Category Archives: You Stay Classy

Black is Beautiful, Tan is Grand, White is the Color of the MLB Commissioner

Not a Black Guy!

It has been announced today that Major League Baseball is only .082% Asian.  When calculating management and coaching staff only, the Asian population in Major League Baseball is a paltry .00082%, which equates to 1/4 of a person — the assistant third base coach for the Dodgers, Chuck Johnson (his great grandmother lived in Hawaii as a teenager).

This travesty of justice must be corrected.  You only have to look at how well blacks are represented in professional baseball to understand why this wrong must be righted.  It was announced today that 8.2% of the MLB population is black, and with the total black population in America at around 12%, many feathers were ruffled.  The NAACP was quoted today as saying, “We want 4% more blacks represented in Major League Baseball, and we want it now!”  The federal government promised to tear down basketball courts everywhere and build baseball diamonds throughout the inner city immediately.

The study on diversity in baseball had this to say.

“Baseball has probably lost a whole generation here,” Lapchick said. “African-Americans just aren’t playing it at this point. They’re going to have to increase their efforts.”

Wait, “they” are going to have to increase “their” efforts?  Who is “they,” baseball or black kids?

Once again, the study failed to address the even less represented Asians in baseball.  The commissioner of baseball was quick to try and reclassify David Ortiz as three black guys, but the citizens of Boston immediately began to riot when they heard the news that they would have to root for a black guy as their number one sports hero.  So, the commissioner of baseball did the only other thing he knew to do — he called the commissioner of football to see if they could spare any black athletes for the cause.  A MLB representative was asked if they had a message for the NFL, to which he replied “Yes!  Come on guys, the NFL is 82% black…. stop hogging all the good athletes!”

An NFL official, who requested annonimity on the grounds he was a white guy, was quoted as saying “If we [NFL] gave up any black athletes to them [MLB] it would drop us below our required 80% quota, and that is completely unacceptable.”  The commisoner of the NBA hung up almost immediately and refused to comment on their quota requirements, except to say, “Listen, we have a 4.0% white player rate in the NBA which we’re proud of, and with Dirk out with a knee injury we’re down to 3%, so please leave us alone.”

[Editor’s Note: After exstensively searching ESPN’s website, we couldn’t find one article referencing the racist issue of such a low white player ratio in the NBA, and even lower Asian rate.  The fact that not one Jew is playing in the NBA has raised some eyebrows with many, but not ESPN.  They’re way too busy trying to count how many “blacks” play in Major League Baseball and how to classify African-Caribbean-Americans.  You stay classy ESPN, you stay classy.]


The Salaam Witch Hunt

Every four years, without fail, some people will reveal to all their friends, family, and anyone else in earshot at the bar, that if <insert political candidate> wins the election, they’re moving to another country.  If they’re conservative, it’s off to Australia, if they’re liberal, it’s off to Cuba, where it’s fair because everyone gets the same sized government issued rice cooker.  Albeit, no rice to cook, but at least your neighbor’s family is starving too.  Finally, equality for all my friend.

One of the other countries the younger liberals love to love is Iran, where its leader pulls no punches when addressing the evils of the tyrannical President Bush and the Great Satan, America.  Any country that hates America can’t be all that bad, right hippies?  They truly do believe in and embrace the old Art of War philosophy that “The enemy of my enemy is my friend” (okay, maybe that’s not from the Art of War, but it sounds better when I reference it as such). 

So, to counter the love-fest these Clintonites show for these insidious theocracies, we here at HDW like to post examples outlining the ills of these ass backwards middle eastern countries, and boy have we found a dozy this time.  Today’s example takes us to beautiful sunny Saudi Arabia, which is actually one of the few countries the liberals do hate, but only because they have the audacity to allow the U.S. to maintain a military presence there, which is ideal for launching attacks on the once tranquil peace loving nations of Iraq and Afghanistan. 

Our story is that of a witch and her crimes against Islam.  Here’s the nut of the story.

