Vote Early, Vote Often!
UPDATE (20Jun2007): Voting on the Ladies… blog has been suspended (temporarily or permanently, not sure which) due to some malicious and nefarious acts perpetrated by some “unknown” person(s). Either way, I will not be wasting your time anymore with this. I would like to say thanks to all of you who had some fun and tried to support me and the Ladies…, who by the way spent an ass load of their valuable time organizing this event. The Internet has proven once again that it is ruled by little boys with a free-time to getting-laid ratio of 5,000,000 to 1. Way to go little boys. Now go find a cat to kill or grandmother to mug you small minded little pieces of shit.
First off, I would like to congratulate the Spurs for ending the NBA Finals as quickly as mathematically possible and shortening the pain that is today’s professional basketball game. Now, on with the important news of the day.
By now, I’m sure you’ve all heard about the “Ladies… Hot Blogger Bracket” contest I’m in. If you tell me you haven’t heard about it yet then you’re still auto-deleting my emails. STOP IT MOM!!! I don’t know how I made it to the third round; but by the grace of God, ten hours working on my photo with my mad Photoshop skills, and one Gaytor rant too many (shiteatinggator really is one word, ask Wag), I’m there. Click here to vote for me.
Remember gang — vote early, vote often. Oh, and if you’re over the age of fifteen and are still pronouncing the silent ‘t’ in the word often then don’t bother voting. You’ll probably just accidentally vote for the other guy, South Florida style.
This round I’m up against one of those “northerners” y’all have heard so much about. You know, the same ones who killed your Great-great-great-great-great Grand Pappy. You know, the ones who built your car. You know, that same car that left you on the side of the road last year. Remember, it was raining wasn’t it? Yep, that same car that got you that DUI a couple months ago. You know the car I’m talking about. The one that takes about $50 a week in beer money to fill up now. The one that spilled hot coffee all over your schlong that time you rear-ended that f**king old lady who just had to stop for that school bus. Note to self: Do not google words such as schlong at work to check for proper spelling and/or usage. Yeah, you know which car I’m talking about… that one (click here to vote for me again).
And remember gang, you can vote as many times as you want. When I say vote early, vote often, that doesn’t mean just sitting there renewing your IP address all weekend. Please, don’t just dial it in half-ass like that. By voting often I mean voting at work on your machine, and then when your cube neighbor goes to take the after lunch “lunch break” by dropping the Browns off at the Super Bowl, vote on their machines too. While you’re there at their computer, send your boss an email telling him he’s a dick. If your neighbor and boss are both dudes, make sure the email from your co-worker tells the boss how long he’s been wanting to tell him he’s in love with him. Oh, and how his “benefits package” looks really good in those pants.
Go visit Grandma and vote there, unless of course she doesn’t have an Internet connection or is dead like my gammy. If she’s in a home then be sure to offer all them Seasoned Citizens protection against the Robots for their votes. Those old people really are afraid of robots. Tell the old women how I look like a cross between a young Ronald Reagan and a thin Marlon Brando. The On the Waster Front Brando, not The Island of Dr Moreau Brando.
Go to the library and vote on every machine. Maybe have one of the many “housing challenged” (aka, outdoorsmen)—that are always hanging out at the library—to vote for me. <vedder>Looking through the paper, though he doesn’t know to read!!!!</vedder> Offer them food, wine, and even your undying love if that’s what it takes. Tell them their dad really is proud of them, that always motivates me.
If you have little crumb-crunching snot-nosed kids in school and they’re not in a school on the side of town without the Internet (*sigh*), then send them to school to vote for me. If your kid is sleeping with their teacher then have them blackmail them into voting for me too.
One of my University of Michigan friends just informed me that he had trouble voting for me last round against Ghosts and that now—since he’s a huge fan of the BGOBLOG—that he’s playing the part of the Swiss and not voting at all. The Swiss? The same people that gave us that gay little red knife and maybe some stolen Nazi gold? Those are the people you want to emulate? What, the French weren’t available? Yeah, vote like the French… click here and RUUUUNNNNN!!!!!! Remember the old saying — I’d rather have a German tank division in front of me, then a French regiment behind me.
Come on guys, let’s get creative. Do you think JFK would have been elected without creative voting? Let’s think outside the box on this one. I mean Jesus, just about every friend I have is a web developer or in IT and we can’t figure out how to cheat this system, Diebold style? I refuse to sit at home ALL weekend releasing my IP Address when I could be releasing my brain cells at a bar instead. So, please, vote for me more than once. I’m not asking for your vote, I’m asking for your votes. Anything less than ten votes from any of you and I’m referring you and your dog to the new Michael Vick Pet Sitting Service. If not for me, do it for the puppies.
Oh, one more thing… vote for me here.