31 NFL Teams All Rejoice At The Same Time

[Editor’s Note: Updated to ensure that Dr. Powell has a good “happy ending” later tonight.] 

All the 31 other teams can rejoice… and finally!!!!  Good job NFL.  Good job newspapers and media.  Good job referees.  Every one’s favorite team can be happy once again.  Your teams legacy is intact.  Praise Jesus, rejoice and sing to the heavens.  The Steelers and 49ers and Packers and Miami can breath a sigh of relief.  I hope another random team can win next year, so all the powers that be can be happy.  Please make it so Roger.  Thank God the U.S. Senate can now maybe focus on much less pressing issues, like 1.5 million living babies being sucked out of women’s wombs every year.  Just kidding, I don’t give a shit if you kill your baby.  Just one less Steelers fan to deal with at the game in 20 years or so. 

 So, let’s just get back to worrying about cheating in the NFL, and more specifically, those evil cheating Patriots and Belichick.  Now that the Pats have lost, everyone should be focused on finding out if Tom Coffin is cheating.  Did he and the Giants video tape the Patriots sideline calls?  I have the feeling they did and I would like a complete investigation by the U.S. Senate as soon as possible, thank you very much.  Everyone from the NFL to the King of England to the U.S. Department of Football should be on this.  What?  The government doesn’t have a department of football?  The little people lose again.  Where’s Arlen Spector when you need him folks? 

 Oh, and like every year, fuck kiss Peyton Manning, fuck kiss that goofy smooth bastard friendly retarded intelligent little brother of his Eli Manning, and fuck kiss the Giants fans who wanted their coach fired and their QB traded in the third game of the season, only at the last minute to jump back on their team’s bandwagon.  You worthless useful assholes gentlemen deserve nothing everything and should be ashamed proud of pretending you cared halfway through the season. 

Sad Happy and pathetic touching, especially all you fans of the 30 other teams who just root against a team to make your pathetic touching teams look and feel better.  Time to move on to loving the Yankees you bandwagon faggots heterosexuals.  See your Hatriots asses next season, you crybaby bitches good friends. 

Hatriots Fan (R-PA)

For the past couple of weeks we’ve all had the displeasure of listening to all the sports talk commentary concerning today’s Super Bowl game.  We’ve been getting the usual comments from the usual talking heads that range from the strange — “The Giants can win,” to the absurd — “The Giants will win and blow out the Patriots.”  Of course, either of the two teams can win this game, and I’m not going to even attempt to speculate its outcome. 

Yes, I know speculative statements are to be expected from the media.  That’s all they know how to do.  No real mathematical or analytical analysis, just bullshit and more bullshit in between all the garbage someone is trying to sell you during the commercial breaks.  After all, the media’s job is to sell the game as if it’s going to be a close and exciting event, hoping to entice you to watch, even if they expect a blowout.  Nothing wrong with that, but it does get old fast.  Sportscasters even do it during the game, and in every sport.  How many of us have been watching a baseball game in the bottom of the ninth, home team is up by four, two on, two outs, and the announcer gleefully proclaims, “the tying run is on-deck.”  Really?  Shut the f**k up asshole!!!!     

Worse even, not just sports commentators submit their worthless two cents worth when it’s one of the big games just around the corner.  But, after a few weeks of listening to non-professional commentators give us their football opinion, it’s really starts to get tough to turn on the TV, radio, or even read the church bulletin.  No, Jesus doesn’t care who wins reverend, so stick with the immaculate conception, not the immaculate reception.  For those of you in Gainesville reading that line and thinking, “Ohhhh, immaculate conception… that’s where it came from,” you’re welcome.    

Well, now the opinions on this game and football in general are getting out of control.  Listen here, if you’re a U.S. Senator and you haven’t yet figured out how to make my Social Security solvent by 2030 or solved the illegal immigration problem, please shut your f**king fat mouth and sit down.  You know who you are Senator, you old worthless piece of politician.  By the way Senator, if you didn’t know, the National Football League is a private corporation.  Also, you are a lawmaker.  You are in the legislative branch of government, not the executive, and thank God, not the judicial.  SHUT UP!!! 

Your job is to take vacations and figure out new inefficient ways to take our hard earned money and redistribute it to the idiots, not to harass private corporations that are not breaking the law.  You do it oh so well, so stick with what you know… and that’s not football.  So, until a corporation breaks the ridiculous laws and regulations you sit in your glass house and create, you just keep filling your bank account and those adult diapers and keep your laws off this countries past time.  Besides, we all know this isn’t about you being concerned with the sanctity of the game but rather you just trying to protect your precious Steelers record of five Super Bowl wins and Bradshaw’s four Super Bowl rings.  Sad and pathetic, you Hatriot fan.  Just like every other Senator I suppose. 

Okay, just kidding about not speculating… Patriots 48 – Giants 14 – Arlen Spector 0.