The illiterate woman was detained by religious police in 2005 and allegedly beaten and forced to fingerprint a confession that she could not read.

Among her accusers was a man who alleged she made him impotent.

Human Rights Watch said that Ms Falih had exhausted all her chances of appealing against her death sentence and she could only now be saved if King Abdullah intervened.   

That’s right, this illiterate woman has been convicted of witchcraft and sentenced to death on the grounds that she made a guy impotent through the wonders of magic.  Really?  She used magic?  Women usually just make men impotent through the power of getting really fat, so this is a little bit of overkill if you ask me.  Although, knowing some of the laws in the middle east, a woman getting really fat is probably a crime punishable by death as well. 

But, let’s just play along and assume that she did cast a magic spell called “abbry cadabry, your dong’s always flabby”.  Is that really a crime punishable by death?  If so, Saudi Arabia needs to immediately go pick up Rosie O’Donnell.  She’s made more men impotent than eating a salt-peter popsicle while accidentally seeing your grandma naked as she’s getting out of the tub.  “Now, put down that popsicle and hand gammy her robe.” 

All kidding aside, how can any woman or liberal not want to destroy some of these countries current governments and religious institutions?  If anything else, let’s at least do it for the sake of half their population; the half that had the misfortune and dumb luck of being born female in the middle east. 

Now, where did I put my wand?  That lock of Hillary Clinton’s hair that I bought on eBay just arrived in the mail and I have to get started before this falls erection, err… I mean election.  Damn it, if she wins, I’m moving to Austria!!!  Or is it Australia?  Whatever!    

And In The News

Race War!  Race War!
The former Soviet Union (I refuse to call them Russia, those commie pinko faggots) has announced that it is “indeed in the lead to put a human on the moon Mars”.  Really former Soviet Union?  You’re going to put a human on Mars before the United States?  You know what, you’re probably right, and I would put money on that actually happening.  But, I’ll also put money on the United States putting a man on Mars and him actually returning to Earth alive first.  I would venture to say that the former Soviet Union already has quite a few “humans” on their way to Mars right now, and has been for 40 years or so.  Only when they launched, they called them Moon-landing missions back then. 

Police: Crack Found in Man’s Buttocks
Yes, the headline says it all, but apparently this has nothing to do with the police in DC finding out the already well known and common fact that every man has an asshole.  The story is actually about a man being arrested for “supposedly” hiding twenty or so little baggies of crack in his butt-hole.  I really want to make a lot of jokes about this story right now, but the guy in the mugshot looks like he’d kill me, so I’m leaving it alone.  I will say this about that, it’s probably the last place they looked, so it wasn’t a horrible hiding place, unless of course you were the crackhead who bought it.  Actually, I think there should be a rule that if you can ram it up your ass before the cops can wrestle it away from you, then you should be free and clear.  Assault weapons ban, yeah right — for all AR-15 assault rifles not shoved up your booty hole.   

Child Abuse Case?
A St. Augustine woman was arrest for what obviously should qualify her as Parent of the Year.  Check out why kids…

Investigators say a woman accused of drunk driving had a case of beer buckled up safely, and a one year old girl sitting in the backseat without a seat-belt or car seat.

When asked why the girl wasn’t restrained, Williams reportedly told the officer, “I don’t know.”

Come on po po, technically a woman that drunk was probably going to flip the car anyway.  And if that happened it was probably better for the beer to be safely seat-belted securely in position instead of ten pounds of glass missiles in the cabin of the vehicle during the rollover.  Just imagine, broken beer bottles flying everywhere, possibly hurting the child.  I do love the “I don’t know” excuse.  Well played mommy.  I personally would have went with the “Did she unbuckle herself and seat-belt the case of beer in again?” excuse.  To each their own. 

Besides, we all know a case of beer won’t fit in a child seat anyway, only maybe a 12-pack tops.  So, just do what my dad did when I was little — seat-belt me into the backseat holding the case of beer.  The seat-belt will fit nicely over both a small child and the case of beer.  Innovation, meet dad.


