Category Archives: Wild Kingdoms Gone Wild

Anything to do with the animal kingdom. Mostly cool ass videos of animals eating or mating.

Have a Merry Christmas…

…or the kitten gets it!!!!

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Goat Milking 101

 Get Back Here And Take Your Medicine Bill!!!!

A Sudanese man was caught having sex with his neighbors goat and the town elders have ruled on exactly how to punish him for his crimes against humanity (and farm animals).  His punishment: marry the goat.  Of course.  And why not. 

They ordered the man, Mr Tombe, to pay a dowry of 15,000 Sudanese dinars ($50) to Mr Alifi.

“We have given him the goat, and as far as we know they are still together,” Mr Alifi said. 

This happened a while ago, so I’m guessing the honeymoon is over.  We’re here to serve our readers and as you would expect, HDW was secretly there.

*****

Ungowa: Honey, I’m home.

Goat: Why are you coming home so late from work?  I’ve been slaving over the stove all afternoon. [under her breathe] Bleating.

Ungowa: [slamming down lunch box] QUIT NAGGING ME!!!!!!

*****

Just admit it, you laughed.

      

Elephantfightus of the Nuts

HDW has a reliable source in Bangcock (that’s how I spell it, that’s how I’ll always spell it, so suck it Miss Sapp, you crazy seventh grade geography teacher), Thailand that a new Elephant Fighting Ring has been broken up and international grand jury charges are looming for… you guessed it—The Vicktim himself—Michael Vick.  The story broke to the public when one of The Vicktim’s elephants went ape shit berserk on a circus goer.  The circus goer was screwing with the elephant so it took an equal and measured response.

“The elephant then grabbed the man’s body with his trunk and hurled him on to the ground before stomping on his body,” he said. 

 The elephant was not happy about the whole thing and decided to get pissed at everyone.  The angry elephant—just like me—required lots of bananas to regulate his temper.

Onlookers then managed to temporally placate the elephant by feeding him bunches of bananas, but he turned angry again, and dented a pickup truck parked nearby before his trainer — who had been away — returned and managed to calm him down, Thanit said.

The trainer was asked if maybe he should have been there while his elephant was busy killing a circus customer and was asked where he was during the event.  He said—loosely quoted (meaning not a quote at all)—“I was taking a left-handed smoke break and also helping Ron India wash his elephant in preparation for the elephant fights tonight.”  Here’s an exclusive HDW video of one of the elephant fights.

That’s Michael Vick riding the elephant on the left.  After the show, Vick drown his elephant in a large vat of baby seal blood. 

Knut Kupdate

That’s right HDW readers; the cute and wonderful Knut the Nazi polar bear is back, and bigger than ever.  A couple of these photos will show you just how well treated he is.  Although, someone really needs to keep this horny German zookeeper away from him.  At least now we know why they named him Knut, right?  If I wasn’t so lazy I’d Photoshop a jar of peanut butter behind them in this photo.  Use your imagination for once damn it!  

You Know What They Say… It Ain’t Immoral If It’s Oral, Right?

Well, besides HDW’s irrational obsession with putting a stop to kiddy animal porn in Euro zoos, I have noticed something very strange within the genetic makeup of this article.  After reading one of these stories posted on any UK website—such as The Daily Mail—I find it very entertaining to read the comments by readers.  It’s almost addictive.  Hundreds of comments by scores of people with just enough education to surf the Internet, but not quite enough education to know the difference between the words to and too

No matter how benign the subject matter, you can always count on our ancestors from across the pond to take a few cheap shots and jabs at us Yanks.  Most of the time the article will be political in nature and therefore slightly warrant the occasional nut-ball moon-bat asshole to proclaim all of the citizens of our great country to being equivalent to evil Nazis (it’s always Nazis, even from the Germans); even though the political nature of the article has nothing to do with America specifically.  Sometimes these comments will even come from fellow Americans—affectionately referred to by HDW as seditious traitors. 

What really makes me laugh is when the story has nothing to do with America or even politics in general and yet the comments will eventually include some hatin’ on the US.  Knut The Over Sexed Polar Bear story is perfect for this sort of experiment.  So far, no comments have been made about us evil, racist, dumb, obnoxious, capitalist American pigs… yet.  Eight whole comments and nothing.  Not a single one.  Let’s perform an experiment and see how long it will take.  I’m going with the under at 25 comments.  That’s Vegas talk meaning I’m betting that an anti-American comment is made by comment number 25 or less.  No cheating HDW readers.  Let’s see how well they do over there. 

