Introducing: The Los Angeles Jaguars

Dear Jacksonville, 

Let me preface this by saying I am a Jack Del Rio supporter.  I think he’s been a good coach and I certainly don’t want to hear the usual “fire him” chant that every idiot (especially in sports) on the planet pulls out everytime a decision they disagree with is made.  But I will say this, yesterdays decision to pass on Brady Quinn, whether he ends up a bust in Cleveland or not, will sadly go down as the beginning of the end for the Jaguars.  This team has been searching for that quarterback that can get us over the proverbial hump, and I fear we just had one land in our laps only to kick it in the head. 

Del Rio will have the benefit of Quinn playing on a team, the Browns, that will ultimately suck, like always.  It’s no secret that the Browns always field a bad team.  This will mean Brady Quinn will by default, suck too.  He’ll have no real veteran QB to learn behind, a very offensive line, and maybe a good TE to throw to at best.  Conversely, the Safety Jack took instead will be on one of the best defensive teams in the NFL, meaning he’ll probably do pretty good.  So, Jack Del Rio has that going for him and will look like a genius for not taking Quinn.  But we all know that’s not the whole story.  Jack took the safe pick again, like always. 

I love this team, mostly because I love the city of Jacksonville.  I was born and raised here, and God willing will (gladly) die here.  I’ve seen this town grow up so fast, and most of the changes I see, I love.  Well, besides going to an Irish Festival and having the headline band come on at 9:30, and the venue promptly cutting off beer sales at 9:52.  Come on guys, give us at least a warning and maybe a full 30 minutes to come get refills.  It’s an Irish festival for Christ’s sake.  News flash, we Irish like to drink.  No, really.  What are you going to do at the Italian Fest next month, cut off meatball sub sales by 10:00? 

I know the city of Jacksonville probably made this a requirement for allowing the event in the first place, but this is the one complaint so many transplants here have.  First Baptist Church of Downtown Jacksonville, let us have our downtown back, please!  Jesus let’s us make our own decisions, and so should you.  If anything, give us Friday nights maybe.  Please!!!!  You can have the rest of the weekend, we promise.  In my best Mel Gibson Ransom voice…. “GIVE ME BACK MY DOWNTOWN!”

Sorry, I lost it for a second there and will save that rant for another post.  Back to the Jaguars.  If this team doesn’t succeed soon it will find itself in Los Angeles, much to the delight of LA, the NFL, and about every company that advertises on TV (minus maybe the Jag Mania store).  You can sit around and believe whatever you want about how Weaver loves this town, but trust me, he doesn’t love it as much as money; and I don’t blame him.  He’s not in this for the fun of it like Al Davis.  He’s a business man and has no obligation to our town beyond whatever contracts he may sign with the city.  With that said, I will tell you that it’s the towns job to make sure this team succeeds and continues to stay here.  Full seats = a team.  That’s easy math.

But, filling the seats by selecting gator players is not the best route to go.  Yes, it will fill the seats up with more “fans”, if you want to call them that.  But that’s half the formula.  The TV ratings will only come with prime-time games and they only come with a playoff team.  No playoffs (and the wimpy ass first round doesn’t count), no success.  If the Jags don’t go deeper into the playoffs, at least round two, then I hope you enjoy the last few games.  My complain lies in the fact that I believe Leftwich is the Drew Bledsoe of our time; good stats but not much else.  Yeah, yeah, I know he just retired like yesterday. 

This QB in Jax is a nice guy and has decent stats, but I just don’t see that Tom Brady “it” factor.  I know, I agree that anyone that says “it” factor should be shot, but I can’t think of a better way to describe “it”.  I just don’t think Byron has another level to reach; and this is coming from a guy who’s seen 100% of his home games in person and every away game in 61″ HD.  And I’m not a dumb ass Byron hater that just wants Mark Brunnell back.  Byron has got to be the best back-up QB starting in the NFL today.  Could Brady Quinn be that QB of the future with that “it” factor.  Who knows, it’s maybe a 50/50 chance.  But that’s a 50% better chance than with Byron.  

Now that I have prefaced my comments with dignity, reserve and class; you may want to stop reading and continue to assume I have any of these three great character traits.  Okay, you’ve been warned.  5, 4, 3, 2, 1….

And I quote, “My emotions are going crazy right now. Add another Gator to the list,” Nelson told reporters.  No truer words have been spoken Reginald.  The Gaguars have done it again, bowing down at the alter of the Florida Gators.  Kiss it!  Yeah, kiss that gator tail right there.  Tastes good, doesn’t it?  I’ve been saying this for years, and yesterday was just the kick in the nuts I needed to finally cement my belief that Jack Del Rio will go down with the sinking ship that is Byron Leftwich, and with it, an NFL franchise in Jacksonville. 