Lil Sparky
Even Smurfs Go Bad.  Most Have Never Heard of 1st Degree Murder Smurf for a Reason.

Just had a great website forwarded to me. Click here and check out all the last words of death row inmates in Texas.  I had to go and make myself a big bowl of popcorn and just can’t pull myself away from this really fun and entertaining read (and yes, I did use one of those electric poppers… to add to the ambiance).  Before you start feeling sorry for these f**king animals with all their “I’m sorry” and “I now love Jesus” and “I’ll miss my family” bullshit, make sure you read what this guy did.  He’ll make you realize the true importance and the beauty of the death penalty. 

You know who else is going to miss their families asshole?  That’s right, the innocent family member(s) you took from them because you were too f**king lazy to get a job like a real human.  The persons you murdered didn’t get to read their last statement to their families to tell them they love them, f**k face!  The person you murdered could not be reached for comment. 

If I had my way, I’d set the chair up to be voice activated and go off the first time you said the word sorry or forgive.  Better still, a secret word, like from the 80’s Nickelodeon kids show You Can’t Do That On Television, except instead of getting slimed, you’d get fried to a crisp until death.  Of course, if you disagree with me, well, please just click here.  

My personal favorite quote so far was from the guy that ended his statement with a quick, “Alright… murder me warden!”  Be sure to comment with your favorite Last Words statement.  Sorry guys, no video on this website as of yet. But look on the bright side, it’s Texas, so it’ll happen eventually.  You stay classy Texas, you stay classy.

Whip ‘Em Out Wednesday at Fenway

Just another Boston girl trying to do her part and give back to the game of baseball.  Be sure to focus on the lady on her cell phone behind home plate.  WOW!  You stay classy Boston, you stay classy.

Marketing Geniuses Unite!

Run Forrest, Run!!!!!

I can’t find the YouTube version of this video, so you’re just going to have to follow this link.  Make sure you keep your eyes on the sideline towards the end of the Vikings run into the end zone.  Trust me, someone in the Dallas Cowboys front office is either a latent racist, a complete and utter idiot, or maybe even both.  Nothing like scaring the hell out of a bunch of black NFL players by placing the Young Klan Kids of Greater Dallas Fort Worth on the sidelines.  What, you couldn’t find any nooses to hang from the goal posts Dallas?  The Cowboys halftime show for next week?  You got it — Civil War re-enactment.  Let me guess?  The South didn’t lose that war, it’s just halftime, right?  You stay classy Dallas; you stay classy.

Speaking of racist, I just found out today that in 1923, in the case of UNITED STATES v. BHAGAT SINGH THIND, that the Supreme Court of the U.S. argued and declared that Indians (re: people from the country of India) are not of the Caucasian persuasion (i.e., white).  I’m sorry, the answer we were looking for was not white.  Not white.  The correct answer was not white.  Thank you for playing though.  Who knew, right?  Anyway, I found it rather interesting that the highest court of the land was debating such an issue in the first place.  Here’s the nut of the case.

Is a high-caste Hindu, of full Indian blood, born at Amritsar, Punjab, India, a white person within the meaning of section 2169, Revised Statutes?

Remember the best part about this whole case kids — in the supreme court, someone has to write a dissenting view point on all rulings (if at least one justice in the minority existed), counter arguing that Indians are indeed white, Aryan, honkies, or cracka ass crackas if you will.  Now there’s a writing assignment for your ass! 

Which reminded me, I’ve always thought (joked) about how England, Russia, and Germany—for centuries—have been part of a super secret organization in charge of voting new races into their little white race club.  I’m of Irish decent and I think we got voted “onto the island” as they call it, around the turn of the century.  Yay!  It’s beyond me how they got that by them.  At any rate, this was just after they voted to let the Italians in and right before they voted in several of the old Soviet satellite nations (e.g., Czech Republic, Poland).  I had no idea this process actually took place and certainly had no idea it was something in the realm of responsibility of the U.S. high court system.  I guess my good friend in High School was right — you white people be Crazy!