By this point there should be several anti-American comments made, so I am truly perplexed.  Maybe all the hippies are too busy saving the planet at the Live Earth festivals this weekend so they’re too drugged up and/or liquored up to care.  Regardless, check back here throughout the weekend for updates on any comments I find on the Knut article.  I’ll get the ball rolling with a comment written by yours truly just to get you accustomed to the country hatin’ you are about to feel.  Have a great weekend.                

Xtreme Dinner For Two?

What in the hell is wrong with people now-a-days with their obsession of dying as quickly as humanly possible; specifically this guy?  He’s referred to as the Lion Whisperer, but soon will probably just be called by his more affectionate name: The Lion Fodder.  Below is a photo of him getting gang rapped raped (damn you spellchecker, you’ve let me down for the last time) by a couple of lions I think? 

Soon to be Lion Excrement?

I’m taking bets on when this guy will officially assume room temperature.  The over/under is 18 months.  If you can also guess the method of his demise then it’ll double your winnings.  I’m going with him meeting his maker due to a simple surgical infection.  He’ll acquire said infection at the hospital after the failed attempt to reattach his face to his head. 

It may surprise you all, but this article got me thinking, and I actually have an opinion about this.  I know what you’re thinking — me, with an opinion?  So, I have this theory, as to why we as humans—and crazy white people in particular—have this desire to risk our lives like the idiot pictured above.  It started about 65 years ago when our grandfathers were told they had to jump out of an airplane over Germany with 100lbs of weapons and rations.  It went sort of like this…  “Don’t worry soldier, you’ll just coast down gently to the ground using this silk sheet.  Just try not to get a hole in it (aka, don’t let those Nazi bastards shoot a hole in it).  Oh, did we fail to mention the Nazis shooting at you part?”  This is the point where your pop-pop was kicked out of the airplane at 20,000 feet over Berlin. 

Well, these same guys came home—minus half a million or so—and made sweet love to our grandmothers on the streets of New York in the middle of a parade celebrating their victory.  Poof!, our parents are born.  Well, not both our parents from the same couple, but you get the point.  [Editor’s Note: Yes, I know I missed the perfect opportunity there at joking about the apparent inbreeding that supposedly occurs in small town USA, predominantly in the southern portion of the country.  Let me just say this about that – lies, lies, lies!  That’s a horrible myth, spread by the evil yankee imperial scum just to our north.  Take me for instance.  I have never had consensual sexual relations with any direct blood relative that was any closer than second cousin, so screw you and your fancy book learnin’ yankee!]

Anyway, so our grandfather had our father and when our father turned 18 he was told to jump out of a helicopter over Korea and/or Vietnam with 50lbs (thank God for the advent of aluminum cans) of weapons and rations.  “Just look out down there in them there woods for booby traps.  Don’t worry soldier, you’ll be protected by this napalm that we’ll be fire bombing your surrounding jungle with to ensure your safety.  What’s napalm you ask?  Well, imagine a type of strawberry jelly or jam.  Now add a lot of acid and gasoline to it, giving it the important characteristics necessary to burn a hole… through the f**king space/time continuum.  If you’re lucky, you’ll be able to do a little surfing for Robert Duval too.

So, our fathers come back home—minus 50,000 or so—and made sweet love to our mothers on the streets of New York during a peace march as people walked by and spit on them while chanting “baby killer, baby killer!”  Poof!, we are born.

Fast forward to our generation.  Just about since our inception we have been trying to kill ourselves in crazy ways.  Why?  For the rush man, that’s why!  Our grandfathers jumped out of airplanes and saved the world, and so shall we damn it!  We even invented a “special olympics” for extreme sports, called the X-Games.  And don’t get me started on that whole joke of a sporting event.  It was cute when you were 13, getting high, shaving animal shapes into your head, and doing skateboard tricks in the parking lot of a doctor’s office; but now it’s just sad.  Go buy some grown up clothes, get a grown man’s haircut, do some grown up drugs, and get a grown up job. 

