Category Archives: Baseball
Black is Beautiful, Tan is Grand, White is the Color of the MLB Commissioner
It has been announced today that Major League Baseball is only .082% Asian. When calculating management and coaching staff only, the Asian population in Major League Baseball is a paltry .00082%, which equates to 1/4 of a person — the assistant third base coach for the Dodgers, Chuck Johnson (his great grandmother lived in Hawaii as a teenager).
This travesty of justice must be corrected. You only have to look at how well blacks are represented in professional baseball to understand why this wrong must be righted. It was announced today that 8.2% of the MLB population is black, and with the total black population in America at around 12%, many feathers were ruffled. The NAACP was quoted today as saying, “We want 4% more blacks represented in Major League Baseball, and we want it now!” The federal government promised to tear down basketball courts everywhere and build baseball diamonds throughout the inner city immediately.
The study on diversity in baseball had this to say.
“Baseball has probably lost a whole generation here,” Lapchick said. “African-Americans just aren’t playing it at this point. They’re going to have to increase their efforts.”
Wait, “they” are going to have to increase “their” efforts? Who is “they,” baseball or black kids?
Once again, the study failed to address the even less represented Asians in baseball. The commissioner of baseball was quick to try and reclassify David Ortiz as three black guys, but the citizens of Boston immediately began to riot when they heard the news that they would have to root for a black guy as their number one sports hero. So, the commissioner of baseball did the only other thing he knew to do — he called the commissioner of football to see if they could spare any black athletes for the cause. A MLB representative was asked if they had a message for the NFL, to which he replied “Yes! Come on guys, the NFL is 82% black…. stop hogging all the good athletes!”
An NFL official, who requested annonimity on the grounds he was a white guy, was quoted as saying “If we [NFL] gave up any black athletes to them [MLB] it would drop us below our required 80% quota, and that is completely unacceptable.” The commisoner of the NBA hung up almost immediately and refused to comment on their quota requirements, except to say, “Listen, we have a 4.0% white player rate in the NBA which we’re proud of, and with Dirk out with a knee injury we’re down to 3%, so please leave us alone.”
[Editor’s Note: After exstensively searching ESPN’s website, we couldn’t find one article referencing the racist issue of such a low white player ratio in the NBA, and even lower Asian rate. The fact that not one Jew is playing in the NBA has raised some eyebrows with many, but not ESPN. They’re way too busy trying to count how many “blacks” play in Major League Baseball and how to classify African-Caribbean-Americans. You stay classy ESPN, you stay classy.]
The Alternative with Jay Mohr
Whip ‘Em Out Wednesday at Fenway
Just another Boston girl trying to do her part and give back to the game of baseball. Be sure to focus on the lady on her cell phone behind home plate. WOW! You stay classy Boston, you stay classy.
Move Over Thunder, Astro
When I first glanced at this article, I assumed the baseball teams were fighting over naming rights for their new dome stadium. Well, wasn’t I surprised when I found out that in fact, Fukudome was not the name of a new baseball stadium dome, but rather an actual baseball player from Japan. If there is a God, and he’s got a great sense of humor, he’ll let Houston get this player, he’ll let him have an amazing Hall of Fame career, he’ll become the greatest Houston Astros player of all time, and finally, before I die, he’ll have them rename the Astrodome in this great Japanese player’s honor.
Let’s just hear it directly from the horses mouth…
“I won’t be playing for a Japanese club next season, I’ll play in the majors,” Fukudome said. “I appreciate the fans who supported me for nine years. I hope that the fans continue to root for me when they see me playing in the United States.”
Translation? Fukujapan!!!
Home Run King Hostage Crisis – Day One
Day One and Counting.
Listen here ESPN, do not f**king tell me who I should or shouldn’t celebrate in sports now that Bonds* has surpassed the great Hank Aaron. Your organization, above all others, have a vested interest in major league baseball and have no business preaching to us about why we shouldn’t judge Bonds* for cheating. Outright, unadulterated, I don’t give a shit about the game of baseball, cheating!!!!! If I hear one more idiot on ESPN say, “Well, Bonds* hasn’t been officially caught cheating,” I’m going to snap and maybe hurt myself to protect others.
So, recuse yourself immediately ESPN and remember, Barry Bonds* and his “record” means nothing to true baseball fans, so you and that freak of nature can kiss my fat ass. Here’s to hoping this hostage crisis doesn’t last too long. God, I hope the Yankees trade A-Rod so I can root for him with a clear conscience (which won’t be easy).
RIP MLB
Nope, nothing to see here. Just a fully authentic Barry Bonds* rookie season baseball card. Damn it, if only he’d played for the Mets that year so I could finally use my stupid ass Metroid joke. <fingersCrossed>Oh well, maybe the Yankees will trade Giambi to the Mets soon.</fingersCrossed>
Call me an asshole, but I was truly hoping the Barry Bonds* slump would stretch long enough to the point where he didn’t tie Hank’s all time home run record until September 11, but alas, this dream did not transpire. Who knows, maybe the next HR won’t come for about five weeks and we can still associate this disgrace with the saddest day in American history. Is that wrong? You’re right, that is wrong. Fine, stretch out the season and let him hit it on December 7 instead. With the lack of history being taught in the public government school system, no one will ever notice. Unless of course that’s Paris Hilton’s birthday or something???
I never thought I’d say this, but… “Let’s Go A-Rod!!!!” Oh well, at least Bonds* hasn’t passed the world home run king.