Hope Still Yet

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell… Especially Allah

 I was at lunch today and happened to catch the president of Columbia University, Lee Bollinger, introduce the president of Iran, Amoud AmedeaniJIHAD.  Yes, yes, I know I didn’t even come close to spelling that correctly but I refuse to waste my time looking up this clown’s name.  I just can’t wait until this dictator leaves our country and has to return to his land where the sweet smell of freedom doesn’t yet exist. 

Anyway, the introduction that the president of Columbia University gave—while standing beside the dictator of Iran no less—was just plain amazing and heartfelt.  I was nearly brought to tears and almost gave a standing ovation in the middle of the Firehouse Subs restaurant.  If you do one thing today, and if I haven’t yet updated this post with the youtube clip of his speech, please watch it as soon as possible. 

Let me preface this by saying that I was one of those conservatives who was appalled that Columbia University would even contemplate allowing one of the top dictators of the world to speak freely.  I was a doubter and had serious reservations as to Columbia’s true intent in giving such a despot a soap box and megaphone to espouse his insanity and hate.  Mark this one on your calendar people… I was dead wrong.

Yes, this is the same university that still refuses to allow an ROTC program to exist on their campus even today.  Yes, it’s the same university that has to be one of the leading liberal institutions of higher learning in our country as well.  I know the president of Columbia University is very liberal on many issues, and he and I would disagree in almost every circumstance, but he is a great and amazing American, regardless of his political beliefs.  He gave me hope, that even though we political hacks in this country like to take swipes at each other every chance we get, we can still stand against true evil.

I take, and sometimes dish out, amazing amounts of vitriol every day from and to my fellow Americans.  Most of the time I’m okay with the mental abuse, I have thick skin and can take it.  I love handing out the mental beatings to fellow citizens as well, at least to the ones that I feel are hurting our country the most.  None of this will change.  But it’s good to know that we have Americans like Mr Lee Bollinger, fighting to make America and the world a better place.  Yes, I may be screaming at him next week concerning some other statement he makes, but on this day, we are one.

Now, I wonder if the “elected” leader of the Islamic Republic of Iran will answer even one of the university president’s questions he posed today?  He didn’t answer any of the tough questions asked the day before by 60 Minutes, which also surprisingly refused to give him the “dictator kid gloves special” that most news organizations give these Hitler wannabes of the world.  Doubtful he’ll answer anything, since dictators only answer questions about their cult of personality with just more questions.  Like a 10-year-old trying to get out of trouble, they always give the “Yeah, but Billy did this” answer.  I would expect nothing less from that little man with the shitty beard, AmadeaniJIHAD, you worthless asshole prick. 

But it’s going to be fun watching this mental midget looking ever so much like the douche bag that he is — preaching his anti-gay, antisemitic, anti-American, anti-Christian, anti-freedom propaganda.  Yes, he’ll sound just like a democrat most of the speech with his DNC talking-points that he cut-and-pasted from the New York Times, but it’ll still be fun to watch this ignorant cartoon character trying to make sense of his own diseased thoughts.  You stay classy Iranian leader.  You stay classy!

[Update – 25Sept07: Here’s the Iranian “News” reporting on their fearless little leader Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.  Of course, they don’t show the video of the entire speech, which included their fearless little leaders introduction grilling, his proclamation that Iran was gay-free (of course, can you imagine being gay in that type of heat and sand?  Ouch!), and all of the laughter at his obvious lack of basic elementary intelligence (New Show Concept: Are You Smarter Than A Dictator?).  Got to love the propaganda though.  Old question, but why is it that most dictators are so short?  That whole Napoleon Complex theory really is starting to hold true.  Someone get this guy a penile implant, stat!  It’s for the children.  Wait, that came out wrong.  I mean it’s for peace, which is for the children.  Oh, screw you!

