mix it up a bit.  Remember, these banks are just chocked full o’ money, so they have plenty of it to use on cameras, and guards, and security systems controlled by tellers who spend countless hours training to use them.  Just whatever you do, no duct tape!

Sa-weed al Bong

A Game We’d All Like To See
Am I wrong to think that the above photo would have been construed as overtly racist before the Vick controversy?  Well, at least they’re not photoshopping a noose around his neck.  Yet!

There are certain things in this world that are a sure thing.  Things such as the sun setting, the sun rising, and every hot young chick thinking that both of those events take place in her ass.  A day also never goes by without even a remotely famous person doing something really, really, really (ad nauseum) stupid.  You can set your watch to it.  Some days—when we wish it really hard—a famous person gets caught doing something that the vast majority of us find morally reprehensible.  If you’re like me—and you look hard enough—a day actually never goes by that you’re not outraged by the actions of others.  This can be to the dismay of my doctor and more so for his blood pressure machine.  

My blood pressure, along with most others that are not Atlanta Falcon fans, have certainly been boiling during the whole Michael Vick dogfighting controversy.  What?  You haven’t heard about this?  Well, for those of you that have lived the past year in an under water concentration camp, The Vicktim is about to cop a plea and go to jail for doing some pretty nasty things to other living things.  This won’t be the first time an Atlanta Falcons star has plead “no contest” since most of their football games were no contest from the start.        

Of course, most of us reach a point when we realize that maybe, just maybe, people are piling on.  Such is NOT the case with Michael Vick and I can assure you the editorial staff at HDW will never let up.  Never!  Trust me when I say I look forward to game two of the NFL season when I get to hang my sign on the fence behind section 433.  You can also trust me when I say that ESPN will not be televising it on SportsCenter that night for obvious FCC violation concerns.

With that said, sometimes enough is enough.  There’s always someone who takes a terrible news event and any famous person involved in said event and attempts to take financial advantage of it.  This usually involves a worthless lawyer, an even more worthless plaintiff, and a judge who’s too senile to know he’s not on the Supreme Court writing the minority dissent for Brown v Board of Education.

Well, here’s a case that better win frivolous lawsuit of the year, maybe even decade.  Low and behold (happy happy, joy joy) it involves The Vicktim himself.  The problem?  Well, you be the judge (excuse the pun).

Riches alleges that Vick stole two white mixed pit bull dogs from his home in Holiday, Fla., and used them for dogfighting operations in Richmond, Va. The complaint goes on to allege that Vick sold the dogs on eBay and “used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran government.”

The complaint also alleges that Vick would need those missiles because he pledged allegiance to al Qaeda in February of this year.

“Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint.

He wants Vick to stop hurting his feeling and dashing his hopes?  Damn, this guy is an Atlanta Falcons fan.  Either that or he was dumb enough to waste a third round pick on him in his fantasy football draft last year.  I feel your pain my friend.  I feel it right here [fist pounding heart].

So, Vick technically can’t be prosecuted now since he’s an Enemy Combatant, right?  That means he’s converted to Islam along with a long line of other athletes.  I think from now on we’ll call him by his new Islamic name, Sa-weed al Bong, instead of by his slave name.  And just how dirt cheap are Iran’s shitty-ass missles or just how amazing is Vick at dogfighting that he could finance one operation with the other? 

Did I forget to mention how much this guy is suing The Vic… err, I mean Sa-weed al Bong for?  Are you sitting down?  Good then, put the back of your pinky finger over your mouth and repeat after me.  He wants “$63,000,000,000 billion dollars” people, and I’m not sure if that includes pain and suffering.  63 billion billion dollars?  Is my math off, or is that 63 trillion million dollars?  I know al Bong is rich, but come on, he’s not A-Rod rich.  Like always, here’s the kicker.  If the guy wins the case, and that’s if, he wants to be paid in silver and gold (and not in chain form), dropped off in front of the prison.  With the strength of the dollar now a days, this guy may not be as crazy as he sounds. 

Oh wait, did I fail to mention this guys already in prison for wire fraud?  Dude, you should have requested to be paid in cigarettes.  Trust me, with gold selling at around $670 an ounce, you’re looking at a lot of gold; like 5,876,865,000 pounds of gold to be exact.  Good luck muling all that up your ass while in prison.  

Hey, maybe God will decide to make us all happy and put these two guys in the same cell?  Then he can pay him in sweet prison ass black gold.  For once, go Sa-weed al Bong! 

It’s Duct Season!

There comes a moment in every person’s life (about once a year actually) that they read something about a less than brilliant criminal and get the golden opportunity to laugh and laugh and laugh.  I think that when this happens—pure pleasure at the expense of others—is how angels get their wings and how babies get their souls.  It makes you feel smart, if only for a fleeting moment.  Like watching celebrity week on Jeopardy or Wheel of Fortune anytime.  By the way, not that I want to get side tracked here, but am I the only one who imagines Wheel of Fortune fans making fun of those “dumb ass ignorant” Deal or No Deal fans? 