It’s not his fault, this is what management does and will always do, no matter what industry we are talking about.  Jack picked that guy, that’s his guy, and that’s the way it is.  Don’t like it Jag fan?  Well kiss it.  Tastes like Gator tail, doesn’t it?  Hey, I’m sure the Jags will fulfill their QB needs by taking Chris Leak in the 5th round today.  By the way, if that happens I will immediately give my season tickets away to the homeless guy down the street that smells strong of urine.  I’m sure he’ll buy lots at the concession stands Mr Weaver.  “Hey buddy, you got some spare change?  Sweet, a trash can!” 

The part that sucks is the fact that it will mean a large hole will be left where the cities ass used to be.  Not that Gaytor fan will mind, since it will once again mean they’re the only game in town.  Enjoy the Bud Zone once a year you inconsiderate pricks.  Hell, you can’t go to a Jags game now without there being more Gator gear being worn than Jags gear.  The next time you all start doing “the chomp” (or whatever that gay ass shit is called) at a Jags game after Fred Taylor scores a TD, I want you to look around.  Is anyone else doing anything for their college team?  Is Rocky Top being sung in Indy after Manning scores a TD?  Is the crowd doing the ‘Nole Chop in Atlanta after Dunn scores?  Are the fans in L.A. doing whatever Georgia Tech fans do after Garciaparra hits a home run?  I want you to take note at how many other professional teams in any sport have to put up with that kind of stupid shit from the local college fans.  I’ll give you a hint, it’s between one and negative one.  Oh, I forgot you didn’t go to college; that would be zero numb-nuts.   

Maybe the stadium rights can be sold to UF and they can finally make you guys happy and call it Gator Stadium.  Granted, this will only last for three years until the team moves, but oh what great stories you’ll be able to tell at the next Florida Georgia game.  Paint the stadium green and orange and blue too.  Wait, I got it… introducing the Jacksonville Gators.  Finally, exactly what you dumb ass gator fans want.  You can draft only gator players, trade for Rex Grossman, and finally hirer Spurrier as head coach.  People out there think I’m kidding when I say this kind of stuff.  This is not me trying to be funny, this is exactly what they truly want.  Go ahead, ask a gator fan who we should have as coach, or at QB, or WR.  It’ll always be an ex-gator player, trust me.  Did I say ex-gator?  I meant gator.  Once a gator always a gator, right gator fan?  If you spend one week listening to gator fan call sports talk radio in Jacksonville you will soon find this to be true.  Sad, but true.  Almost makes you wonder if we deserve to lose this team.    

So, how does this happen?  How does a city care so much about a college that’s not even in that city?  How does gator fan love a college team to a point that it negatively affects their own city?   How is it that every redneck with a pickup (that would be all of them) somehow finds a gator sticker bigger than their back window?  Really, the orange and blue truck, the personalized gator tag that reads g8tor69, the gator window flags, the bumper stickers professing your love to Steve Spurrier, the tattoo of a gator screwing a bulldog, and the two kids in the back wearing gator clothes from head to toe wasn’t enough to let us know you’re a gator fan?  Honestly, you don’t have to create entire blind spots (called eveyone behind you) on your vehicle too.  We get it, you like the Gators.  You love them.  You shit orange and blue.  If you are not from Jacksonville, I just want to let you know, this is not his truck on game-day, this is 365 days a year.  You DO NOT want to see what he and his truck look like on game-day.  Picture this — a giant clown eats four-hundred pumpkins and 300lbs of peas, then throws up on the vehicle and family.  “Have you met my son Steve and my daughter Gator Lynn?”, the redneck said with glee as he spit into a coffee cup.

WHEW, thank god I got that out!!  I guess I can forgo the clock tower for a few more years.  With that said and off my chest I feel a lot better.  It’s like going to confession.  What I do not feel good about is the prospect that this great town (minus the crazy gator fans) may lose one of it’s biggest positives – the Jaguars.  I hope I’m wrong on this one more so than anything, but I fear (like always) that I’m not.  Maybe the First Baptist Church of Downtown Jacksonville will pray for this team?  Okay, you can keep Fridays then.  Hell, keep the whole weekend except those eight Sundays a year.  We’ll just continue to sin at the beach on the other weekends.  Guys, it’s our only chance.

With Love, Scott

PS: Soon there will be nothing to do on Sunday but go to church in this town again.  I’m not taking this lying down, so if that happens we’ll all meet before church around 8:00 AM for tailgating.  You bring the grill, I’ll bring the cooler of beer.  LET’S! GO! JESUS!