My favorite part of the “historic” home run was that of Major League Baseball commissioner Bud Selig’s “celebration” as Bonds* rounded the bases. The expression on his face looked somewhere between him being forced to watch a snuff film involving an 80 year-old woman and one of the family pets, and a Keanu Reeves movie not co-starring Laurence Fishburne.
I did enjoy the post game interviews when they trotted out the dude that “caught” the home run ball that Bonds* hit. Seriously, I was waiting for this guy to break into the “I’d like to thank Jesus and my Mom” speech. Don’t believe me? As soon as I find the video I’ll embed it. For now, here’s one of his quotes.
“I’m not the one who made any big accomplishment. I just happened to be in the right place at the right time. It was pretty neat to be a part of history,” Hughes said.
Really Hughes, no big accomplishment you say? Come on man, give credit where credit is due. You did something that most couldn’t do in a life time without the help of several very important skills, such as the ability to see or having arms with opposable thumbs. Trust me, there are some people in the world who couldn’t perform such an amazing and triumphant feat. And look on the bright side, you did it all without the assistance of performance inhancing drugs. Kudos to you Hughes; you’re truly a hall of fame kind of guy. And by hall of fame I mean you could work there… as a janitor… or maybe a security guard.
Congrats Tampa Bay Devil Rays
Hats off to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, who finally won their first game of the season against the Red Sox this afternoon. Way to win your first game of the season against a division rival basically in August. I didn’t get the pleasure of driving down there for this weekends series. If you’ve ever been to a game at Tropicana Field you know when I say “pleasure” I am not referring to the baseball experience they’ve built down there, but rather the 90% chance of seeing a Red Sox win.
Seeing a game in Tropicana Field is like going to see a game in a circus tent; only the part of the elephants are being played by the Devil Rays fans and the part of the clowns are being played by the Devil Rays team. Who’s retarded idea was it to build an indoor arena in Florida, the sunshine state? Yes, I know it gets hot and rains every afternoon for 15 minutes, but that doesn’t mean you have to play ball in a freaking basement.
One of the worst parts of watching the game on TV is having to listen to the Devil Rays announcers. What, the local used car salesmen weren’t available for the gig? You get the usual home team announcer bullshit, like every pitch their pitcher throws that’s called a ball should be a strike, and every pitch the other teams pitcher throws that’s called a strike should be a ball. But it got a little out of hand when I had to listen to one of them explain how Dice-K’s gyro ball was a myth (we know) and then disparaging the entire country of Japan by telling us, “Yeah, but they believe in Godzilla over there so they’ll believe anything.” I was waiting on Iwamura to steal second base to the cheers of, “he stole second base like a surprise attack on Pearl Harbor!”
Oh, it gets better. Then I had to listen to them explain how one of their crew members had to sleep on a blow-up mattress last night after the extended 12-inning game (good job Boston). To which his co-announcer explained, “You’re right, he did get winded after blowing that thing up, but boy was it an odd shape for a mattress.” What? Did you just give us a blow up doll reference on live TV my retarded friend?
At least we got entertained—when during the 7th inning stretch—they trotted out a giant blow up dancing banana, robbing Family Guy of what’s left of the Peanut Butter Jelly Time song. I thought it couldn’t get any lower. That was until they had a giant blow up gorilla in a bikini come out and challenge the banana mid-song. The gorilla “outfit” wasn’t complete until you noticed it was wearing banana earrings, leading me to believe these two were lovers. MLB, please move the Devil Rays to Las Vegas before it destroys what’s left of baseball after Bonds* gets through with it. Don’t believe me?
Quick note; to B.J. Upton. I know your team doesn’t get the pleasure of winning much, but please show a little class when you hit a home run. Don’t stand there for five seconds watching the hit while dropping the bat like your Ken Griffey Jr. Act like you’ve been there. Trust me, you’re no Ken Griffey Jr. pal. Hell, Ken Griffey Sr. could still play better than you.
Okay, one last thing to the worst team in baseball. Please don’t dump the cooler full of Gatorade on anyone during a post-game interview until you win a playoff series or simply get above a .500 record. If you haven’t looked at the standings lately—which I’m sure you losers down there never do—that means you need to win 26 games in a row. Granted, this is not a mathematical impossibility (yet), but in a couple weeks it will be… just like every year. Again, congrats on the win guys.
10011100001111 Losses And Counting
Damn computer! That number was supposed to be viewed in decimal not binary form, so I guess I made it look worse than it really is. Point being, the Philadelphia Phillies is just one game away from their 10,000th loss in team history, making them the most beaten professional team ever. I just wanted to congratulate them for not giving up and sucking with dignity. The French would be so proud.
Don’t worry Philly fan, I’ll give you some good news. Just four words: Tampa Bay Devil Rays! I think they are on pace to pass you in the all time losses column some time next year; and remember, you have over a 100 years of existence head start on those assholes.
Until then, I’ll be sure to remind you of your teams extreme level of ineptitude at every sporting event you attend. I’ll also tell you what the word ineptitude means. Oh yeah, one more thing… Eagles Suck!!!!
That’s Why My Friends Call Me Whiskers
Not much going on in sports and/or politics so we have to default to the always reliable Will Ferrell doing Harry Caray. God, I love the timeless classics. Cubs win, Cubs win.
Holy Throw Batsman!!!
I think the throw is about 25 seconds into this one minute video, but trust me, it’s worth watching about 40 times. God bless you Roberto Clemente. If you’re wondering, that’s the warning track behind him in right field probably about 300 feet away from 3rd I’m guessing.
It’s just a crying shame that the late great Roberto didn’t play in the era of steroids, where he could have really been a good ball player like the great Bonds* and Giambi.
Holy Dog Water 