The stupidity of others always brings a smile to the faces of those even only slightly smarter than the original perpetrators in the article.  These little nuggets of stupidity are further proof that God truly does exist and that he’s running the biggest comedy network known to man; we just happen to call it Kentucky.  Yes, most of God’s top comedic work does take place in Kentucky, but other exotic locales such as Tennessee, Michigan, and Poland come into play every so often as well (this is not one of those times).  We’ll just call these four locations The Comedy Zone for short.

Well, a man that lives in the heart of The Comedy Zone decided to rob a liquor store a couple days ago (be sure to watch the video too, it’s the best).  And why not, it was Monday.  With it being summer and all he didn’t want to arouse suspicion by wearing a mask to hide his identity.  Besides, I’m sure all of his ski gear from last season at Vail was still in storage.  So, he did what any normal person would do… he put on his special thinking cap (which just so happens to be a UK ball cap with the trucker netting), downed a 1.75 bottle of Tennessee’s finest, and then proceeded to duct tape his entire f**king head!!!!!

It’s Duct Season!!!!

I think some of the best parts of this story are in the details.  If you look closely it appears that at first he did not leave space for his eye holes.  Thank God he didn’t have a knife handy (or at least couldn’t see to find one) and just decided to rip himself some eye holes in the mask.  It also appears that he took great pride in his work and seems to have taped his head really super tight.  So tight that his lips are about to fall off.  I’m guessing he couldn’t hear the police yelling at him to stop since he taped his ears shut as well. 

Not that I would do this, but if I did, I’m just guessing I would have taped my head with the sticky side facing out.  Just a wide guess.  I also would have hid the twenty distinguishing tattoos covering my body so that the clerk couldn’t have picked me out of a line-up.  Now, what could he have used to cover up his bodies torso?  Hmmmm????  No, not a t-shirt, you dummy.  I got it!

         

No One Will Ever Catch Me Now

Wait, did you shrink wrap my arms too?  Grab that razor knife over there.

Let Them Eat Milk

Some Arab princesses (or is it pronounced princessi?) refused to sit next to men they did not know on a British Airways flight, causing quite a stink.  It’s just another one of those crazy Muslim traditions to ensure their women don’t get hit on by other men and find out just how shitty their husbands treat them.  Brilliant guys, just brilliant.  Can you blame the ladies since some Muslim traditions dictate that a women who’s raped is to blame and is punished accordingly, while the man who did the raping is given a goat I think.

The airline had to hold the flight for several hours while the kerfuffle took place and eventually had to expel the princesses for not taking their assigned seats.  This was to the delight of the other passengers… those evil haters of Islam and white devils.  Of course, all of this could have simply been avoided in several ways.

  • Ordered tickets where the muslo-chicks all sat together and avoided contact with strange men (level of difficulty: 1). 
  • Traveled their usual way, by gold plated private jets that run off the blood of infidels (level of difficulty: 3).
  • Simply hijacked the plane (level of difficulty: 2).
  • Allowed the strange men to breast feed off of them (level of difficulty: 2).

Don’t ever say I’m not a problem solver and a unifacator.  

Jesus, This Guy Knows How To Party!

No really, Jesus needs to know just how much one of his ministers is partying in Tennessee.  Lindsey Lohan ain’t got shit on this guy.  Let’s check out what he did, between preaching to his congregation and hosting a local Christian radio program.  The cops arrested him for a litany of offenses which, among other things, included the following.

  • Pulled over for drinking and driving (I think?), where cops found an open bottle of vodka.  Hell yeah man, it’s all about the vodka.  Not sure if this guy had any taste or if he was drinking something other than Grey Goose.
  • The cops found an empty bottle of oxycodone in his car during the arrest.  Pill popping too?  Remember, you aren’t truly pill popping if you’re not washing them down with liquor.
  • Not that it’s a crime, but the minister was wearing a skirt when arrested.  Just an interesting side note.
  • A week earlier, the minister apparently “relieved himself” in front of a bunch of kids at a car wash.  I’m guessing this was maybe a charity car wash since a lot of kids were around.  Either way, the article doesn’t go into details as to whether his “relief” was of the number one type or number two.  I’m going with him taking a dump in front of the kids, well, because it’s funnier.  Even funnier than that… if he did it while wearing that skirt.  Like the one Britney Spears wore in that video.  Oh, please let there be security cameras!!!!!  Please Lord, make it so.
  • While being arrested, he offered the cops oral sex to bribe his way out of the ordeal.  Remember class, it ain’t immoral, if it’s oral.  