Yes, I know you have no education or employable skill set (aside from performing totally gnarly pop shuvits) that allow you to contribute to society like a normal person, but at least you could try.  Yes, yes, of course you’ll fail miserably and disappoint your parents, like always, but at least you’ll be able to tell all your illegitimate grandchildren about that “time you tried” back in the olden days.  Then you can ride off on your skateboard, pushing it with a cane. 

Skateboarding is not a crime you say?  I’m not quite sure when you found the time to acquire your law degree from DeVry; well between all the skating, and weed smoking, and masturbating to late night TV in your mom’s basement, but skateboarding is a crime when posted (check out the length of that video).  F**king stoners!!!!! 

If it’s not a crime, someone down at the station really needs to let officer friendly in the video know about it.  Wow, did a skateboard molest him as a child maybe?  Regardless, keep up the good work officer.  Joke Time: What’s the hardest part about being a 25 year old skateboarder?  Having to tell your parents your gay.  Extreme stupidity, the most extreme of the extreme sports.

Where in the hell was I?  Oh right, our need to die young.  Our forefathers (or two fathers in this example) stormed the beaches of Normandy, took control of strategic islands in the south pacific at great human loss, dug trenches to fight and hold off communism, and we, well, uh, invented bungee jumping???  We were created from the seed of the seed that stopped the spread of fascism; and the seed that stopped the spread of communism.  We were predestined to have to stand in a huge shadow cast by these giants.  Surprisingly enough, extreme hacky-sack didn’t stand a chance. 

So, I guess it’s in our genetic makeup to want to save the planet and stop tyranny, but we got stuck in the 80’s and 90’s.  So, to remedy this shortcoming we invented new ways to “save the planet” by fighting Chlorofluorocarbons.  Those CFC Bastards!  Take that styrofoam coffee cups!  We did it!  We stopped the evil spread of coffee cups from taking over the planet.  Out of Poland with you styrofoam.  Now, where’s our f**king parade?

Even better than us inventing psychoses such as being narcissistic enough to think we could actually destroy the planet with little cups, we decided to invent new ways to actually almost kill ourselves.  Hey guys, let’s go spelunking down this giant f**king chasm in the side of this frozen mountain!  F**king cool man.  We’re amazing.  But we could die?  I know, right!?!?!  Take that war hero grandpa!

History is chocked full of crazy people who did things “extreme” and dangerous.  Flying a kite in a thunder storm, building a device with wings and jumping off a cliff, strapping themselves into a rocket and luanching into outerspace.  These inventors put themselves in mortal danger in the quest to do something great.  Correct me if I’m wrong there Chip Johnson (or is it Biff Johnson?), but I can’t think of a damn thing being invented from jumping out of a helicopter in snow skies and onto the top of a double black diamond mountain, besides maybe inventing new ways to create orphans.   

This new generation that’s currently fighting the war on terror won’t have much time for such “important” matters as inventing extreme basketball, base jumping, or music television.  They’ll only get to protect us, and fight for us, and die for us, while we on the other hand get to invent the new extreme <insert un-extreme event here>.  I got it… Extreme Blogging.  I’m thinking about only doing extreme blogging from now on.  Let me explain.  This entire post was written while I had my pants off at work.  Well, not completely off, but around the ole ankles.  No one noticed since I was at my desk the whole time.  Extreme man!  Eat your heart out pops.  

Or maybe I’ll just climb in a cage full of wild killer animals—such as lions—and show how extremely badass I am.  Extremely unlikely.  Wait, I mean Xtremely unlikely.                                                

Buffalo, It’s What’s For Dinner!

What do you get when you mix hungry (female) lions with a bunch of dumb buffalo?  Good ole fashioned entertainment with an ending that is just to “die” for, that’s what.  Take notes David Chase. 

Once again, where’s the male lion when these chicks screw things up and need him the most?  Probably back in his den, watching an old football game on DVR; maybe the Vikings vs. the Lions.  P*ssy!

UPDATE: I forgot to mention, Michael Vick just announced he’s giving up professional dog fighting for good.  Join him next week in his backyard, when his new pet buffalo (named Bloodsoe) fights a lion and a crocodile.  Oh, it’s on like donkey kong!