Lee Bollinger’s Introduction Speech

HDW Father Abraham Parent of the Year Award

And the first nomination for the 2007 HDW Father Abraham Parent of the Year award goes to the mother who dressed her daughter in a seal costume, well, just for a little fun.

Make sure you watch mommy in the corner laughing her ass off as her daughter is inches away from either drowning as a killer polar bear rips her to pieces, or dying of a heart attack at the ripe ole age of ten.  You stay classy parents.  You stay classy Japan.

You Stay Classy Yankees

You know the drill… click play on the video below to enjoy the Yanks theme music while reading.

Once again, Alex Rodriguez is cheating [*GASP*].  No, not cheating on his wife this time, but rather at something he presumably has a lot more experience at doing (believe it or not).  He’s cheating once again on the field.  This time he breaks the unwritten law of yelling at a fielder attempting to catch a pop-up while he’s running by him.  He succeeds. 

Hey, ass-rod, leave the yelling at the players to us dumb-ass fans in the stands, okay?  What do you expect from a guy who has proven time and again that he will do anything to win, even though he’s terrible at it (the cheating and the winning part too).  Please just stick to the cheating you’re remotely good at Alex.  Here’s what their fearless leader–Brian Cashman–had to say about his dirty player.   

“I’m not sure what the difference between that and the hidden-ball trick is, or a catcher dekeing at home plate that a ball is not coming in and the last second he gets the ball and drops the tag down,” Cashman said. “I’m kind of indifferent to it, because I was looking at it, trying to figure out, is this something that’s not right?”

Are you kidding me?  Spoken like a true loser.  Did the general manager of a team actually say that?  I’m assuming he thinks it’s okay if ass-rod slapped the ball out of his hands as he runs by as well?  Not that ass-rod would do that. 

Gay-Rod.  Thanks

Hey Bri Bri, not sure how much ball you played before you turned into George’s little bald-headed “bat boy”, but there’s a reason why certain things like the hidden-ball trick is allowed and distracting a player is not.  It’s because one is done by real ball players and the other by a little bitch (ass-rod, et al). 

Imagine every play involving a pop-up and the runner standing by the fielder yelling and waving his hands at him.  I had no idea Brian was a bonifide idiot.  That explains the World Series drought.  It’s bad enough opposing teams have to look at that optical-f**king-illusion you call a uniform, but now this.  In Cashman-land this would be good sport.  Well sir, in a man’s sport, a gentlemen’s sport, we have a name for such horrible sportsmanship… and that name is The New York Yankees.  You stay classy New York, you stay classy. 

Did I Say Gators? I meant I Heart Magic!

I woke up this morning to the news that Bill Donovan will leave his coaching job at the University of Florida.  Please, a moment of silence to give a little introspect into this most sacred of moments… HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, LOL, LMAO, ROFLMAO!!!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Jesus, That’s Funny!!!!

Sorry.  One of my gator friends (yes, I actually have a couple) explained to me a few months ago how Billy would never leave UF.  His reason?  Well, he said Billy loved Gainseville too much.  Gainesville?  Gainesville, Ga?  “Have you been to that shitty little town”, I asked with a look of wonder.  Where did you get the crazy idea Billy wouldn’t leave?  Where else, but from Billy Donovan himself…

“I love Florida. My family is very happy here. I hope I can stay here as long as they’d like to have me. I don’t know what else to say. I’m just focused on UCLA and people are focused on other things.”   

I guess my gator friend was right, only he forgot there was an NBA team a few miles down the road in Orlando.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  Sorry, I can’t stop laughing.  This is funny stuff.  Anyway, I should have a little respect.  Billy leaving means one of two things.  Either he really wants to prove himself at the “next” level, sort of the way Steve Spurrier did (f**king failure), or he knows just how bad this years UF team is going to be.  I’m betting on the latter.  He can now sit back and enjoy watching the Gators look like shit on TV and exclaim that they really do miss him.  You stay classy Billy. 

Oh, and one more thing Billy (besides still going by the name of a six year-old), don’t forget to draft nothing but UF players, it’s what the gaytor nation demands.  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!