Those among us who are perfect and without sin cast the first stone!  Thee who have not offered an officer of the law oral sex to get out of a traffic violation, come forth and testify that this man has done wrong.  Remember, judge not, lest… wait, screw that!  Sounds like this guy needs a little judgement in his life more than anything.  Something we all hope the state of Tennessee will oblige him with.  Throw the book at him!  Not that book, the other one.  There, that’s better.

Ground Control To Major Tom Collins

I know by now you’ve all read the breaking news concerning NASA and the problems they’re currently going through.  Things like astronauts (more specifically, asstrobabes) stalking other team members, employees cutting wires and engaging in clear acts of sabotage, and most recently, drunk astronauts launching into outer space.  NASA, leave the drinking in space to the professionals… the Russians. 

This Just In: Breaking news out of Moscow.  Last week the Kremlin discovered that two cosmonauts (that’s commie for astronaut) actually went into space sober.       

I’m going to be honest with you, I’m surprised people give a rat’s vagina that these guys were drunk while launching into outer space.  It’s not like they have a steering wheel in the shuttle. right?  Wait, do they? 

Anyway, who am I to judge since my punk-ass can’t even get onto a regular airplane without first visiting the airport lounge, dropping $40 on adult beverages, and using said beverages to wash down a few happy pills.  I’m such a chicken shit, while I’m in my car doing the speed of smell, I worry about the 17 gallons of flammable liquid in my gas tank.  Conversely, shuttle pilots get strapped into basically the same device used to launch nuclear f**king weapons around the planet.  Here are some fun space shuttle facts, so put on your Mr. Wizard nerd hat.

  • Vehicle Weight: 4.5 Million Pounds.
  • Cost: 2.1 billion dollars.
  • Engines: Two solid rockets boosters, three main engines, two orbital thrusters.
  • Propellant: One million pounds in the solid rocket, 603 tons of liquid oxygen, 101 tons of liquid hydrogen.
  • Speeds: 17,460 miles per hour in 8.5 minutes 
  • Temperature: 1,650 degrees celsius (that’s 3,002 in real degrees) on re-entry.

So, as long as these astronauts continue to go 17,000 miles per hour (by the way, that’s 5 miles per second!) in a rocket, or until the state of Florida builds a space shuttle police car out of an old Camaro, these guys can do lines of tang off a stripper’s tits for all I care. 

So tell me, how many shots of tequila would you have to do to do this?

The Shuttle Hitting the Speed of Sound

By the way, that’s just the sound barrier being broken.  Take that sound barrier.  Is that the way you like it?  Full rocket thrusters?  Yeah, you dirty slut you.

Larry Bird Johnson Dies?

Look at my Magic Johnson as I make it disappear!

Was I the only complete idiot that glanced over the “Lady Bird Johnson Dies” headline and thought for a fleeting moment that Larry Bird and Magic Johnson had died yesterday?  Man, that was a close one.  How cool would that be though?  One of the two greatest rivals in basketball history die on the same day, a la Thomas Jefferson and John Adams dying within hours of each other on the 4th of July exactly 50 years to the day after they “gave birth” to this great country.  Okay, a Bird/Johnson death would not quite be as big of a headline as a Jefferson/Adams death (outside of Boston), but a distant second I’m sure. 

At any rate, I was shocked to find out she had died mostly because it was news to me that she was still alive in the first place.  Rest in peace Larry… err, I mean Lady Bird Johnson.  You were a good woman.  Oh, and good luck finding LBJ or JFK up there.     

Horsin’ Around?

 BITCH!

If I had a dollar for every time I had experienced sexual harassment at the office I’d be rich (and not just because of all the lawsuits).  Damn you Barry, I’ve been scarred for life and still waiting on that raise and office with a view you promised me!  Oh, and if you pronounce the word harassment with the specific intent of not putting the inflection on the syllables “her”, “ass”, and “mint”, then you have no business reading HDW.  Sexual Harris Mint is something Sir Richard Harris popped in his mouth just after downing a 5th of Glenlivet Scotch and banging his leading lady and just before walking on stage.  So, off with you!

Well, not that the below news event is just like the time Eric got caught photocopying his testicles, then blowing up and doubling the image into a rorschach inkblot type test, and finally leaving them on random desks of unsuspecting female employees… but it’s close.  According to the article, this male horse decided to make the mistake of making sexual advances at another horse in the same stable.  How did the male horse supposedly make an unwanted sexual advance?  Let’s find out.

Ruth Kay, of Bartlett, Ill., said in court papers that a stallion named Vinny violated her mare’s “personal and private space” by resting his head on the mare’s rear end, a common romantic come-on among horses.

Well, the first thing that jumps out at me is the fact that apparently the male horse—Vinny—is Italian.  That explains the unwanted sexual advances [insert italian stallion jokes here].  The part I haven’t told you about is what this evil bitch of a horse did when Vinny innocently laid his head upon her supple ass.  She kicked Poor Vinny in the head, then once on the ground she kicked him again until he was dead.  BITCH!

The owner of the male horse is sueing the owner of the female.  The owner of the female horse is claiming that she’s not paying because Vinny made unwanted sexual advances at her horse (aka, sexual her-ass-mint), and that she was only trying to defend herself.  BITCH!

Really ladies?  Really?  We can’t even rest our heads on your asses anymore without our possible deaths ensuing?  Remember the good ole days guys, back when your secretary could dictate notes from the comfort of your own lap?  You could create an offical dress code requiring all women to wear skirts?  And the Christmas party consisted of the one at the office (the good one) and then one where the secretarie’s husband and your wife could come (the boring one). 

Well guys, I hope you enjoyed it while it lasted, because that ship has sailed.  The only sexual harassment you have to look forward to now is when the company decides to hire that dude from San Francisco to be your new boss. You know, the one with the two-seater convertible; and trust me, he’ll want more than your head resting on his ass.  Giddy up! 

Past: +5, Future: -8 

O-High-o State Buck-High

What in the hell are they teaching these idiots at OSU?  Or maybe we should ask what in the hell they’re not teaching them.  Obviously not geography.  When asked about how he feels about maybe going to Portland to play professional basketball, Greg Oden said… well, let’s go straight to the Buckeye’s own mouth.

I know it rains a lot. I know it’s close to L.A. and I love that. I want to go to L.A. and go to the beach.”

Portland is close to LA?  Was there a really big earthquake last night where Northern California fell into the Pacific ocean and I missed it?  If you’re wondering, Oden is soon going to be a mega millionaire while you are not.  Hey Oden, if you’re wondering, there’s a city with a beach near Portland.  It’s called PORTLAND!  The Pacific ocean is about 40 miles to the west of town dumbass.  Is 1000 miles less than 40 miles or greater than?  Does this symbol (>) mean greater than or less than?  F**k, math is hard!  Greg, just to let you know, the number 40 is not that much, unless of course it’s in reference to your age as a freshman at OSU. 

Luckily, HDW had a secret mic setup when Oden was informed of his mistake.  Let’s just go straight to the quote again.

I can count to potato!”

Who knows, maybe he’ll get traded to Denver and finally be able to do a little snow skiing.  I hear the skiing in the Swiss Alps around Denver is great this time of year.     

Borderline Nut Case?

Ladies and Gents, I have officially found the strangest news story of the year, if not decade.  Let me start with the LEAST crazy part of this story.

Despres’ first-degree murder trial was stopped on Feb. 1 after he delivered a 10-minute courtroom rant about al-Qaida, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein and something he called the “Super Space Patrol.”

This guy Despres is currently on trial for murder and decided to show up to court–fronting a new hairdo–and began the above rant where he explained he was actually a pilot for the Super Space Patrol.

In another outburst on the day the trial was stopped, Despres objected to the length of the assessment, saying any evaluation that took longer than five days would be an attempt to gather espionage, and that he could be forced to testify under the rules of the “Super Space Patrol.”

“I’m not a spy, I’m a pilot,” Despres blurted in the packed courtroom. 

What did he do wrong?  Well, he killed his neighbors with either an ax, sword, or chainsaw (continue reading to understand why I’m not sure).  Parts of said neighbor where found in a pillow case under the dining room table.  Still, this is not the strangest part of the story.  My friends, the strangest part of this story has nothing to do with this total nut job.  It’s what the border patrol did…

Despres, who has dual Canadian and U.S. citizenship, was allowed to enter the United States on April 25, 2005, despite bizarre behaviour at the border crossing in Calais, Maine.

He described himself as a marine sniper and an assassin with 700 kills to his credit, and was carrying a homemade sword, a knife, a chainsaw, pepper spray, a hatchet and brass knuckles, all of which were confiscated by U.S. border guards.

Several guards testified that they could not detain Despres because he had a valid U.S. passport.

No, that is not something funny I just made up to get a cheap laugh.  The Canadian US border actually stopped this guy as he attempted to cross into the US the day after he killed his neighbor.  Did I read that right?  He was carrying a homemade sword, a knife, pepper spray, a hatchet, brass knuckles and a CHAINSAW???  By the way, there was also lots of blood on these “toys” he was carrying too.  I guess they saw that he had a trade when they noticed a “homemade” sword.  You’re a blacksmith, eh?  Oh, come on in, eh! 

But don’t worry, he must be safe because he told the border patrol he was a marine sniper and assassin with 700 kills.  Not sure if he mentioned that his military branch of service was the Super Space Patrol.  If any of you are concerned about why these guys would let this guy into the country, it’s probably because he looked normal and nothing like a killer.

Yep, nothing to see here.

Crazy Like a Fox Tail?

    

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